Want to move on but also don't
So, recently I got told not to talk privately to one of my friends because of the age and sex difference. Like we can still talk to each other but not message or talk privately anymore. And we use to message each other almost every day and ask each other how we were going. I got heaps of support and felt seen. But then I got told we couldn't keep the relationship as it was. We were just friends but my parents and a few other people were a bit worried about what could happen. And I'm 18 so I should be able to choose for myself, but anyway...
And I keep missing those conversations. But I also don't want to keep missing that for the rest of my life. I think I just don't want to have to say goodbye. And I want to move on but at the same time, I don't want to forget because of how good it felt to have someone see me like that. And moving on means forgetting, I think.
So I don't know what to do. Do I move on which will hurt when I do it? Or do I keep letting myself bring up these memories and hoping we will go back to what it was like before? Either will hurt but I don't know.
I guess I'm scared of forgetting because I never want to forget those memories. And I want to feel that again. I want to keep bringing memories but it hurts too. I don't know what I want anymore. I wish we could choose for ourselves.
Comments
Hi @Lemon_Dolphin 
Thank you for sharing, it sounds like a difficult situation for you and I empathise with you.
It's not a nice feeling to have to let someone go and move on, it can be extremely difficult so I understand how you feel. There have been many times in my life where I have had to let someone close to me go and in the end, it turned out to be not as bad as I thought because you can always meet new people in life. May I ask, do you have other people you can talk to about things that you feel comfortable with?
You say you're scared of forgetting, you don't necessarily have to forget, you can keep the memories and always look back on photos to relive the memory, however, if you plan to move on I understand that it would be difficult to do that. Sometimes moving on may be for the better though, and as Ioona mentioned, time heals all wounds, so these feelings that you feel are just temporary they won't last forever.
Not sure if this advice is helpful but just wanted to share my input 🙂
Thanks.
I only really have one other person I can talk to, but I can't really talk about missing my friend, because she also thought it was best and helped put up some boundaries too.
Yeah, I think moving on would definitely be better than not. And I guess I don't have to forget. I hope the feelings are just temporary.
Hey @Lemon_Dolphin 
Because I'm around your age and I certainly have not been in your shoes before, I cannot give you an absolute answer or any advice that might be helpful. However, as a person who has been and is still trying to move on from a past relationship, I thought I could give you some insights into my experience.
As I read through your post, what caught my attention the most was:" And moving on means forgetting; So I don't know what to do. Do I move on which will hurt when I do it? Or do I keep letting myself bring up these memories and hoping we will go back to what it was like before? Either will hurt but I don't know."
I see myself through your words and I feel you a lot. But from my past experience, I don't think moving on means forgetting. And yes, it does hurt. I lived in denial for almost a year while trying to tell myself that I should not think of these memories anymore. But the more I tried, the more intense these memories kept coming back. So long story short, a few months later I started allowing myself to move forward with these feelings still lingering in my heart. And now I'm here, still think of that person and the memories with them once in a while but it stops right there. I still ask myself what else have I should done differently sometimes but gladly it has gotten better. Now instead of beating myself up because I'm unable to "forget", I'm learning to treasure those pieces of memories and hope for the future, though it's still painful sometimes knowing everything is now the past.
So what I want to say is, unless your situation is resolved in any other way, if moving on is the resort that you must choose, I hope you will be gentle to yourself and acknowledge all your emotions as the fact that they are all valid. Even if you need to move on, I think there is no need to forget, especially when those are the beautiful memories you seem to cherish. I hope you're okay.
Thanks, that's really helpful.
I guess it might be a painful journey but one I probably should make. Yeah, I guess moving on doesn't have to mean forgetting. And I think I will always cherish the memories. Perhaps one day, we might be able to, but then again, I don't want to hope it will when it probably won't.
Hi @Lemon_Dolphin 
I'm sorry that your parents and other people are imposing these restrictions on you. I understand that it can feel quite oppressive to not be allowed to speak to someone, and your fear of forgetting your memories with this person is valid.
If you're comfortable answering, is your friend significantly older than you? You note that there is an age difference between you and your friend; do you believe that the people in your life are attempting to protect you from something or someone they perceive as threatening? Did this person know you before you turned 18? I don't mean to assume anything malicious, but I think that the answers to these questions could help contextualise why your parents are taking these actions, even though you don't need to tell me the answers. Also, how will your parents enforce this ban? Will they be able to know whether you've privately spoken to this person?
If you decide that you must move on, time is a big healer. Recalling your memories less often will make them less vivid, and if these memories are a source of pain, moving on would likely ease that.
Well wishes
My friend is about 10 years older and I completely understand why my parents thought it was best we didn't. And I don't think they would find out if we did talk privately, but I don't want to get my friend in trouble either. Also I don't want to upset my parents if they did find out. It was definitely for my safety that they told us not to talk privately and maybe even my friend's as well.
It also feels like I'm kind of betraying my friend by moving on, because neither of us chose it. And I don't know why.
Be assured that you aren't betraying your friend. At some stage, you may have wanted to stay friends with this person forever, but that permanence isn't a binding contract you sign for any friendship. It's normal for external circumstances to interfere with friendships, and unfortunately (or fortunately depending on the friendship), most friendships don't last for your whole life.
If anything, the fact that you didn't choose this outcome should mean that you aren't betraying your friend. You aren't intentionally harming your friend, and intention is a pretty important component of betrayal. On your friend's side of things, it would be concerning if they were codependent with you, so if they weren't, then ideally they wouldn't feel betrayed by this circumstance either. I don't know your exact situation regarding how independent you might be in a few years, but if you find yourself wanting to talk to your friend then, there likely wouldn't be anything stopping you from reaching out, even if they don't respond in a way you'd like. Otherwise, you can still appreciate the memories for what they were, and acknowledge that maybe they were meant to remain in this time and place.
I really want to move on. But I also want to pick it up again. I keep reading through our old messages, hoping he misses me too. It hurts missing people when they are right there.
And I want to tell him I miss him, but I can't. My mind is conflicting with my heart. Sometimes it hurts so much and other times it doesn't.
It's like there's a hole only he can fill. And now there's just an empty hole in my heart that nothing else fills.
And I want to pick it up now. I should be allowed to make my own decisions, but because people I respect helped but up the restrictions, I don't want to either.
I don't know what I think. I feel like it's betraying them, but I also know it isn't. And I'm scared about what happens if we start talking again if I move on. And I don't know why.
Anyway, I'll stop ranting now.
You don't need to fill that hole in your heart, but feeding into the hole will make it grow more. For now, maybe you could try not reading your old messages for a bit, and see how you feel. It's okay and normal to have your feelings conflict with your thoughts. Perhaps with some time, you'll develop a greater appreciation of your own thoughts and the thoughts of those around you, and hopefully you find some benefits in trusting those thoughts. It seems like the fear stems from the unknown; not knowing what you'll do without your friend, and not knowing how the future will go. This is a perfectly common fear to have, but you can only ever live in the present, not the future, hence the suggestion of giving yourself time.
