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Struggling with first heartbreak

Hi,

I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago and I am having a very difficult time. We are both 20 years old. He was my first boyfriend so I believe I completely lost myself and made him the centre of my happiness but the breakup has left me feeling very lost, hopeless, broken and confused. This is a really long story by the way but someone please read it to understand fully why I’m so hurt and confused.

 

Context of the situation before the breakup: 

We had generally been a happy couple. We were together for 10 months and there really wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. He was the centre of my world and I genuinely loved him but suddenly we had begun to buttheads and he was finding me more and more annoying which hurt my feelings. We have the same friends so he started telling them issues he saw in the relationship but wouldn’t tell me. Before, he was very affectionate and lovely towards me but then he just wasn’t like that eventually and blamed it on not being in the honeymoon stage anymore but surely you’d still want to be affectionate towards your girlfriend? Our friends would end up telling me stuff like hes not affectionate and regrets being like that with you because that’s not who he really is and how he feels I’m a bit needy because he still makes time for me even if it isn’t a lot anf I would complain but I would just be confused because whenever he saw me  these issues were not mentioned. I started to get very sad and insecure with the relationship which made me latch on to him stronger as I feared us breaking up but I believe that contributed to him pulling away. I was crying often because he was very hard to read and wouldn’t communicate to me his feelings and it was confusing. Then there was one night where we had an argument because he said I ask too many questions and it was pissing him off. The conversation basically ended with him telling me to shut up and that I annoy him. I told him I loved before the call ended because we always do that but he didn’t say it back and just ended the call. The next day I was a mess, I was crying on the road and just genuinely broken at how different things seemed to be. When I got home I talked to him and told him how I’m feeling then he got angry at me again, ended the call to call our friend that I live with basically letting her know the situation and why I’m irritating him. He was hard to talk to on the phone so I ended up sending him a paragraph. He replied hours later saying something along the lines of “Not gonna lie right now I’m just not feeling it. We clash on things that irritate me and I shouldn’t have to tell you how to be because then you’re not being yourself. Me being me and you being you should work but it’s now got us here. I just want to chill from the situation” when I asked him what this meant he told me he wanted space for a bit so I left him to have his space. Our friend spoke to him a few days afterwards telling him I understand why he wanted space because I had become a bit too much with my emotions and was relying on him way too much for happiness which wasn’t fair. He then told her it was music to his ears and it’s about time but he’ll see how he’s feeling in a week. A week comes and I still heard nothing so I left him, two weeks comes and I’m rushed to hospital because of an allergic reaction. He heard about it and asked if I’m okay and to keep him updated. I tried to have a conversation with him and ask him how he had been and if he missed me. He told me something like that but he didn’t message for that conversation and he still wanted space he was just checking if I was okay so again, I left him. Three weeks after he requested the break he tells me he’s gonna come see me on the weekend if he has no work I said okay I hope you can make it. The weekend comes and he has work so can’t make it but says he will on a day he’s free. On that same day he speaks to our friend and she tells him if she was me she would have left him because he seems incapable of sorting out dilemmas and a relationship like that sounds emotionally draining. He just shrugged it off and asked her if she thinks I’d do that and she said no. He said to her the next week he’ll come to my house and sort things out. The fourth week comes and on the Wednesday he messaged me about being bored then I told him if he’s bored he should come to mine. He told me he had work the next day so couldn’t and I asked when he’s next free then he said he’s free on Saturday but has a work party. then I said when are we actually going to sort this out it’s been almost a month it’s ridiculous now. He ignored the message then told me he had to go to bed. I said more in a paragraph then he read the message and ignored it. This frustrated me and made me cry because throughout the whole space thing I was just lost and didn’t know where we stood because he wouldn’t communicate things to me. On the Saturday I ended up at the hospital again and let him know about it. He started saying things like “you know I’m at a work party, I told you I would be here but let me know where you are I’m coming” he was drunk so he was talking a lot of gibberish so I told him he didn’t have to come and to enjoy his night. He read it then ignored it again. Later in the day when I was still at the hospital I told him he didn’t have to worry because I wasn’t at the hospital near him. He asked who I was with and I said myself then he started saying I’m making him feel bad and he doesn’t have time for me right now because he’s at work. I apologised saying my aim wasn’t to make you feel bad then he said to me when he’s done with work we need to talk because he’s tired of doing this it’s pointless and he’s far too busy for this. I was so confused and didn’t know what that meant. Why was he so concerned with looking bad, why didn’t he ask if I was okay? That night I tried to talk to him then he just dismissed me saying he’s too tired to talk about what he wanted to talk about. I told him I wanted to call to sort things out and he responded “I see” like what? Did he want that too or not? All these mixed signals were hurting my feelings. I then said to him that I’m trying to sort things out so please talk to me when you can and he just didn’t open the message for 3 days. This was all on Snapchat so my message was just there left unopen whilst he was posting things on snapchat, his snapchat score was going up; he was just plain ignoring me. Our friends tried to talk to him to tell him to talk to me and sort things out because it had not entered the fifth week so it was ridiculous. He kept telling them he would but never did. On the Thursday of that week I had an asthma attack due to all the stress of not knowing what was going on and was rushed to hospital again. Our friend got frustrated and reached out to him saying he must sort things out because it’s not affecting my health. He got so mad at her and said this word for word: “so her health is my fault? I’ve been saying I don’t know how I feel but fuck it I’m now being made to feel guilty about her health so it’s completely off between me and her. I’ll get my stuff tomorrow” I read this as I was sitting next to her and broke down in the hospital. Prior to that message I had also sent him another message asking if he even wanted this anymore or not but he ignored that too. When we got back from the hospital I packed all his things and gave it to our friend. I deleted him off of everything and she told him she had his stuff to which he replied okay cool I’ll come get them early in the morning. He told her he didn’t want to message me because the way I go about things is annoying. So he basically broke up with me through a friend. He claims he was going to send me a message on snapchat explaining everything but didn’t get the chance as I had deleted him. 

 

I am so hurt. I went through so much in that situation only to be dropped like I meant nothing. It’s hurting me so bad because he used to be so fond and love me so much. How can that change, where did I go wrong? I just don’t get it. How was I so sure of him but he wasn’t sure of me? What made him so confused? I’m struggling so much right now. I have assignments due and I can concentrate. I can’t eat or sleep properly. I dream about him and it drives me insane. What did I do to deserve that? Advice on how to move past this painful experience?

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Re: Struggling with first heartbreak

Hi there @Brokengirl1234 and welcome to the forums.

First of all, thank you for your courage in sharing your story with us. It sounds like this event has affected you deeply and I hope that by sharing it with us, it has helped. 

 

It can be really hard to know what causes how people feel or act, sometimes talking to people close to us who understand the situation can be helpful in figuring out what happened. Reachout has a great article over here on coping after a break up that has some suggestions on things you can do to help you. 

 

Good luck with your assignments, best of luck  Smiley Happy


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I am finishing with ReachOut this week, say good-bye here. I'll miss you all!

Re: Struggling with first heartbreak

Hi @Brokengirl1234

 

Welcome to heartbreak. It's a shitty horrible feeling that you're dragging along wherever you go. Love is strange, weird, wonderful etc etc. But the most important thing to understand about love is that it's a two way street. Doesn't matter if you loved them infinitely but if they don't love you then there's no way the relationship can go ahead. You being so sure doesn't mean or suggest he was sure at all, especially since you said he was not great at communicating. Also love can be blinding, maybe you didn't see the signs or chose to ignore the red flags that the relationship was declining because you were just so in love.

 

You don't deserve it the hurt but it happens. We take the risk to fall in love and sometimes it bites us in the ass and we get our hearts broken. You didn't do anything wrong, sometimes love just fizzles out. Doubt there was anything that you could have done to save the relationship. 

 

I'm sorry that you're not sleeping well and can't concentrate or be able to eat. Things will slowly get better in time. Try not to beat yourself up too much about the breakup. Negative thinking doesn't help and there's no point thinking about the what ifs. It sucks that your friendship circle is the same because my suggestion is to focus on your other relationship and hopefully forget about your ex. in time.

 

Re: Struggling with first heartbreak

Hey @Brokengirl1234, how are you feeling today? Sending all the positive vibes your way.

 

Nothing can feel quite as shitty as a break-up, so I totally relate with what you are going through right now. It's particularly hard when you're on the side of the relationship where you are the one that wants to do things to save it, and the other person just seems like they're completely unwilling. I feel like it's easier to feel powerless in that situation because ultimately it only takes 1 person to decide that a relationship isn't going to work out. And when that person isn't you, it's really easy to turn the blame onto yourself, and ask yourself what you could have done differently.


I think one of the worst things about breakups is their ability to negatively impact your self-esteem, even though it's unlikely that anything was your fault. From what you've told me about your relationship it really doesn't seem like there's anything that could have been done by you. You seemed totally open to trying to make it work and unfortunately it didn't seem like he was. But that's his fault, and not yours, so try not to turn those feelings onto yourself. You sound like a wonderful and caring person, and I'm sure you will find someone that will treat you with more appreciation.

 

It's also great that you identified that you depended on him too much for your happiness. I feel like this is very common in first relationships, and this is all new wisdom that you can use to carry on into your future relationships (with friends or romantic partners). 

 

I hope you feel better today. Sending you lots of virtual hugs Smiley Happy 

Re: Struggling with first heartbreak

Thank you so much for your reply. 

 

You’re right. There were red flags and I was aware of them but I ignored them. I was even told by the friends we share that I shouldn’t be putting up with this because I shouldn’t be this unhappy but I ignored them thinking things would get better. I was also holding onto the hope that he would come back from the space refreshed and ready to committ the the relationship 100% because when he asked for the space he said “I’m willing to work on things but right now I just want space for a bit. I just kept telling all my friends he was coming back and shutting them down when they told me to leave him because he doesn’t appreciate me but I refused to listen. Now I look stupid. It just hurts. Looking back there’s nothing I could have don’t to save the relationship because I was doing all I could but a relationship doesn’t work if only one person wants it. I just don’t understand why he had to drag things on for so long if he didn’t want me anymore...

 

Anyway I only hope to grow stronger from this experience. I’m going through a hard time but I can’t wait for the day I can say I am genuinely happy and over it. Thank you again for your response, it made me feel a bit better Smiley Happy

Re: Struggling with first heartbreak

Hi, today I’m not feeling great but I’m just taking it one day at a time. Thank you for your response. I was very open to sorting things out, I wanted that more than anything. Throughout the whole situation I wasn’t eating or sleeping well because I just wanted us to be okay whilst he was just not caring or communicating anything to me. I went through a lot with him...there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for him really but I guess it’s his loss. I can’t force anyone to love me. I guess our relationship had run it’s course I just didn’t want to accept that. 

 

My aim is to focus on loving me and becoming a better version of myself before even thinking about pursuing something with another boy. I can’t allow history to repeat itself because when he left he took my happiness with him and that shouldn’t be the case. Now I feel like I have to build myself back up again and it feels so lonely but I’ll get there Smiley Happy

Re: Struggling with first heartbreak

Hey there @Brokengirl1234, thank you for the update on how things are going Smiley Happy

 

It sounds like you have some fantastic goals moving forwards from this situation. If you feel comfortable to, reaching out to your friends or family members for support during this time can be so helpful in achieving those goals and working through feeling lonely. What do you think?

 

I was also wondering if you've checked your emails as I sent one a couple of days ago?

 


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I am finishing with ReachOut this week, say good-bye here. I'll miss you all!