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TW: i dont know if this is considered as rape but im traumatized and disgusted with myself

So i recently just started working with this small company and im the only female there. At first i didnt think much about it as everyone respected me as a woman but after a month i started noticing something different with my boss. My working hours aren't like any other company. Sometimes we would have to OT up till late at night (12am/1am) or sometimes even stay overnight in the office. A couple of days ago i started to notice how my boss behaves around me and i find it very odd but i didn't what to overthink about it or be negative because i barely know him so maybe this is how he really is. We had to go on a site visit which took a 3 hour drive to the place and 3 hours back so by the time we reached the office, it was around 9pm and for some reason that day no one was in the office. Usually my colleagues would stay till late but not that night. Everyday after working hours my boss and colleagues would bring out a bottle of whiskey in the office to ease our stress, so that night my boss took out the bottle and poured a glass for the both of us. I was ready to go home but he insisted on having a drink and as someone who respects him as a boss i didnt declined (which i totally regret now). Usually im not a lightweight but whenever i drink while im exhausted the liquor tends to kick in faster. after a few glasses i realised im not in the right state of mind and excused myself to go to the bathroom. I believed i stayed in there for more than 20 minutes just passed out on the floor.

 

After 20 minutes or so passed by i heard my boss calling my name and i regain my energy to leave the bathroom but at that moment i couldnt think or walk straight, barely could even see clearly. I dragged myself back in the office and my boss told me to sit down and rest for a bit, then everything went black. The next thing i know he was on top of me, started kissing me. My brain was conscious but my body was unresponsive. i didnt know what to do, all i was thinking about is that if i try to fight this guy he might end up hurting me because he was twice the size i am and im very petite and if i were to scream, nobody could hear me so instead of doing anything i just let him be. He completely took advantage of me, he forced himself on me sexually and I couldn't do anything to fight.

 

after he was done i passed out, and woke up at 4am on the floor of his office room.. He was still there, he cleaned me up and took me home. Acted like nothing happened. The next day i felt disgusted with myself.. How could i let him do that to me, i felt so guilty. Like everything was my fault.. If i hadn't been afraid to tell him no to drinking and went home, i could've avoided this situation and now i don't know what to do. I tried to avoid him but he would act like as if i was now his. He tried to hold my hand in the car as if we were now dating and bare in mind he's a 40+ married man that has 2 kids that are 3 to 4 years younger than me and the fucked up part is that i share the same name as his older daughter. 

 

I just recently got this job and i love what i do but after what happened im too afraid to go to work or to even see him. He would ask me out during the weekends or sometimes send me a picture of him drinking and inviting me to join him. I dont know who to talk to about this because im too embarrassed of what happened to me so instead i keep my mouth shut. Im afraid to speak out which is why i am r 

 

Re: TW: i dont know if this is considered as rape but im traumatized and disgusted with myself

Hi @aphrodite96 

 

Firstly I wanted to say what happened to you is not OK and it is not your fault at all. What you went through sounds extremely traumatizing and to be brave enough to speak about it shows such strength. I can hear how much you are struggling with this and the pain that you are feeling, I can also hear that you are blaming yourself, again none of this is your fault whatsoever. Sharing here is massive first step, there is support out there for you. I have noticed that  you are located in the USA, you might find this organisation helpful National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline   they have counselling, referrals and resources. They would be a good starting point and could support you with contacting the police if that is something that you wanted to do.  Are their people in your life that you think you could open up to about this?

 

I also wanted to let you know that I just had to edit a few things and pop as trigger warning on the tittle as some people might find some of what was written distressing, you can check out our community guidelines here 

 

You are not alone we are here to listen Heart

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Re: i dont know if this is considered as rape but im traumatized and disgusted with myself

Hi @aphrodite96 

 

That definitely sounds like rape...

You were not able to give consent, and you did not consent. 

 

I also just want to say that this was not your fault. You did not deserve this, and you did nothing wrong.

 

As well as what @Claire-RO suggested, you should be able to talk to HR if your company has it. That might help put a stop to his current behavior. 

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Re: TW: i dont know if this is considered as rape but im traumatized and disgusted with myself

Hi @aphrodite96,

I just wanted to say that I’m here to support you.
I think you’ve been so brave and courageous to share this on here and although it may be hard to believe right now, the others are certainly right that it isn’t your fault.

You need to put yourself first now and do what’s best for you and only you. 💜
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Re: TW: i dont know if this is considered as rape but im traumatized and disgusted with myself

First of all, I’m so proud of you for speaking out about your traumatic experience. You’ve already been incredibly brave and it was in no way your fault. I haven’t been through the same experience but can definitely imagine how painful and confusing and horrible you would feel. I would suggest reaching out to a rape counselling service in the USA like the others have mentioned. I really hope you will feel better (and soon too). Also don’t hesitate to reach out to multiple services if there’s a delay in getting back to you. They’re all there to help out people like you and please don’t feel guilty about any of your actions. It was out of your control and you were in no state to give consent. It doesn’t matter if you were drunk! No one is allowed to even touch you unless you give them your consent. It’s not about saying NO, but actually about saying YES, I WANT TO DO THIS WITH YOU. I really hope you can talk to someone who’s experienced something similar. And of course, feel free to talk on here in this forum. Were all glad to help out in anyway we can. So yeah, I believe you and I support you and I’m here to talk if you ever feel like it 💜💜

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Re: TW: i dont know if this is considered as rape but im traumatized and disgusted with myself

hi @aphrodite96  

Firstly ANY sexual experience whether its touching or even more without YOUR CONSENT is definently NOT OK and IS NOT your fault. he took advantage of you and I would say yes that is rape. I see a few members have offered some advice along with some links to have a look at. 

1800RESPECT is a safe place for you to talk to qualified counsellors about what happened. 

I would also suggest speaking to your gp as they can refer you to psychologists, and can also do some testing to ensure theres no STI's etc. 

I understand the embarrassment and all the emotions that come with this as I was sexually abused when younger and its still hard for me to come to terms with now. please don't be afraid to reach out for supports, speak with a trusted family member or friend and possibly consider talking to the police if you would like to do that. 

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**