Possessive/Controlling Relationship

Hi, thanks so much for the response!

The main thing holding me back from ending it is the fear of losing my best friend, not knowing how he'd react/the emotional affect it would have on him. 

I have made a pros and cons list but it's hard to determine the weight of each point. Eg. Does my love for him outweigh the stress he causes me? 

Sometimes I feel as though I'm in a romantic relationship with a parent rather than a boyfriend haha. 

Just not sure if he'll ever change because it seems that the controlling mannerisms are embedded in his personality. 

Looking forward to hearing from others 🙂

Hi there @CheshireCat 

I wanted to chime in here to acknowledge your bravery in opening up about your relationship. When you have felt controlled for such a long time, it can be tough to speak up about it, but it's such an important thing to do when something doesn't feel right. 

It sounds like you have a good awareness of the possessive/controlling behaviours playing out between you and your partner. It's also good to hear that you open up to your friends and family about things. Can I ask, do you live with your family or friends? 

I also wanted to validate the concerns you have. It's completely understandable that you take issue with the behaviours listed - you deserve to feel trusted, spend time with all your friends and have your own life outside of the relationship. We all deserve that, and it can reaaallly hurt when a relationship takes this path. 

In saying that, even in controlling relationships, it's still hard to think of a life without them. You've spent two years together, and it still sucks to think of losing your best friend. On the other hand, it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into how sustainable this is for you. You asked a great question, "Does my love for him outweigh the stress he causes me?" what comes up for you when you ask yourself that question? 

I want to share a few resources that might help support you with this situation: 

We have some articles on relationships, and I thought this one and this one might be helpful to read. 

1800-RESPECT is a great service - they also have a bunch of content on healthy relationships. You can also call them on 1800 737 732 to speak to a counsellor who can give you more support and information. 

We also want you to know that we are here to listen to you and support you 😊

Hello Bre, thanks a lot for your reply. 

Really appreciate the feedback. 

I suppose I didn't fully realise the extent of the negative behaviours until I talked to my mum about it - who was incredibly supportive and understanding as she's had experience in these kinds of relationships. 

Yes I still live with my parents, but my boyfriend lives on his own. Another possible issue is our age difference. Although I don't consider this a deciding factor in choosing a partner, we are at very different stages in life, so it's difficult to satisfy each other's desires sometimes (eg. He'd love me to move in with him but I'm not financially independent enough to do so). 

As for the question I mentioned, I honestly couldn't answer it, which is what makes this so confusing haha. 

Thank you for linking the articles. I had a read through them and they were very helpful. One of them reminded me of another problem we've had in the past; he'd insist on coming with me on outings with my friends. I allowed him to a few times but realised it wasn't appropriate as my friends weren't comfortable (and neither was I). On one occasion, he turned up unannounced to an event I was at with friends which created an incredibly awkward situation haha. - I eventually convinced him to go back home as nicely as I could. 

I'll discuss my feelings with him again and see if we can make some changes. 

Thanks so much 🙂

Hi @CheshireCat I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much right now. It is so lovely to hear that you have the support of your mum, it sounds like it was a really eye opening and encourgaging conversation. I can see that you've been asking yourself some really tough questions. Having been in a similar situation, I can understand just how confusing and hard a situation like this is. In my situation, my biggest fear was that I didn't want to hurt the person, even though I knew I wasn't happy in the relationship. Leaving someone really is a hard and very personal choice, but it's not one that you need to make alone. Just remember that we are all here for you 💜

Hi Courtney, 

Yes I'm really grateful to have my mum supporting me. 

Thank you for understanding. I'm so fortunate to have found this community. 

Hi @CheshireCat 😊

I've just had a read through your post and wanted to firstly, thank you for sharing this with us. And secondly just really back up those thoughts you're having about your partner's behaviour not being ok. I think sometimes when you're in an abusive relationship, it's so difficult to work through that confusion of loving someone but also acknowledging that what they are doing is really dangerous and harmful. Genuine well done for being able to realise your worth and speak up.

I'm wondering how you felt when he turned up at that event you were at with friends? It is worrying when partners invade that really important time you have with friends, especially when they do so unannounced. 

You mentioned that you were going to have a chat with him about how you're feeling, did you manage to do this? I know it can be a daunting thing to do. Is there anything that would make you feel more safe or comfortable about having this chat with him?

Hello @Iona-RO , thanks so much for your response. 

Thank you for acknowledging that. It took a lot of bravery to finally 'expose' the negatives of the relationship to not just myself but my family as well. 

The event was an art exhibition which my grandmother's work featured in. I was there with a few family members, and invited my friends (we were going out afterwards). He messaged to say he was on his way (to my surprise) so I was 'forced' in a sense to give him the exact location. 

Like I said, it was incredibly awkward. I had to leave my friends to show him the artwork (in an effort to be polite), and then talk to him privately to explain I had organised a night with my friends only. 

That experience forced me to reflect on the dynamics of our relationship. It made me question how much he trusts me and whether he respects boundaries between him and my friends/family. 

I discussed it with him later, and he improved for a while, but over the past few months things have returned to how they were previously. 

I must have my location shared with him (from my phone) at all times. He explained that it was important because if something bad happened, he'd be able to find me - it was a safety measure. 

(My father has made me share my location with him in the past for this exact reason so I trusted my boyfriend when he said this). 

However, it became apparent that this need to know where I am stemmed from a lack of trust. And although I've insisted to tell him where I'm going, somehow me wanting to stop sharing my location reinforces his trust issues (I must be hiding something). 

For a while he went to therapy (after my failed attempt to break up with him) in an effort to prove he can change. But again, I'm slowly being controlled more and more. 

Other than everything listed, I still love him. We are so close and I'd hate to lose him. If i were to take my own (and everybody else's) advice, I'd end it. I just don't know how.

I haven't yet had a discussion with him - Not sure how to bring these issues up for the third(?) time now without appearing guilty of something. 

I'd really appreciate some tips/suggestions on setting boundaries (firmly). 

Thank you so much 

Hey @CheshireCat , I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through lately. It sounds like things have been quite difficult for you. The situation you described does sound really awkward, so it sucks that you were put in that position. Sounds like you are very insightful about the dynamics of the relationship.

In regards to setting some firm boundaries with your partner, I think it would be important to firstly know what the boundaries are that you want to set and to be firm on these with yourself too. It would be best to have a discussion with your partner where you can also firmly communicate these boundaries and make it clear that these are important to you and for your relationship. I would also recommend using "I" statements in this conversation when possible as people can sometimes get defensive when they think they have done something wrong or think they are being blamed. I statements can help you avoid this situation by reducing feelings of blame. An example of an I statement might be "I feel worried when you forget to text me". 😀 It is also best that you place some consequences on the set boundaries to make it clear why these boundaries are important and to make the boundaries as effective as possible. I hope this helps!

Hi @Sophia-RO , thanks for the reply. 

Those are some great tips, I'll definitely be using them. Thank you. 

I think the main point I want to achieve is the same level of respect I give him. 

Some boundaries I'd like to set are:

- Being able to wear what I want (I'm a fashion student so you can imagine how repressive it is to try to adhere to my partner's 'rules' haha)

- Being able to go out with friends without first having to alert him

- Being active on social media without having to give him attention

- Catching up with male friends without being met with verbal abuse/accusations 

- Having some level of privacy in terms of my location and what I'm doing each day

Apologies for all my long replies haha. I've realised writing it all down solidifies the concerns as actual problems, rather than a bad feeling in my gut. 

It's clear that his behaviours are stemming from a lack of self esteem despite my efforts to reassure him. 

Thanks so much for the advice 

Hey @CheshireCat it's great to hear that some of the tips were helpful 😀. I think it is fair enough that you want to achieve the same level of respect that you give him. I hope that you find that setting those boundaries will be helpful in achieving that. I think you have been specific with the boundaries which is great and should help you out when you have the discussion with your partner. It can be tricky to manage his behaviours if they are stemming from a lack of self-esteem as it sounds like something that he will need to personally adress and manage moving forward. I hope that you find that his behaviour changes and you feel more comfortable once you are able to set these boundaries. Please feel free to keep us updated here on the forums if you'd like ❤️.