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Struggling with boyfriend's new female friend, feeling a lack of self worth.

Hello,

I am having mixed emotions about my boyfriend's new female friend. We have been together for 2.5 years and I am absolutely in love with him. We both go to different universities and this year he made a female friend. He has grown quite close to her and always tells me about her and what her life is like, how she acts when angry, stressed, etc., and I comprehensively could not give less of a shit. It is very triggering for me when he talks about her (I literally start to shake and my mood goes totally downhill), and I don't want to believe I am jealous, because I trust my bf 100%, but this really, REALLY, bothers me. I don't want to bring it up to seem controlling or disapproving because I know my bf means well, hence I am in a pickle. I believe it is because 1. we both went to single-sex schools and 2. I am not used to him having female friends. He also compares me to her all the time (e.g. when I'm hangry I do this, but when his friend is hangry she does this hahaha, it's so funny to watch kinda stuff), which I despise. I am my own self! He also said to me that she was looking for a relationship with someone like him (a comment she didn't say, but he came up with by himself) which made me hella uncomfortable, though he realized and regretted it afterward. Still stung. I'm thinking I should let him know I don't like being compared, though I don't want to seem controlling as I love that he can talk to me about his friends, it just bugs me that he has grown so close with her and talks about her all.the.time! Even when we went on a romantic dinner together! Total mood killer. And I know he is uncomfortable when I talk about any male I encounter on a daily basis as he disengages from the conversation, but he has no trouble at all even though I am obviously uncomfortable. We have a good relationship and this is the only thing in the way at the moment. They also hang out one-on-one often which similarly bugs me. I need some advice! Is it normal to feel this way? 

Re: Struggling with boyfriend's new female friend, feeling a lack of self worth.

Hey there @htiaftisi

 

This is a realllly common feeling and it's a good thing that you've chosen to share it. I know I've been through these feelings before and it can be really confusing when you know that you trust your partner, but still feel funny about it. 

 

I think it is totally fair for you to ask your boyfriend to be mindful not to compare you and his friend - it sounds like he really doesn't mean for it to upset you but it's not controlling to set some boundaries for how you want to be treated. Sharing feelings can be hard in these situations but if you can have a respectful and loving conversation it can be an opportunity to grow stronger as a couple. 

 

Maybe you can get some tips for how to have this conversation with him, I can imagine it might be nerve racking to talk about. We have a good article here about how to tackle a difficult conversation. 

Re: Struggling with boyfriend's new female friend, feeling a lack of self worth.

Hey thank you so much for your reply! I let my bf know that I didn’t like being compared and I don’t think he even realised he was doing it so that has stopped (yesss). I still struggle often with the comment he made about how the other girl wanted someone like him, which I think is the source of my insecurity in the first place. I am getting anxious whenever he brings her up, like today he was telling me how she was on her period and couldn’t do Ramadan, and I found it uncomfortable that she had told him that, and also why the hell he was reiterating it to me as some women like to keep that private. Plus I don’t know the girl so it was weird. Just feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing really. I think he realises I feel a bit threatened, and I think he may have a crush on her but i know he loves me. Still I’m having trouble shaking anxiousness off (and coming across as antsy in my response to anything to do with her). I’ve decided not to have a conversation with him about how I feel so I don’t come off as insecure, I also realise I can’t (and quite frankly don’t want to) control who he talks to, so really it would really achieve nothing having a convo about how I don’t want to hear about her. I’m fine with his other female friends, he just mentions this one all the time and brings her up in conversation a lot. Ugh feelings!

Re: Struggling with boyfriend's new female friend, feeling a lack of self worth.

Hey @htiaftisi 

Go you for having this super tough chat with him! I can imagine it must have been hard to bring up your feelings with him around it, but it sounds like he was pretty understanding and was able to see where you were coming from.

I think it is super understandable to be feeling this way about how he talks about his new friend and to be feeling uncomfortable around him saying she wants to be with someone like him. I also get why you don't want to have another conversation with him about it, do you think he would understand why something like that would make you feel anxious?

 

Also "Ugh Feelings!" Is a V relatable statement. Do you think you might get a chance to meet her soon? Do you think that could ease your mind a little bit?

Re: Struggling with boyfriend's new female friend, feeling a lack of self worth.

Hi @htiaftisi! Welcome to the forums!
If I were in your shoes, I would feel a bit uncomfortable with your boyfriend's relationship with this friend too. I would also think that it's weird that she told him that she was on her period, that he talks about her when you're on a date with him and that he compares you to her. I don't know the full context and I can't read your boyfriend's mind, but I think it's understandable that you would want to know where you stand in the relationship and what his intentions are with the friend.
It sounds like a tricky situation. Is your boyfriend secretive when meeting up or talking to this friend? Are they hanging out by themselves or in a group of people?