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grieving

!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!

 

last term i lost my best friend. he's been struggling for years and he just couldn't do it anymore. i cant get the image out of my head i never even got to meet him, we were friends since 2016. he was abused his whole life and in his suicide letter he addressed me as the person who kept him going for this long. i cant eat or sleep and i feel sick to my stomach, i'm only 14 and he was only 15. i feel like throwing up right now i'm in class and i'm starting to want to do bad things to myself. i have friends and family but i just miss him the most and i feel guilty that i couldn't save him. the day i got home i saw i had a message from him and i was so excited, turns out it was his grandma explaining that he was gone, he had resorted to drugs and alcohol but he was seriously the sweetest person i have ever come across in my life. id always like to say that if he were an animal he'd be a golden retriever.  i believe in reincarnation and i have a feeling ill see him again one day, or maybe im just hoping that. i would do ANYTHING just to be able to talk to him once more, just to tell him that i'm sorry, to beg him to stay. id do anything just to say goodbye. i never got to hug him, to see him wheeze in real life. to listen to his singing. to tell him how much i appreciate and love him. i miss him every single day and it only happened a month ago. i miss you Dylan and i'm sorry. 

Re: grieving

Hi @lpdkojnkbhsc 

 

I am so sorry to hear what's happening right now, that's bloody terrible to lose someone you care about so much and in that way. It sounds like you were such an amazing friend and you meant so much to him. I feel your pain, i lost my mum to suicide when I was 12. It shattered my life, I felt guilty too and that i didn't do enough to save her. I felt like my heart had literally lost a piece. My mum left me a letter too, saying the same thing, that she had kept going because of me, which is such a hard but also an amazing thing to hear because that shows how much we made a difference. I am a lot older now and I can tell you it does get better and you did more than enough for your friend because you loved and cared for him. Like my mum it sounds like Dylan kept fighting as long as they could have and we helped them keep up the fight. Please be kind to yourself and let yourself feel whatever you need to! Know that it will get easier and you did make a massive difference to Dylan's life! I can understand feeling like wanting to do bad things to yourself as I have been there before myself, but we all care about you here and want you to be ok. Can you let us know if you are ok?

Re: grieving

i am alright, i was feeling really bad but i feel a little bit better. its hard to come to terms with the fact that he's really gone, its scary but in a way it makes me appreciate life more. thank you i really appreciate it, it feels nice talking to someone who understands how it feels right now <3

Re: grieving

Hello @lpdkojnkbhsc, I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through lately. I can't imagine how hard things must be for you lately. It sounds like you have adopted quite a positive attitude to how you are feeling, which is lovely Heart I am glad to hear that you are feeling better and that it has been nice for you to talk with someone about how you have been feeling Smiley Sad Do you have any enjoyable activities planned for tonight or this weekend that might help you feel a bit better?

Re: grieving

Hey @lpdkojnkbhsc 

I'm so sorry for what you have experienced and are going through. Smiley Sad I'm tearing up just thinking about the pain and loss you must feel, losing someone you loved so dearly to something so sudden. My heart and thoughts go out to you and Dylan's family. 

 

Have you been able to talk to someone about this situation and your feelings about it? My friend is going through the loss of his mother at the moment, and he had held all his feelings in, but when i called him and asked how he was going, he was truthful and he cried. He told me a week later that that phone call made him feel a lot better, and like he wasn't alone through this loss. So maybe for you, if there is a friend, family member or even a trusted teacher that you can reach out to, to talk about this with, maybe it will help you in the healing process.

 

I found this quote online;

'As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us.'

and found it to be comforting; i see it as a way that although you lost someone you love, they still live on inside of you and never leave you. You are loved, and you are so very strong Heart

 

Re: grieving

Hi @lpdkojnkbhsc 

 

I just want to say we're here for you if you need anything.

I can also get you a few extra resources/ places to go if you feel like you need it.

 

How are you going with taking care of yourself through everything?

Re: grieving

Hey @lpdkojnkbhsc it breaks my heart to hear about the loss of your friend Smiley Sad I'm so sorry you're going through this. I imagine this kind of thing would leave you feeling shattered, and it's sadly something you're not alone in facing. I hope knowing you're not alone gives you some comfort that there are people out there who understand your pain- and the desire to turn back time and do something different, as if it was your fault or that you could have done something to prevent it.. It sounds like you were such a support to him and kept him going for so long. So please don't feel guilty, there are just so many factors that go on for something like this to happen, it's not your fault, I promise Smiley Sad Grief is different for everyone so what you're feeling is okay and it's okay to be sad and miss him. It's okay to want to say goodbye and miss him everyday. He was such an important part in your life and it sounds like you'll never forget him. But hopefully the pain will ease slowly. Dylan is always with you and I'm sure he would want you to know he loved and appreciated you too and that there wasn't anything you could have done

We're here for you okay? You're always welcome to reach out on here for support

Re: grieving

Hey @lpdkojnkbhsc 

I'm so sorry to hear that and I can't imagine what you are going through right now. Losing someone you truly cared for is very hard, but I also strongly believe you'll get through this. @Claire-RO is such a good example of someone who has gone through similar experiences and is so strong and in a better place. 

 

You have been such a good friend to him and you are such a strong, loving and caring person. You were so appreciated by him and it goes to show what a great person you are. 

 

You'll get through this. Allow yourself to go through the motions and feel things you need to feel. Getting things out, grieving and talking to people can truly help. I'm so proud of you for reaching out here as a good step towards healing. 

 

Hope you're doing ok Heart

Re: grieving

Hi @Ipdkojnkbhsc,
I can totally understand how are feeling right now, I just experienced similar things last week. But fortunately nothing bad happens to my friends. I can understand why you are feeling guilty even though it is not your fault. I just wanna say you did a great job and your friend will be so happy to have you because you are so caring and nice. And for you, if you are really feeling distressing, you can tell people who support you and ask help from a psychologist.
Give you hug, hope you will be better soon

Re: grieving

Hey @lpdkojnkbhsc 

i am glad that i could help you feel a little better, how are you going today?