TW: My life.

[AngelJoy]

Hi, @AngelJoy here. I've decided to tell you a bit about my life.

 Every day is a pain, I get broken down and it takes ages for me to get back up. My brother calls me a winge, loser. My mum said i am weird, boring and that I need a personality. I am rather sensitive so I took it pretty bad. I am not allowed online, I pretty much can't do anything. All I do is sit at home doing schoolwork or listening to music, and patting my cat, Smiley. I have a lot of metal illnesses, I think. I don't actually fully know because I'm too afraid to ask my parents if I can see a counsellor or therapist or psychologist. But, I do have some ideas about what I might have. This includes anxiety, depression and dpd or bpd. But, I could have more I just don't really know all about it. I've been wanting to get help for a while now. But it is hard to get help when you can't go online, and are too afraid to talk to your parents. I don't have any friends, I have online friends though. And yes, I have to go online to talk to them. My best online friend actually understands me which is good. He's the one who said I might have dpd or bpd like him. He says I'm literally him, like a younger him even though I'm a female. Anyway, I feel like nothing inside a rather lot, and I don't really eat much anymore. Because of my metal illnesses it's hard to think straight. Like, my mind is all over the place as well as my emotions. I have a lot of bad thoughts, thoughts which you do not want to live with. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts. And they aren't nice. But I have to try keep going no matter how many times I get knocked down. I try my best for everything.

Ok, that is all for now. I hope you enjoyed reading this, bye.

[Sophia-RO]

I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through lately @AngelJoy. It sounds like things have been tough for you and that you are not getting much support from your family. So great that you have some good friends who have been supporting you through this though. It sounds like your family environment can be hurtful and upsetting at times, how do you cope with feeling that way? 

Sounds like it must be hard for you right now as you are considering seeing a professional for some more support but are too afraid to ask your parents. Are there any reasons that make you feel afraid to approach your parents for this extra support? 

You mentioned that you have thoughts of suicide, have you been having these thoughts lately? Are there any activities that you could do today that might help you feel a bit better? 

[AngelJoy]

Well, it is kinda hard to cope with. It breaks me down a bit, and sometimes I cry at night because of everything that's going on. I cried last night, but that was because I missed talking to my best friend.

 I feel afraid to tell my parents because I don't know how they would react. And I don't know how I would react to how they would react.

 Suicidal thoughts have been happening a fair bit lately, heh. Well, I don't really have much to do. Daydream I guess, think about stuff, that's all I usually do while playing a video game and listening to music.🎵

[AngelJoy]

And my body has just been aching lately even though I've done nothing. At 1 this morning I woke up then, and I couldn't go back to sleep. And my body was just aching, I turned over and my shoulder hurt, then my lower back hurt. It felt like I was gonna die to be honest, though that might sound a bit like nonsense. I sort of ache now still. And my breathing isn't that good, I have this, well I think I have this thing where when I breath in the muscle doesn't expand on the left side. So, then it starts to hurt, and it hurts more when I take deeper breaths. But, yeah. My body has been hurting all over for some reason.

[Sophia-RO]

That sounds really hard @AngelJoy. It must have been quite scary when you woke up feeling sore and thought that you might die. The physical concerns that you talk about sound quite worrisome, it sounds like it would be a good idea for you to see a medical professional about some of these symptoms. I would encourage you to approach your parents and let them know about how your body has been feeling lately and asking them if you can see your GP.

Sorry to hear that you have been having suicidal thoughts lately, do you intend to act on these thoughts or are they just thoughts for now? Are you feeling safe right now?

[A_Friend]

@AngelJoy I have had suicidal thoughts before and I can empathise with the struggle to tell your parents. Something that helped was videos like a message to the depressed, Listen to this when stressed/overwhelmed/depressed/etc and if you are feeling... watch this. This helped me to feel less alone and heard. @Sophia-RO has asked some great thought-provoking questions, im patiently awaiting your response to the latest questions.

[AngelJoy]

Nope, I am not going to act on the thoughts. I have a reason to be here, and lots of other people need me. I have helped people with their problems, and they always say that I am the bestest friend ever. The nicest person ever. There's this one girl on this game i play, her name is Sweet. And she is the happiest girl ever, she is so positive. She said she doesn't know what she would've done without me. I filled her spirit, I believed in her. I had faith in her, and treated her like a sister. Also, the pain in my body has gone. Yesterday, was just a day I had to suffer physically. But, today is a new day and I am not suffering physically. Sometimes I did say that I was gonna kill myself, but that was just nonsense. We all have a reason to be here, and these things happen for a reason. But, we just have to keep going, have to find that light in the darkness. That's what me and my best friend say.

@A_Friend I shall watch that video when I can. Thank you.

[A_Friend]

@AngelJoy I can really empathise with this mindset that your speaking of here. Having that mindset is really important, but I think even with the mindset you should not belittle your suicidal thoughts to nonsense because they show your strength to going even during tougher times.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @AngelJoy, I have been reading through your thread and I am sorry to hear about how incredibly tough things get for you That must be so upsetting to deal with.

It is awesome that you have a friend who helps you through this and that you know that you have a reason to be here. You sound like a really helpful and caring friend - everyone must be so lucky to have your in their lives. Helping people is an incredibly special thing to do. I hope you have more days like today where you can see the light in the darkness

[Macaria]

Hi @AngelJoy, I feel so bad for you and your words recall my memory about similar experience during my adolescence. I can understand that's really helpless and painful, it's like no one in the family will understand you ever and they even put more pain and stresses on you, and it's like can't do anything else except accepting that distress because you are still a kid (I guess? there are a lot solutions that a kid can't do without parents ). do you have school counsellor at your school? and do you have anyone that you can trust to help you to approach your parents (maybe a teacher?)