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why should I miss you

I don't get it, why do I miss my dad when all he ever did was hurt me. Why does the thought of him not being in life hurt me so much? He never did anything good for me, what reason do I have to miss him? None. So why do I? He is not in my life anymore I can't do anything about that I know but why is his death so upsetting. I should be over it by now right?? I wrote a letter to him and I feel like I only wrote it so it could read by someone. But theres nobody here to read it. Why am I so crazy sometimes.
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: why should I miss you

Hey @j95 … grief can be a funny thing because our reactions are all quite different. How you're feeling about your dad right now can come from all kinds of places and they're all perfectly reasonable and rational. Maybe it's because he's familiar; maybe it's just that you had a dad; maybe it's that tough switch from saying "he is" to "he was"; maybe it's something else…? Regardless, how you feel is a normal part of the grieving process.

 

What you're going through isn't "crazy"; grieving for a family member is a really difficult thing to go through. Your courage through it so far has been really admirable.

Re: why should I miss you

Thanks
I'm just a weirdo
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: why should I miss you

hi @j95, Im exactly the same my dad is still here though but everything I had was taken away from me through years of abuse, but to continue to move on in my life I had to forgive him for everything he did, and although I will never forget how much he hurt me, he is my dad and I love him so much no matter what. In some ways I feel maybe its the same with you that a small part of you has forgiven him so you can move on with your life, and no matter how much they have hurt you most of the times it hurts more because of the love you feel for them. I know that come that time for me I will miss him so much, even though hurt I suffered has cost me my job, my house, my life, my childhood all gone but it will never change the way I feel, being brought up to love and respect others so my choice is to not bring myself to other peoples level and still treat how I want to be treated.

the letter you wrote to your dad is an awesome start to allowing yourself to heal from the hurt he caused and gives you that chance to tell him how he made you feel, whether he is here or not he will hear what you read and if he doesnt read it to yourself out loud, as much it hurts speaking about your feelings about what he did may help you in some way with still what your dealing with today. I do alot of writing about things that have happened it is so overwhelming but therapedic at the same time, it has helped me so much in my life.

I have rambled on a bit but hope it helps. 

Re: why should I miss you

not at all your human after 22 years of losing my nana I still wonder if she is going to walk through the door at any second.

something that I will never get over just maybe hurt and little less each day.

@j95 you are an amazing person, never think anything less of yourself because you deserve the very best of what life has to offer, negative thoughts bring bring negative outcomes but when your hurt you are unable to think positively in time this will change for the best for your life and future.

Re: why should I miss you

Nah the letter is just stupid, anyone reading would probably the I'm an absolute nutcase.

I can't forgive him, dead or alive, he will never be forgiven for the years of torture he put this family through. This sounds awful but I don't love him, he completey effed me up. He is my dad I should love him but he didn't give me a reason to love him.
@Sap0
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//

Re: why should I miss you

Hi @j95! You are not a weirdo at all! Grief is a really difficult thing for anyone to go through and everyone reacts differently, and that is totally ok. You are not crazy at all to be feeling and reacting the way you are. It is very normal to grieve for the loss of a family member, no matter the relationship you had with them. Even though there were issues between you and your dad, he was still your dad and it can still really hurt losing him and it is totally ok to be sad for the loss. I cannot say for sure the specific reasons behind why you are feeling exactly way you are, but I know for some people, when they lose a family member like a parent with whom they weren't on the best of terms and had been hurt by, their death can be really hard to deal with for reasons such as they may wish things had been different or they could have had more time with the person alive for things to change and the relationship to be mended, and as I said above, he was still your dad and it is totally ok and normal to be sad your dad has died, even if you feel like he hurt you or messed up your life or you don't feel like you love him, it is a very normal reaction that many people in the situation of a broken relationship and the death of parent still grieve their death. Also, grief can take a long time to process and to work through, and this is again very normal. You said in your first message you wonder why you are still feeling like this after all this time. I don't know how long it's been since the death of your dad, but don't think you are crazy or feel bad if it takes a little while for the grief to pass. Writing a letter can be a really helpful thing to help process your emotions and it's actually something I've heard of other people doing in this and all sorts of situations, so don't feel like you're alone in doing this or weird for doing it. 

 

It's great that you've opened up here about what you're going through and how you're feeling. If you feel like you need people to talk to about this, keeping posting and chatting to the awesome supportive people here at the RO forums, and remember there's always resources like Kids Helpline, Headspace etc. or a local counsellor who you can call/message/contact and have a chat with. 

 

Just to reiterate, you are not crazy and you are not a weirdo. Grief is a very normal reaction to death and the way you are feeling and responding to it is completely normal and completely ok! Smiley Happy 

 

P.S. Great advice @Sap0 . I hope all of this helps you  @j95 ! Smiley Happy 

Re: why should I miss you

totally understandable, I do maybe have another reason why you may miss him, but I hate assuming things, you could try to write another letter about how you feel then rip it up and set it alight in an attempt to cut any ties that you are holding. It took me ages to forgive my dad for what happened to me but to keep me sane I had to do it, but I also understand why your unable to as well. it could also be because of the opposite what I wrote before and perhaps you feel that now your unable to truly let him know how much he has hurt you. 

nobody's writing is rubbish because you wrote it for a reason, and if someone reads it and thinks that your crazy well obviously they havent suffered like you in their life because people who have would understand.

I hope I didnt upset you.

Re: why should I miss you

thank you

Re: why should I miss you

No you didn't upset me @Sap0 thank you heaps for everything
//You can stay afraid, or slit the throat of fear and be brave//