Difficulty finding genuine connections
Ever since I moved to Australia when I was a kid (knowing no English at first) , I had difficulty proper making friends - I am always friendly to everyone I meet and genuinely care about them and I feel like they are my friends however as time passes on , I soon find that they don’t think of me as their friend and cares nothing about me.
I really want to make friends that will also put the same effort as I do and are genuine but no one ever does and they only show it on the outside and in the inside they don’t like me at all , and basically just ‘being nice’ and putting on an act.
Same thing with relationships, whenever I meet a nice girl, I put the effort to work the relationship and eventually have her as my girlfriend as the relationship naturally develops but it all ends with them having little to no feelings for me at all and was just using me emotionally.
I don’t know what to do…. Like do I have a problem?
Comments
Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like this has really been weighing on you and affecting your self-confidence. I can really relate to you and have been struggling to make long-lasting friendships for years. I always thought that there must be something wrong with me. But what I've learned over time is that it most likely is not your fault! Unfortunately, I think making meaningful friendships in this day and age is becoming harder and harder just because of how occupied we are with social media and I think people are becoming more and more withdrawn. Collectively, we've stopped putting as much effort into others so it's actually lovely to hear that you are making an effort with others and attempting to find genuine and trusting friendships.
The other replies on this post have given some really great advice already, but I wanted to say that I think it's a lot easier to make friends when you're in an environment where others are also looking for that kind of connection. For example, I always had issues making friends at university or work because it seemed like everyone there was already too busy and had their own friends. But when I went on an international exchange, I made friends immediately with like-minded and awesome people (because we were all there alone and wanting to make friends). These environments can be hard to come by and don't get me wrong, they are challenging to find but sometimes it helps to just see what's out there. For example, is there a sport or a skill you want to learn or hobbies you have? There might be some clubs or community events you can join to meet new people. You'd be surprised how many free or low-cost activities are out there and chances are, people doing them are looking for friends too! There's a concept I came across recently called "third places". These are social surroundings that are not our home or workplace such as community centres, parks, and cafes. In today's society, not many people visit third places which means our social connections are limited, but these are the kinds of places where we can meet like-minded people who are open to social connection.
Hi @Shukanae9967!
Firstly I admire your courage to share this with us. This is something I very much relate to, so am sorry you are finding it challenging to find meaningful connections with people.
Developing long-lasting friendships can be a challenge for a lot of people. I personally did not make a friendship like this until I started University where there were people who shared similar interests with me. Transitions can make this even more difficult such as moving to a new country that might be unfamiliar to you.
Can I ask what has helped you in the past to develop relationships?
I feel the most genuine connections (from my experience) develop after challenging transitions (changing schools etc.) have passed, so I promise you it will happen in time.
You’ve got this!!! 🫶🏻
Hi @Shukanae9967,
Welcome to the online community and thank you for your courage in opening up about what's been going on for you. It sounds like you're going through a tough time with friendships and romantic relationships. I can see that the relationships you had were clearly invaluable to you. Naturally, it can be very upsetting to not have your efforts reciprocated and to feel like you were being used by others. I just want to reiterate that it's never okay for someone to use you emotionally. Healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty.
I'm wondering if you've had a chance to talk to someone who you trust about how you've been feeling? Or if there is anyone you're feeling connected to right now?
You've also mentioned that you feel like that on the inside, people don't like you. Has someone said something to you in the past that has led you to feel this way?
We also have some articles on the qualities of a good friend and coping with changing friendships that may be helpful.
You're not alone and we're here for you!
Thanks for the reply.
Yes, I have had a chance to talk to my parents about it and we went over on how I can improve or if there is anything I could work on and it did lift a little bit of weight of my shoulders and understood why and what has happened, but it still feels a little disappointing; you know? Thinking someone is a friend but then suddenly their actions or how they behave around you now is way different than before.
Also I guess I could say I feel connected with two people from work as they keep in touch with me and invite me out to things and try new things like food and stuff, although apart of me is always afraid that at some point the friendship will dissipate every time I get close to someone.
As for how I feel, it's not necessarily what they have said but their actions showed how they really think of me like there has quite few times where I thought this few people I considered friends but whenever there was a hangout or outing, I would always be excluded from it.
Hello @Shukanae9967 , thank you for sharing your experience with making friends in Australia. I spent most of my teen years struggling to make friends. I found that although I was a nice person, I lacked the confidence to make deeper connections as I was afraid of their rejection.
Making friends can take time and it can take a while to be integrated into a group. In what contexts have you been making friends? work, uni etc.
