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Struggling with boyfriend's new female friend, feeling a lack of self worth.

Hello,

I am having mixed emotions about my boyfriend's new female friend. We have been together for 2.5 years and I am absolutely in love with him. We both go to different universities and this year he made a female friend. He has grown quite close to her and always tells me about her and what her life is like, how she acts when angry, stressed, etc., and I comprehensively could not give less of a shit. It is very triggering for me when he talks about her (I literally start to shake and my mood goes totally downhill), and I don't want to believe I am jealous, because I trust my bf 100%, but this really, REALLY, bothers me. I don't want to bring it up to seem controlling or disapproving because I know my bf means well, hence I am in a pickle. I believe it is because 1. we both went to single-sex schools and 2. I am not used to him having female friends. He also compares me to her all the time (e.g. when I'm hangry I do this, but when his friend is hangry she does this hahaha, it's so funny to watch kinda stuff), which I despise. I am my own self! He also said to me that she was looking for a relationship with someone like him (a comment she didn't say, but he came up with by himself) which made me hella uncomfortable, though he realized and regretted it afterward. Still stung. I'm thinking I should let him know I don't like being compared, though I don't want to seem controlling as I love that he can talk to me about his friends, it just bugs me that he has grown so close with her and talks about her all.the.time! Even when we went on a romantic dinner together! Total mood killer. And I know he is uncomfortable when I talk about any male I encounter on a daily basis as he disengages from the conversation, but he has no trouble at all even though I am obviously uncomfortable. We have a good relationship and this is the only thing in the way at the moment. They also hang out one-on-one often which similarly bugs me. I need some advice! Is it normal to feel this way? 

Re: Struggling with boyfriend's new female friend, feeling a lack of self worth.

Hey there @htiaftisi

 

This is a realllly common feeling and it's a good thing that you've chosen to share it. I know I've been through these feelings before and it can be really confusing when you know that you trust your partner, but still feel funny about it. 

 

I think it is totally fair for you to ask your boyfriend to be mindful not to compare you and his friend - it sounds like he really doesn't mean for it to upset you but it's not controlling to set some boundaries for how you want to be treated. Sharing feelings can be hard in these situations but if you can have a respectful and loving conversation it can be an opportunity to grow stronger as a couple. 

 

Maybe you can get some tips for how to have this conversation with him, I can imagine it might be nerve racking to talk about. We have a good article here about how to tackle a difficult conversation.