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Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Hello all,

A bit of context. I have recently been struggling a lot with my current bf of 1.5 years. In december through to early january i went on a once in a lifetime trip with his family to 5 different countries, and i really felt like our relationship thrived. However, fast-forward to when the trip finished, he has completely changed. He is lazy, does not want to make the bus trip to my house, puts no effort whatsoever into this relationship, would rather play video games than talk to me and was acting extremely inappropriately, for example wiping his snot on me and deliberately breathing in my face. This is absolutely unacceptable, and i have since asked him to stop. This took 3 tries over the course of three months to finally get any type of real response, with the last one being a fed-up blowout from me saying that if he kept treating me like garbage i would leave (which i stick by too). Keep in mind we are both 18 and in our first relationship, recently finished the HSC. Though i feel i am much, MUCH more mature than him. He is on the inside a good and wholesome dude, and i do not believe he means any harm by doing these things, it is not his personality type to deliberately hurt me. I just believe he has absolutely no clue whatsoever how to treat me. I am struggling with this. I feel i am constantly criticizing his behaviour, though i do not mean it in a controlling way. I believe i am in my rights to tell him to stop behaving badly towards me. I do not expect much other than respect, which i have not been recieving. Despite all of this, after my major spit, he did make some changes, such as calling me in the morning and being a bit more affectionate (it got to the point a month ago where he wouldnt even want to hug or kiss me - not normal in my opinion). He also took me out to the movies (also a rare occasion, considering he would actively make excuses not to go out). I want to keep giving him chances because i love him with all my heart and he was really good for me last year, though has done absolute jack for me this year. To top this all off, i found that he was secretly in contact with an ex-friend of mine who significantly affected my mental health last year with her bullying, someone who i decidedly cut out of my life. Even though my bf and her were friends beforehand (and dated for 2 weeks), i see this as a betrayal, as it was secret communication and she has actively treated me like shit and i do not believe he should be supporting that at all, considering his girlfriend was significantly hurt by her. I am not sure how i should approach this relationship anymore. I can feel it slowly tattering away and i desperately want it to last, as he is genuinly at heart a good person. I do not think he realises how much he has done to hurt me, even though i constantly remind him. My parents are suprised i havent broken it off already. When is it time to draw the line, however much doing so will upset and hurt me? Any advice or outside insight into the information i have provided will be useful and much appreciated

 

Many thanks and apologies for the long explanation, just needed to get it out of my system.

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Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Oh and just to top it off, right before my spit, i wanted five minutes to look in a store before i went back to his place with him. He instead jumped on a bus and went home, expecting me to follow him on another bus 10 mins later. I went home, and later that night had my spit at him.

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Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Oh @comerfordius I can understand why you're feeling unsure. Especially since you had that amazing trip and then things seemed to change when you came home. I also get why you'd be feeling strange that your bf was chatting with someone who really hurt you. Open communication is so important, especially with things like that. 

 

Deciding when to break things off is something you have to decide for yourself. However, some tips I have for working that out is to reflect on what your boundaries are. What does "enough" look like to you? It's different for everyone. We have an article here called "Is your relationship past it's use-by date". I think that might be helpful to read Heart 

 

Big virtual hugs! 

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Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Thank you so much for replying i really appreciate it. I will check out the article. Yeah its just really confusing. I openly communicated with him multiple times and did a values activity, before i blew up. I am just feeling a bit sad. I'm giving him 3 months and if i still feel like this i may sadly have to end it Smiley Sad

 

Many thanks for your advice

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Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Hey @comerfordius, it is a really unfortunate that you are in this situation. It must be so heartbreaking for you. You mention that you have a plan for moving forward which is a really constructive way to approach this. It sounds like you have really done your best in improving things between you. I hope it all works out but please keep us updated Heart

Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Thank you also for replying Smiley Happy I do hope it works out because he is a genuine guy on the inside who needs to grow up a bit. This week has been so far so good (besides finding out he was talking to my bully), and i hope the goodness lasts. On top of all this i found out yesterday afternoon that my aunty has multiple brain tumours and is going into emergency surgery tomorrow, so i guess i will see how he supports me through this time. When i had my spit at him i asked him if he even wanted to be in a relationship based on how he was treating me, and he said that he did indeed want me to be his girlfriend. We will see how this plays out.

 

Again many many thanks for the reply, i really appreciate the support and advice Smiley Happy

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Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

And yes i will keep updating if anything new comes through Smiley Happy this is my medium to get things off my chest with a little advice on the side Smiley Happy

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Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Hey @comerfordius!

I'm so glad to hear that you're finding ReachOut a helpful place to talk about thing in your time of need Smiley Happy How are you feeling today?

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Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Hello! I am feeling a bit better today, though have contemplated that it is probably best to end the relationship. it was hard to think about but after talking to my parents and asking their opinions i think it is probably the best thing to do if he is not treating me well. I am still hopeful that he will come around im just not sure if i want to wait for my initial plan of three months to pass. But otherwise im doing good today and took the dog out Smiley Very Happy Smiley Very Happy 

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Re: Unsure if i should stick with current boyfriend - advice?

Hey @comerfordius 

 

It sounds like you've (pretty much) made your decision. It's great that you feel you can talk to your parents. I think you're right. If he isn't treating you well then ending things is probably the healthiest thing that you can do for yourself. Please keep us updated on how things go Heart and thanks again for sharing!