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Sexually confused and in a relationship

Hi Smiley Happy

This is my first time on this website, but I was running out ideas as to what I should do.


A little backstory:

I have basically always known that I was queer in some way, and used the label bisexual for the past few years after I came to term with the fact, that I definitely wasn't straight. Since I gave myself that label, I haven't really struggled with my sexual identity (i didn't think I was anything else than that). Now, I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost a year. He knew about my sexual orientation before we even got together, so that was never a problem. Well...lately I've started questioning my sexuality, and I'm not sure if I'm into guys at all, at least sexually. When I think of having sex with my boyfriend, I just get uncomfortable. I hate the idea of having sex with him, but I don't really know if its because I'm scared of it (I'm a virgin) or if it's genuinely because I'm not attracted to the opposite gender. I don't get uncomfortable with the thought of doing anything sexual with a girl tho, and that's why I've been really confused. 

I don't want to end my current relationship. I still love my partner, but I just cant explore my preference if I'm with him. And I'm definitely not intending on cheating. He's amazing and doesn't deserve that.  


Summed up so it doesn't get confusing:

I'm in a heterosexual relationship with a boy whom I love but I've been very unsure of my sexual orientation. I don't know if I should talk to him about it and say that we should break up, or stay and not say anything. What should I do? Any other possibilities besides the two I mentioned?

Re: Sexually confused and in a relationship

Hi @EwaAlexa, welcome to the forums! Smiley Happy


Sexuality can be confusing..

We actually have a thread on it that you might be interested in looking at here:


A lot of people view sexual and romantic attractions as different things, and this can produce a whole heap of new ways to describe yourself that might at least help you describe how you're feeling.

For example, I know of people who are pan-romantic and asexual, or homo-romantic and heterosexual. 

Basically, it's entirely possible for someone to be bi-romantic and homosexual, or pretty much any other combination of romantic and sexual orientation; though if no label (or combination of labels) really fits, you don't have to use them at all.


I can't really tell you what you should do here.. but there is at least one extra possibility, which is basically talk to him about it and stay.

Asexual people often love people, and have healthy romantic relationships that don't include sex. From what I understand they have a variety of resources online about how to have discussions about not having sex in a relationship, which might be useful if you want to stay. 

I guess finding the best option mostly depends on what type of relationship both you and he will be comfortable with, and figuring out if you can each have that with each other. 

Re: Sexually confused and in a relationship

Hey @EwaAlexa, welcome to the forums!


This sounds like something you've been struggling with for a while, and I can imagine it would be really difficult to be thinking about all of things and feel unable to tell your partner.


Not always, but often when things are not feeling comfortable sexually it can be an indicator that there are other tensions within the relationship that are also not being dealt with. Because you still love your partner, do you think it's possible you could sit down with him and let him know how you're feeling? There might be a way to speak about what you're feeling without hurting his feelings. It's possible he's picked up on your anxiety surrounding being sexual with him and he might also be wanting to talk about it so he knows what's going on. 


There are many types of relationships that can exist really happily that don't fit the mould of a traditional, heterosexual relationship, too. Maybe you could explore something like a more open relationship in order to help you figure things out?


“Your now is not your forever."
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down