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The First Time

Hello there RO

Okay so me and my girlfriend have been together for around 5 months and we have been discussing the idea of sex. I am ready for it. I love her with all my heart and soul and I see her as such a perfect person. Now, she is older than me (Only about 8 months) and she is also not a virgin. She has had sex with only one other guy which was her previous boyfriend. She doesn't believe that she should be the one I lose it too, and is scared that I'll regret later and wants me first time to be special. Now, I really really really love her and I can't stress it enough and I have told her that I want to lose it to her because she is so special to me. I haven't at all been pushing it and I completely respect any boundaries and fears on her part, it's just been just simple discussion, but she still believes that I deserve someone better. The idea of sex with each other isn't treated as complete red zone when it comes to conversation, and we have displayed our interest in it, but it is just the first time that worries her. How can I help us get through this? I do think we should wait perhaps a few months longer to be honest. Just feels better to me and might give her time. I really love this girl and don't want to force her into anything that she is not 100% comfortable with.

Just a few things about our relationship that may be taken into account

1. We are long distance. She lives in Canberra and I am in Sydney. We are able to see each other 1-2 a month, staying at each other's houses

2. She hasn't said anything about her not wanting to have sex other than what I have said. I have urged her to be honest with me and I believe she has been.


Apologies if I at all sound at all pushy or shallow :/ I just don't know how to explain it that well


Re: The First Time

Hey @drhalloween - sounds like big things are happening in your relationship! There is so much pressure and expectation around what your first time is supposed to be like that it can feel like a big responsibility to 'take' someone else's virginity. From what you've described, your girlfriend might not feel comfortable handling that responsibility yet. There are lots of different reasons why that might be the case but you'll really only find out if you talk to her about it. After all, if you're going to be having sex, you should also be able to talk about having sex!


Have you read through some of the info on RO about sex? There are loads here, and we also had a Getting Real session AND an Infobus session on the topic!


Re: The First Time

I do plan to talk to her about it properly next time I see her in person. I just don't want her to feel all that weight on her ad that responsibility :/


Re: The First Time

Hey @drhalloween how are you going?


By the sounds of it you guys are being really mature about this decision, well done!

I can understand that it feels like a big resposibility for her, I suppose you do remember your first time and all, even though its often not too great (limbs everywhere, it can be scary and new and its usually all about figuring out what goes where!) but sharing it together is pretty special and it makes it less awkward and more fuzzy-feeling-inside

If you are ready and you want it to be with her, you could explain to her how you love her and she shouldnt see it as a responsibility she has on her own, more something you will both be doing and dealing with together? It takes two to tango!

Re: The First Time

I want her to know how much she means to me and that I want to share that moment with her because I love her. I also want to make it special for her seeing as our experience is quite different in the issue. She has expressed interested but just feels bad Smiley Sad


Re: The First Time

Hey @drhalloween 


It's awesome that you're putting this level of thought into your first time rather than rushing into it, without any communication, and regretting things later. 

It sounds like you may not have any answers to your questions until you see her next and are able to talk this through but when you do talk, have you thought about all the different options that you guys could consider togther. For example, often people get very stuck on sex as only being sex if it involves going all the way. Maybe your girlfriend would be more comfortable engaging in some other things without going all the way to the end. If your aim is to connect with her and become more intimate physically, then looking at other options, that she's really comfortabble with, might be something you guys can agree on easily. And arriving at a mutual agreement easily is way sexier than having a long drawn out debate that might end up an argument.

If you decide you want some more info, particularly if you want info around the nitty gritty stuff like 'how to' and 'what happens when', Somazone is a place where you can submit questions anonymously and have them answered by a health professional.


Hope it all goes well. Smiley Happy