Issue With A Friend
Hi, so I'm going to give a lot of background information on something happening in my life, and I hope someone can help me navigate this situation in my life because I really need help.
So basically, I was facing a lot of alienation at college, everyone was rejecting me from hanging out with them and I didn't know why. It became more and more apparent over time that it was not a coincidence, and they actually are all talking about me behind my back. Don't worry, I'm not looking for advice on any of that, I've accepted there's nothing I can do to change their minds about me.
Once I vented to my friend to rant about it, he's friends with some of the people at my college and he instantly took their side, the first time we talked about it was in a conversation where I was venting about issues in my life, and for everything else I was talking about up until that point, he was reassuring and comforting. It was only when I brought up my alienation at college that his tone changed and he basically blamed me for it, saying that I'm "harsh" and "blunt" and basically tried nicely telling me that it's my fault, he did try and word it in a nice way at the time though, but I was in a very vulnerable state at this time, I was crying, I reached out to him because I wanted a friend who would comfort me, not blame me for my issues, and I wasn't prepared to hear it being blamed on me, so I tried arguing why I don't believe it's my fault. He sent a message saying that he thinks I'm a nice person and I deserve friends, but he can't "be there for someone who isn't there for themself' and said he can't talk to me about it if I keep shutting down things he's saying.
About a week after that, at college I faced more rejection from my peers that made it as evident as it could possibly be that they don't like me. I had tried to deny it up until this point and chalk it up to a coincidence, but this time I knew for sure, and even though he kept saying I'm "blunt" and come off as rude, I genuinely can't tell why they're doing this to me, they've never communicated it to me. I'm autistic and I struggle with social cues, I'm not a mind reader and I think they way they're treating me is unfair.
I was crying once again and begged to talk about it with him, but this time he was a lot harsher, and he said that he doesn't want to because last time I said "it's everyone else's fault" (not what I said at all), but I still begged to talk about it with him. Even though I kept repeatedly saying this was drastically affecting my mental health, he showed no compassion towards me and was very harsh, straight up telling me it's my fault, that I can't take accountability and that I had rejected his advice for a year. He's talking about stuff that happened over a year ago, and the thing is that my peers had already punished me for the things I did at that time, back then. Then they went back to treating me like normal for a while, it's only very recently they've done a complete 180 again and started treating me this way again, with no explanation for it, and it's unfair he instantly went to bringing up stuff that happened a year ago that I had already been punished for (which wasn't even communicated to me either at the time), but for how they're treating me now I have genuinely no idea why they're doing it and if it is still because of that, that's simply unfair.
I kept groveling and apologising for everything, taking 100% of the blame and admitting I'm a bad person all for him just because I was so scared of him leaving and me having no one. He replied to my apologising saying "It's fine, just don't complain about having no friends at college"
I let this slide and went back to interacting with him normally after this, since even in that conversation he kept saying that he doesn't personally have a problem with me and things are fine between us.
However I did try sending him some vent art (art that I make to cope with my feelings) which featured my feelings of hurt. Since I made them so recently after our argument, he ignored it, and when I asked why, he said that "I make them right after things that happen between us and they come off as ignorant of points made", obviously interpreting it to be about our argument, which to be fair, it kind of was. Because I feel extremely hurt by the way he treated me and the fact he didn't even bother listening to my side of the story at all, he just made assumptions and didn't even listen.
I replied to him saying that I make my vent art when my emotions are heightened so of course they're going to be exaggerated, they're coming from an emotional rather than logical point of view, and that the art is about multiple events in my life, not just one thing. He didn't reply though.
Our most recent interaction was that I sent him more vent art, I purposely tried to avoid making this one about him at all and instead I tried to make it about my struggles with myself, questioning why I'm not able to defend myself. He completely ignored this one again, and when I followed it up asking if he's comfortable seeing vent art, and telling him he can just tell me if he doesn't want to see them anymore, he ignored that too.
I feel extremely hurt by what happened and it's only after talking about it with friends that I realise I am not the one in the wrong. What he did was cruel. I was in a vulnerable state, and what kind of friend doesn't have my back when I am repeatedly telling him I'm suffering, and he doesn't care? The issue is, I didn't stand up for myself at the time, and now it's too late to bring it up without causing conflict.
About 2 days ago he replied to my story, and I left him on seen because I don't think I should talk to him right now. Usually I would talk to him on a near daily basis but I haven't for multiple days because my therapist told me to not talk to people while I'm hurt by them, but the issue is I'm not sure if this hurt will ever go away by myself, I feel I need it to be communicated, but communcating could just create conflict which would hurt me more. Especially now that I;ve left it so late, and especially after I've given him the silent treatment with no explanation.
I usually go to therapy every week, but due to the Easter long weekend I didn't last week, which has significantly impacted things a lot because I would have liked advice from her on how to navigate this situation. It'll be 4 days until my next therapy appointment, and I don't want to talk to him again until I can at least get advice from her. But at the same time it's not healthy to ghost him, so if he talks to me again before I can go to therapy and get advice on what to do, I want to tell him something like "I don't feel comfortable talking to you right now, I feel hurt so I don't want to talk to you until I can get advice from my therapist on what to do about it" to explain my absence. But I'll only do that if he actually tries to talk to me again. I'm really scared that he's going to get mad over it and leave me. But this has hurt me so much, and in any healthy friendship I should be able to communicate about things that hurt me. He did not even listen to my side of the story. I don't know what to do.
Comments
Hey @Keen1221 welcome back to the community! Thanks for reaching out for support and for sharing what's been going on for you. It sounds like you have a history of experiencing rejection and alienation from your peers and that this has come up for you again. Rejection can be really painful, especially when we have bad memories of this happening from when we were younger. Add autism to the mix, and this can become even more challenging. It seems like this is something you have been encountering for a long time and I would like to highlight that you have shown so much strength and resilience.
When you talked to your friend about this rejection you've experienced, it sounds like he didn't react in the way you would have hoped and this has led to ongoing conflict. I saw in your posts from last year that you were having struggles with a friend as well, can I ask if this is the same friend?
I can hear that you've been taking a lot of really positive steps to look after your wellbeing -- seeing a therapist, using art to express your emotions, and communicating openly with your friend where possible. It sounds like taking a step back from interacting with your friend has been helpful while you wait for advice from your therapist.
I can hear that your friend has set some boundaries with you around talking about the alienation you experience at college. Even though it sounds like the way he expressed this felt really hurtful and like he didn't understand you, it's important to respect these boundaries. This does not mean that you do not deserve to feel supported around the ongoing rejection but that your friend has expressed that they don't have capacity or a desire to engage in this topic. This might be something the two of you can explore/ discuss in the future, but I think your instincts to wait until you're feeling less hurt are reasonable.
I'm wondering if in the meantime you feel comfortable seeking support about how you've been feeling elsewhere so that you are not left sitting with this by yourself? Do you have any other friends or family you can talk to? I know you said you've got an appointment with your therapist in 4 days, do you find their support helpful?
You are so welcome on the community and if you're comfortable, you are also welcome to share your "vent" art with us as well (so long as it is within Our Guidelines). I think a lot of what you have shared will resonate with a lot of readers and help them feel less alone as well.
Hi, thanks for the reply
Yes, it's the same friend. He did try and cut me off last year but we did end up making up after that, and for a while I had felt like we were becoming much closer than we were at the time he cut me off, and that he would be unlikely to cut me off like that again. Pretty recently, probably a week or two before I vented to him about this the first time, I had vented about a friend who left me and opened up about my fear of abandonment, to which he said "Don't worry, I don't have any plans on leaving any time soon" which comforts me that maybe if I did communicate about how he hurt me, he wouldn't be so quick to leave me, but I just don't know anymore. Even earlier in the exact same conversation where he told me it's my fault (but in a nicer way), he was reassuring me earlier in the conversation that he likes me and thinks I'm a good friend. He also kept replying to all my groveling and apologising by saying "I don't have an issue with you, it's fine between us" which is strange to me because he was saying that while simultaenously saying I deserve to be isolated and cut off by everyone at college, which sounds like he does have some built up resentment for me that he's only showing in opportunistic ways like telling me I deserve my issues, when I'm vulnerable.
What I'm most mad about is the fact I failed to stand up for myself. If he didn't think he was in the wrong then, after I told him he's right and I deserve everything, he's definitely not going to listen to me now. I should have stood up for myself at the time. It's too late now, I'll be seen as vitriolic if I bring it up now but it's eating away at me. I think he's caught on to the fact I'm ignoring him as he's made no effort to interact with me for multiple days. I think it's unfair that he told me not to talk about this topic anymore before I could even defend myself. I've let so much slide with this guy but this is something that's drastically affecting my life right now, it's single-handedly what's ruining my mental health the most right now. I'm disappointed that my "friend" doesn't even have my back through my lowest points.
I'm also scared that once I follow advice from my therapist he'll either leave me or react badly and then I'll be desperately waiting again for a full week for my next appointment, I'm so hurt right now that I don't feel I can make any rational decisions right now, I just want my therapist to completely puppeteer everything I do, I need her to tell me exactly what to do and exactly what I'm meant to do depending on various ways he responds.
And yes I do have other people to talk about this with, almost everyone I talk to about it tells me he's toxic and I should leave him, but I would like responses with more nuance than that, because they don't understand him like I do, other than this one incident, he's actually the best friend I have, as sad as that is. This is the one issue I have with him, but it's hurting me so much. I have absolutely no social network to fall back on irl other than him, so if I lose him I'll be completely alone, which is not something I can mentally tolerate right now in the state I'm in. Talking about it with others still leaves me feeling empty because I desperately want HIM to acknowledge my hurt. But I don't want to risk losing him.
I don't think I should share my vent art here for many reasons, because 1. it could reveal my identity if people recognise it, and 2. a lot of it is dark and features blood and violence which I don't think would be allowed.
Hey @Keen1221 ,
Thank you for responding and sharing more about the history of your friendship. It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time. I can hear that you opened up and became vulnerable about your fear of abandonment, but his response was hurtful and dismissive. However, It was really brave of you to open up and be vulnerable! I am interested to know what you have been doing to cope with all of this?
Friendships can be challenging and sometimes heartbreaking. I can see that you’re scared of losing a friendship you really value, which is totally valid and understandable. I can also hear that your mental health is being affected, you’re hurt and disappointed because of what’s been happening. There is an article that lists 4 steps for coping with changing friendships that might have some helpful tips to help you cope.
I also want to acknowledge how amazing you are for being so resilient and self-aware. This can be tough for some young people so you should be proud of yourself! I encourage you to explore Headspace for additional support and resources.
Although it would be super cool to see your vent art, I appreciate your awareness that it may not be appropriate for the forums or align with guidelines, and may reveal your identity.
No, you've misunderstood. When I opened up about my fear of abandonment he was reassuring at that time and said he has no plans to leave me, but that was before this conflict so I still have a fear he will leave me if I open up about it.
