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So frustrated with family

Hi all. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been here. I stopped logging on because I knew I wasn’t using the space healthily or productively, but today I was so frustrated, I just had to share to hopefully get some validation. 

 

So I’m moving for work; I thought my job would be at a certain place, and then I found out it will actually be at a different place for 5 months, and then probably at the first place for 7 months. This is extremely frustrating because it means somehow finding housing for 5 months and then moving again, and it’s frustrating because I now have to move to an area I didn’t anticipate moving to and don’t know much about. But, it’s doable and I have almost a month to sort housing out before my contract starts. I’m trying very hard to stay positive and optimistic about it, because after all, I’m still moving out of home and I still have a job. 

 

The problem is that my family (who are way, way over involved) are so, so stressed out about the change. Two (very beloved) relatives called me separately to offer stressed out advice and be pessimistic about everything. My mother doesn’t know yet but I’m sure when I tell her she’ll freak out, be in a bad mood for days, and complain about how stressed and tired she is constantly. Without asking me, my relatives have already started looking for places for me to live and have decided they’ll come over tomorrow to help me. 

 

I’m usually very tolerant of my family and work really hard to keep them happy and as un-anxious as possible, but I’ve just reached the end of my rope...so far today I’ve taken my sister to her doctor’s appointment, bought her more meds, done the grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen, and organised dinner, which I’m about to cook. I’m exhausted, and I’m upset that I don’t get to feel stressed or have any emotional reactions to this because I am so run off my feet trying to explain ‘oh it’s not a big deal, I’ve already got this plan and this plan in place, thank you so much for your help, it’s all okay, I’m not even worried at all.’ They’ve been like this the whole time. How do I get everyone to back off and let me deal with this problem (which I am 100% capable of dealing with, I’ve organised housing stuff for other people before) myself?? 

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Re: So frustrated with family

Hey @DruidChild 

 

It's great to see you back on the forums! 

I can hear your frustration in having to find housing for 5 months before you make another move, however as you said, this is a great achievement to have a job and be moving out of home. You should feel proud and know that you have worked hard for this. Heart

 

I can hear the love you have for your family (and the love they have for you!) but I can understand how suffocating it would be to have them very involved in this process of moving. 

 

What you are going through is something I can really relate to. Sometimes in these situations I choose to not divulge any information that I think may stress them out (and in turn stress me out!). I do this with my grandma in particular. Sometimes when I say I'm going out for lunch and my grandma asks "where", I often lie and say a suburb that she is familiar with so that she feels more comfortable. Obviously you don't have to lie if it makes you feel uncomfortable or if you feel it is inappropriate, but this is just something that I personally do. Another option might be to vocalise that their stress is actually causing you stress and remind them that you are an adult and capable of looking after yourself. 

 

It might be a good idea to take some time for yourself to help relieve some stress. Do you think going for a walk might help? What are some things you can do to de-stress?
  

 

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Re: So frustrated with family

Hey @DruidChild , welcome back to the forums! I’m glad you feel comfortable coming back to confide here 😊

 

As frustrating as the moving situation sounds, it is awesome to see that you are trying to be optimistic and logical about it! It really sucks that, in my experience, so many places require 12 month leases, but for the current house I moved into we made the deal of signing the lease for 6 months and it was approved - so it is possible to get a more flexible lease! Also replacing a room usually sounds quite difficult but in my experience it isn’t because so many people are trying to find a place to live!! So hopefully that will keep you positive, and hopefully once you go to the original place, you will be able to feel a bit more settled and enjoy the job you have. 

Although not to the same extent, I can relate to your experience. My mum would like to question my whereabouts a lot and was stressing about me moving out too. It was a stressful period for both of us. However, I can definitely say that me moving out has benefited our relationship so much!! We are still really close but I have a sense of independence now. So in those moments of frustration with your family, just think that whilst it’s hard right now, things are most likely going to be so much better for you and your relationships in the long run! So I’d definitely keep that in mind to keep you optimistic.

Otherwise, as @Maddy-RO suggested, find a form of self care that can calm you down, and maybe once you have, have a calm discussion with your family about how you feel? I know it’s easier said than done!! But if you feel that it is affecting your mental health, then it may be worth biting the bullet and talking with them? 

 

I really hope everything will work out for the best for you ♥️

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Re: So frustrated with family

Thanks so much for your replies @Maddy-RO and @liv1611 Smiley Happy Heart

 

I actually kind of underestimated my mother - she was surprisingly not freaked out, just basically said it was annoying for me but I’d work it out. That was a huge relief. To say thank you I made dinner this morning so she doesn’t have to cook when she gets home from work Smiley Happy 

 

@Maddy-RO The strategy you described with your grandmother is something I’ve used before too!! Thanks. In this situation I think I really have to just grin and bear it though...my relatives have already decided they will come to every house inspection with me so I can’t fudge the dates or places of those haha. I figure at least once I’ve found somewhere, it’ll be my name on the lease so anything else to do with it will be my decision. I did take a break from housing stuff last night and watched some YouTube and went to bed early. 

 

Thanks for sharing your experience @liv1611 Smiley Happy That sounds frustrating with your mother, but I’m glad things are easier now you’ve moved out. I don’t think I’m strong enough to talk to them about this haha - but I feel a lot calmer after sleeping on it, and I will for sure plan something nice to do as self care when I get home tonight! Smiley Happy

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Re: So frustrated with family

It's good to hear from you again @DruidChild!
That sounds so frustrating. Smiley Sad I have been in a similar situation where I was given a position, only to be told soon after I started that it would involve a lot of travel and be in completely different locations compared to what I was initially told and what was stated in my contract. In the end, I decided to quit because it would be a huge burden on my family, finances and health.
I'm glad that the change is doable for you though. Smiley Happy Congratulations on getting the job!
Like you, I also have an overprotective family. I was recently offered a casual role that I was excited about, but my parents are pushing for me to decline it due to it being 'too far' according to them. Is there any way that you can reach a compromise or set some boundaries with your family members?
We also have an article with some tips about getting your message across.

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Re: So frustrated with family

I’m so glad that she had a better reaction that you expected @DruidChild! it’s always so good when that happens 

You definitely sound a lot calmer about the situation and I’m glad things are looking up for you! 
I hope whatever you did for self care helped!! No matter how busy and stressful things are, it’s always good and important to take a breather and look after yourself! ♥️♥️

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Re: So frustrated with family

Good luck with your job @WheresMySquishy I hope you can find a way to make it work for you and your family. My situation is similar - I really wanted to take a job in a small mining town but my parents said it was too far so I took this one instead. 

 

@liv1611 Thank you Smiley Happy Doing my best to use my DBT skills and get through this. Just found out my rental application wasn’t successful so now I’m trying to find somewhere else. 

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Re: So frustrated with family

@DruidChild Oh damn I’m sorry that your rental application didn’t get approved! But it definitely seems like you’re still pushing forward and being optimistic, especially with using those skills - very very strong of you. I hope you’ll be able to find a place soon for you to settle! ❤️