breakup with ex in friend group
hi everyone,
i'm quite new on here so i'm quite unsure as to how this all works.
my ex of 5 months broke up with me almost a month ago and it has been one of the roughest months i have ever had to go through. He treated me pretty poorly in the relationship (nothing abusive), it felt as if he had 1 foot in and one foot out of the door every time we would hang out. this is my first serious relationship so it has been hard to focus anything this past month.
the hardest part is the fact that we are in the same friend group at university, and even though i have quite a different schedule to all of them, running into them at compulsory university events, parties and group hangouts has been hard. No contact has been pretty difficult, and isn't really an option. Everyone in the friend group has been pretty understanding, however in group settings to make it less awkward i have been the one to always have to talk to him first in group situations.
As for healing, I understand that the relationship was not good for either of us, and i understand that there isn't any chance for it to work out if we were to try again. i always find little things setting me off and crying randomly (my favourite spots at uni to hangout at that i brought him to, him changing his profile picture yesterday on facebook). Hobbies i used to like doing i don't feel any joy out of anymore, and no matter how hard i try i feel weird and distant around all of my friends. It probably doesn't help that my closest friend has gotten into a relationship around a week after the breakup and its all she talks about at the moment. i am very happy for her, it just gets a bit much at times.
I feel stressed and anxious all the time nowadays, even as soon as i wake up! i also haven't been able to get any proper sleep since it happened. i cant focus on schoolwork and am falling behind on assignments.
I'm not quite sure what to do because i feel quite isolated, stressed out of my mind and don't know how to get through this.
Comments
Hey there @greyskies
I am sorry to hear about your recent breakup... there is nothing easy about navigating heart break, especially when it is your first time. I had a similar experience to you in experiencing a breakup with someone who was in the same friendship group as me, so I can completely understand the way it makes healing really difficult because you still have some ties. It is difficult in feeling connected with your friends because there is this new, awkward tension.
I hear you are waking up feeling anxious, struggling with sleep and falling behind on assignments. It is much easier said than done, but something that really helped me during my breakup experience was being really gentle with myself and taking the time for self care. If you have the time this week, set aside some time and take a nice long shower, and make yourself a cup of tea. Enjoy some guilt-free time with watching your favourite show, reading your favourite book, treating yourself to your favourite sweet treat or going for a slow afternoon walk. Really take some time to show yourself all the love at the moment, and remind yourself that although things are unsettled and stressful at the moment, you are in control and everything will be okay.
Unfortunately there is no quick fix to heartbreak, the only true healer is going to be time. Allow yourself to feel the feels, take care of yourself and hang in there. Everything will fall back into place and feel safe again soon 🙂
You're doing amazing by reaching out here! All the best.
Hey there @greyskies
First of all, welcome to ReachOut Community!
This is very tough moment you are going through as of currently, especially that you and your former significant other are in the same friendship group and being in the same university.
It is good that you are currently reflecting from your previous experience and slowly healing from the relationship. Although at times you would feel distress and cry, remember that being able to express these emotions will help you in your healing journey.
If you are still feeling stressed and anxious, do know that you are always welcome here and do coummunicate here if you want someone to talk, accompany or someone to rant to.
Hi @greyskies
I can see that you're going through a really tough time at the moment. What you're feeling is a normal part of the grieving process of losing a relationship. It's great that you've acknowledged that the relationship may not have been the best thing for your wellbeing even though it hurts to lose the relationship. There's a lot of strength in realising that.
You mentioned your friend group is understanding of your situation. Do I have that correct? If so, it might be worthwhile thinking about what you need from them most at this time and communicating to them how you feel. I know this can be daunting, but chances are they are wanting to help you get through this.
You also mentioned you've lost interest in hobbies you used to enjoy. Could there be a new hobby that you could try? Some people find that starting a new hobby helps them to refocus their attention and work through their emotions. A new hobby might also help to re-spark some of that lost passion for previous things you enjoyed. I also find that listening to music that relates to how I'm feeling can help me get through powerful emotions.
You don't have to go through this journey alone and please reach out for further support if you need. Try to remember you were a whole person before you got into a relationship, and it will just take some time to put those pieces back together again🙂
hi @Olive1
yes majority of the friend group is pretty understanding, ive spoken to a couple of my friends about it all, and they have given me some suggestions but im not sure what to happen moving forward about the situation. i know to keep these friends i must remain friends with my ex because he has a closer schedule to them as i do (being from a different main major) so i do feel like an outsider sometimes, but most of the time nowadays. we have a uni event tonight that quite stressed about cause i know he is gonna be there.
however theres a friend of mine (male) who has been checking in on me a fair bit because he was in a similar situation at the end of last year. this friend group really hate this dude, especially my ex. i dont particularly understand why, but i dont want to cause any unnecessary drama then what has already happened with the breakup, as i dont think i could handle anymore.
As for hobbies im not sure, i feel quite numb at the moment. i couldnt and enjoy even focus on tv shows until a couple days ago.
It’s okay to feel unsure on how to move forward within your friend group. It can be hard when it feels like you’re an outsider. From what you've told me, it seems that your friends care about you and have tried to support you in ways they can. I think with their support, navigating your way through this situation will become easier with time.
As for your uni event tonight, you might find it helpful to focus on the goal of this event. Are you hoping to network or make new connections, learn something new, or just have a bit of fun? By focusing on the event itself, this will hopefully help you recognize that your ex being there is only one part of the event, and that there is still opportunity to enjoy yourself. As suggested by @Green_Ghost , you might also find it useful to practice some self-care activities today. Self-care can help to alleviate some of those stressful emotions you may be feeling at this time. I find this recent ReachOut discussion particularly helpful when considering what activities might help you best.
You mentioned you have a friend that your other friends don’t get along with that well. Do you know why your friends feel this way about this person? I think it’s great that this friend is supporting you by sharing their experience.
I am also glad to hear that while you may still feel a bit numb, you have started to focus on tv shows over the last couple of days. I think that is great progress and you should be really proud of yourself. It’s all about taking your time and remembering no progress is too small🌱
Hi @greyskies , first of all welcome to this platform. You should be so proud of yourself for being here and trying (to) ReachOut ♥️
It truly is not easy what you've been enduring in the recent month. I can definitely see your efforts in reflecting on your previous relationship, and trying your best on your part by making things not awkward for the both of you. I do hope that letting your thoughts out on here has lifted some weight off your shoulders. However, I encourage you to try to someone from your friend group about it whenever you're ready or if you haven't until now. While it is great that they have conveyed an understanding of the situation, it might be even better if they further support you through this struggle as well. Sometimes, having talks with close friends can be incredibly comforting 🤗
The situation you're in is tough, but you are tougher. It really shows that you're doing the best you can so here is a reminder to be kind to yourself in the process too! Healing is not linear and it takes time so take things at your own pace as this is your healing journey. It's also okay if your hobbies have changed since the breakup - this gives you room to explore more things that has always interested you, do you have anything in mind? Engaging in new things can definitely be a positive mood booster if you want to give it a try. It might give you the opportunity to meet new friends and aid in your own personal growth within this healing journey. There is no pressure in doing so now, but you definitely deserve to treat yourself with a sense of joy and self-fulfilment sometime soon!
As you're apart of our community now, definitely browse about our other threads if you have not already. There are various discussions and topics you can engage with that you may gain comfort in. I hope to hear some of your thoughts again and also hope that this discussion will support you in any way possible. Take care for now🌷
hi @cteeniee, i havent found any thing new that really interests me yet for hobbies, but maybe i should try a couple new things and see what sticks < 3
hey @greyskies ! It's so great to hear back from you, how have things been and how have you been? There is so many hobbies out there for you to try and it's amazing to hear that you want to explore new things!
Hey @greyskies that must be so difficult. I remember having an ex a few years ago that I would always have to run into in a particular class and I hated it so much because I really wanted to go no-contact.
Have you spoken to your friends about how you're feeling about this and what they can do to help you? Maybe they can offer you some support during these interactions and have your back, as they seem to be inevitable run-ins. And maybe arrange some hangouts with some friends where he isn't there to mitigate that isolation, where relationships also won't be a topic of conversation? Have you also considered perhaps reaching out to other support services? Does your university provide a counselling service and/or have someone you can talk to about your anxiety and distress at this time?
Additionally, is there anything you can do to look after yourself and practice some self-care during this time? My favourite self care is watching shows with snacks and doing face masks and listening to music and such. I also like to practice mindfulness and remind myself that this may be a very difficult period in my life at the moment, and therefore I should be kind to myself (as you should, too!) and look after myself. What would self-care look like for you?
You can get through this! I'm rooting for you 🙂
Hi @Green_Ghost,
I have quite a different schedule with them, mainly due to the fact that even though we are in the same course, im majoring in something slightly different. I have spoken to a few of them, however they all say just to try to enjoy myself and whatever happens happens (my ex is extremely awkward and shy). I should try the idea about hangouts without him thee, but im not sure how to go about organising it so if feels like he isnt left out of the group. Im not sure about what services are available but I'll look into it.
As for self care i've binge watching a lot of shows while lighting candles 🙂
Hey @greyskies
With the hangouts where he isn't there, would it be okay if it was only one or two friends instead of the whole group? That way it's not like an official group hangout and he isn't left out and you're getting the time with friends. Whoever is available at the time?
That's excellent! I'm glad you've been doing an activity you like 🙂
