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Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hey, I wanted to ask for some advice. I’m 15. I’ve been good friends with this guy at my school in my grade for about a year and a half now. I found out he had a crush on me a few months ago before lockdown (just before we hung out a few times, just us, outside of school). He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I told him I was flattered that he felt that way but wanted to take things slow because I don’t have any relationship experience. We stayed in touch through lockdown (messaging), and I’ve just had my first week back at school and first time seeing and talking to him in person for months. I do like him and we get along really well, but I’m not sure if I like him that way. I think I might like to try dating, but I’m doubting myself. I keep second-guessing and over-analysing my feelings. It’s like I expect myself to have this overwhelming, definite feeling of certainty about how I feel, when it’s not like that at all. Is this part of being inexperienced with this kind of thing? What should I do?

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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hi @Clementine75, I don't believe we've talked on the forum before, nice to meet you Smiley Happy

Obviously what you should do is up to you! You shouldn't feel pressured to do anything. Do what you think is best, and whatever you choose is the right choice Smiley Happy Don't feel pressured to rush into anything, as you said it's really important to take these things slow so that you feel safe and happy Smiley Happy I think it's normal to be over-analysing your feelings, I do this all the time Smiley Very Happy
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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hello @Clementine75, thanks for sharing your story with us, it sounds like you are in a challenging situation! Choosing whether to start a new relationship can be a very big decision, especially when you have not been in a relationship before. I think it is really nice that you have remained good friends with this guy and that you have been chatting throughout lock down. From the sounds of it, you have a pretty good relationship with him. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about what you have been thinking and feeling? You might find it helpful to be open with him about why you aren't sure if you want to start dating ! It may lead to further discussion that could lead you to a more comfortable decision. I will also echo what @lost_Space_Explorer mentioned about this being completely your decision and that you should do what you think is best! It is important that you choose something that you feel comfortable with ! Heart
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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hey, I thought I’d give an update on where I am. This boy and I met up at a local park recently, and chatted about where we are relationship wise, and what we’re comfortable with. We eventually agreed to try making it an “offical” thing, and we’ve told our mutual group of friends. But, in the past few days since that date, I’ve found myself flipping between feeling confident and relaxed and sure of what to do, and feeling this awful anxiety and fear. I do like him (but I’m not sure if that’s in a friend way or not) and would like to try things out, but I’m scared of getting into things but then realising too late that I actually think we’re better off as friends, and I won’t end up liking him in the way you do when you’re in a relationship. I start to feel like it’s a bad sign that I feel this way in the first place.

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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Thanks for the update @Clementine75, that sounds pretty complicated. It's so nice that you two have a solid friendship and are spending time thinking and talking it through. Do you have anyone else you can talk to to help process your feelings? Or do you think talking through your mix of emotions after your decision with him might help?

 

One perspective that might help is just taking it one step at a time, and focusing on how you're feeling when you're with him. It might help in the early stages to avoid getting caught up in your head about what it all means, and just experience it and consider if that feels positive for you now.

 

A different perspective that might help could be taking a more analytical approach. You could write a list of what you are and aren't looking for, or what you're open to, and give yourself a time period to consider if it's matching up with what you want. You could also include him in that process if you wanted, and you could compare your lists of what you are and aren't looking for, and see if you're on the same page. A pros and cons list might also be helpful if you wanted to take the more analytical approach.

 

Another thing I've found is that relationships don't need to be really serious to be worthwhile, especially in high school. For some people their first experiences of dating can look very similar to being friends, and that can still be a positive experience for them where they had fun and learnt a bit about what they do or don't like. Or maybe it starts as that but slowly changes as the people involved get older and ready for something else. I guess my point there is you don't necessarily need to stress about having the 'right' feelings, you can just see what happens. But then again you might not click with that at all, some people don't want to date at all unless it's something really meaningful and thought out and that's totally valid too, I guess it depends on what's important to you.

 

It sounds like a tricky situation, and ultimately it's completely your decision. Which sometimes can be the most frustrating advice when you don't know what to do haha. We're here for you though if you wanna talk it through and we support whatever you decide. Good luck!

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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hey @Clementine75 

 

Thanks for posting and for the update!

Just echoing what others have said, of course, it's ultimately your decision. If I can offer you any stories to help you relate to someone, I had a high school relationship that to be honest, was more friendship than boyfriend/girlfriend. We said we were 'official' but like you, I was anxious/happy/confused all at once during it trying to figure out what was happening. The thing was, we didn't even really go on many dates since we were in year 12 and busy doing our own things. 


What was good about that relationship though, was that it helped me figure out what I needed/wanted from a partner. Sometimes, people are lucky and find their person from the first person they date. I'd say the majority of us though go through relationships, breakups, heartbreak before we learn and recognise what we deserve or what we need from a partner. Right now, I'm extremely happy with my boyfriend and he is everything I've wanted. Of course, no relationship is perfect though and it does take time for you to accept/realise that. 

 

I'm not sure if this is why you're anxious in particular, but for me, I always set high expectations of what a 'relationship' and 'being in love' should be like. Of course, don't lower your standards in terms of the partner you want to find in the future, but I would say that you may come across more difficult times where you and your partner really have to sit down and talk, listen to each other, and better yourselves and each other. It's always hard accepting 'faults' because of course, we don't like to hear we did something wrong or hurt someone you liked/loved etc. but everyone makes mistakes and it's natural to feel a bit lost sometimes. I think someone who you'd like to end up with later should help you strive to become a better version of you and you should do the same in a caring and supportive manner. Anyway hahahah i went on a ramble, but maybe some of what I said and my experience can help ease your mind a little about your new relationship. Heart All the best!

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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hey. I've found that the feelings of anxiety and fear have just gotten stronger. But, because I have a more sensitive brain that overanalyses, I keep doubting all my thoughts and feelings. Since he imitated things, I feel like he's emotionally moving a lot faster than me. He sent me a message saying he loves me (whatever that means for him) and I'm not even sure if I have a crush on him. The more I think or talk to people (parents, friends) about it, I feel like I can't do it. But like I said, I'm doubting myself. I'm not sure if we're better off as friends, or if my brain's just freaking out. I feel like I keep saying I'll "try stuff out and see how it is" but I'm not sure if I can keep doing that or if it's been too long. I feel too anxious to do anything, I'm scared of doing something I'll regret. I'm scared of calling it off and then regretting it and realising I do like him that way, but I'm also scared of pushing on and not feeling that way, but by that point calling it off will be a lot more messy and painful than it would be if I did it now.

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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hey again @Clementine75, I'm sorry it's still such a struggle ☹️

 

From this post it sounds like this is causing you a lot of distress. If it were me, I would probably be ending it. Actually, if it were me in high school which it kinda was at one point (I had a quite similar situation) I would just stay frozen in a state of high distress too scared to either end it or invest in the relationship. Which I don't recommend 😛 but it's hard. We're here for emotional support though, to encourage you to make the best decision for you

 

Maybe you could think about if there's anything that could happen that would make you feel comfortable or happy in the relationship at the moment? If there is you could consider working towards that, but if there's not (or nothing you can think of) it might be better to end things sooner...

 

Sending hugs and support ♥️ Is there anything you can do to look after your emotions during this time?

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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

Hi @Clementine75, it sounds like you're in a very difficult position and I'm sorry to hear how much it's impacting you Smiley Sad

 

I would also agree with @hellofriend that if it were me I would be considering ending it, or at least be talking about how you're feeling. It definitely is high stress on you and it sounds like you're taking most of the emotional burden from this. But, from a friendship perspective, there will also be less harm in being honest sooner rather than later. Feelings get mushed and muddled up and that's okay. You may find that there is some damage to your friendship. But it is better to make it clear, especially since you really have tried to make things work. One thing that you might want to do is try and get some physical or emotional distance- both often come together. Is there a way that you can show or suggest to the other person that things really aren't working as they should be?

 

Can I also ask, how does staying versus going feel? I know for a lot of people they realise that they want to go because the feeling of ending it makes them feel relieved, while the feeling of staying makes them feel sick. What makes you feel happier?

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Re: Should I Enter A High School Relationship?

@StormySeas17  @hellofriend Like I said, I'm doubting and overanalysing my thoughts and feelings, but a thought I've had is that it's maybe the idea of us together that I like more. It seems to make sense, and fit, I suppose, from an outside perspective. We're friends, we get along fairly well, but in practice, at least right now, it doesn't feel quite right. I feel some sadness in thinking about calling it off, but maybe that's more related to letting the idea or fantasy of what things could be go. He's funny and sweet and nice, he's been really lovely about taking things slow and not tried to pressure me at all, but I just don't know if I feel more towards him or not. He obviously feels something towards me, and while our actual "dating" hasn't lasted long, we've known each other for quite a while (about a year and a half). I just feel like stuff we've done (holding hands, that kind of thing) has meant more to him than me, looking back on it. It's been nice and fine, but not amazing. And, I've had doubts since the beginning, but when he messaged me saying he loved me, it sent me spiralling and I almost needed to remind myself it was meant to be a nice thing. But, it's not really when I don't think I feel the same way. I'm not sure.  Someone liking or loving you can be nice, but it's not the same as when you both feel the same, strong way for each other.