i need help
so my bf has DID and I'm currently dating 1 of their alters. While this doesn't bother me, they've recently told me about someone else that's dating 3 of his other alters. I wouldn't really mind this, but what's getting on my nerves is that the alter I'm dating is interacting & flirting with the other person a lot more than with me. (For privacy reasons, we'll call this person Sam.) So Sam has said that they wanted to try a poly relationship, I'm not usually comfortable with non-monogamous relationships, but I wanted to try out something new so I said yes. This was about 2 days ago, so what happened was:
I said yes, then it went fine until Sam said:
"Oki Cherie um so i know like we're poly and stuff but like i need you to know i don't like you romantically like at all i don't want to be harsh but like *Person/Alter I'm dating* is the only person i actually have the capability of loving and wanting to be with ... oki so i'm more or so doing this for *Person/Alter I'm dating* and honestly ur really clingy im sure other people like that but uhhh i'm mainly dating *Person/Alter I'm dating* like and u being all clingy which like idk maybe i'm reading into this too much but i feel like ur doing it on purpose cause normally ur clinging to him anywho ... I wanna just be friends with you, because just how i have known *Person/Alter I'm dating* for a long time i wanna get to know u like uhhh i'm sorry i feel like i'm being unnecessarily mean when thats not what i want to do u r sweet like very and maybe i'm just being paranoid but idk i don't know how well a poly would work out ... cause like i don't know u i would love to get to know what ur like but i don't wanna feel like im just being used to make someone else jealous."
I haven't responded to them, but I feel like if they wanted a poly relationship, they should've communicated they were demisexual in the first place. Because now the person/alter I'm dating is spending more time with them and has since been very distant and dry with me.
What do I do?
Comments
Hi cherie,
Thank you for sharing about your experiences, it's great to have you here!
This sounds like a unique experience, one that is weighing quite heavily on you- which is understandable. Despite your bf's experience with DID, the feeling of sharing your partner's time and attention with other people when it's not something you usually align with must be tough! I can hear how much you truly care for your partner, I imagine some of the things said in their message were quite hurtful for you.
I understand your frustration about lack of communication around preferred relationship style/preferences.
No matter the context of who you're dating and what your relationship preferences are, you deserve trust, respect, and happiness in your relationship. Non-monogamous relationships especially are really built on honesty, open communication, and trust. I know this is more complex for you in terms of your partner's experience with DID, but it still rings valid and true- you deserve to feel respect, trust and happiness in your close relationships.
Here's some resources around healthy relationships:
https://1800respect.org.au/healthy-relationships
Here's some resources around DID:
https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/facts-and-guides/dissociative-identity-disorder
Some resources on ethical non-monogamy: https://www.attachmentproject.com/enm/
I'd also recommend checking out PeerChat and talking to a Peer Worker. Whilst they can't give you direct advice, it's a good place to talk things through and bounce around thoughts and ideas.
Have you spoken at all to your bf about how everything's been making you feel and what was said? Have you spoken to any of your supports about this?
Thanks again for sharing cherie, I hope you find some clarity around what to do. Remember you deserve to feel valued and respected in a relationship.
-Riley 😊
Thank you so much Riley for your help!
Yeah, I have spoken to him about it. I'll just show what he said during our conversation about Sam not wanting to be poly anymore.
"please dont leave me, idc who you show this to,, please, im sorry for this, i got into a ep and couldn’t think straight. Sam is my emotional support. please, can we talk? pls"
Which didn't really make me feel better if I'm being honest😅. After I explained to him that Sam said what they said, they got defensive.
"u both arent getting it. me and Sam suffer with bpd etc, first Sam is demisexual, he cant get in a relationship when he isnt close to someone also we're each others emotional support because we know each other symptoms, Sam wasnt trying to be rude, his he nicest person youll ever meet, he was overwhelmed and just let whatever came to his mind by poly relationship i dont think its a good idea. idk what to do. i need comments,"
I didn't really know how to respond because at this point I was really hurt so I just said, "idk i think its harder because i don't understand what u guys are going through and i feel really bad, i'm sorry"
Since then it's been a bit awkward around them, I'm not sure if they still want to be in a relationship with me.
I'm fine with breaking up with them at this point, I just want to know if they still like me or not.
Hey @cherie,
I just wanted to chime in here and acknowledge how challenging this must all be for you. You've done an amazing job trying to navigate your relationship and supporting him. You should be so proud of yourself! It sounds like breaking up was taken well on both ends, which is always good. I encourage you to do some self-care and take care of yourself during this time as break ups are never easy. I hope you're doing okay!
