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A post Ben-RO moved to talk about - Trigger warning - references to disordered eating.

@Ben-RO yeh.
Please delete anything if it's against guidelines.


I hate being so fat. I should be losing weight but no, I keep binging and actually gaining weight. Why can't I just have control. Anorexia was so much easier, I'd rather be that sick again then this stupid bulimia.
And my stupid mood and emotions, why do I have to be so unstable. I swing so much that I just can't deal with it. I'm terrified of emotions because of my past but now I'm stuck with feeling everything too much. I guess that's why I self harm so much. I hate that I rely on it, that it's made me so sick but I don't want to stop. Yeh I haven't been to hospital for it for a few weeks but that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to seriously self harm again. It's stupid that the nerve damage and the anemia doesn't make me want to stop. I feel like I deserve to destroy myself.
And another part of my bpd is fear of abandonment, I don't talk to my friends about any of this because I'm terrified they'll find out how crazy I am and run away. Same with professionals. I've been in therapy for over a year and there's still stuff I get scared to tell her about.
And the stupid voices. Seriously. Why are those stupid people in my head. I don't know where they came from or why they are there but I'm sick of feeling their bullshit. My therapist tells me my brain just made them but I don't know if I believe that, like I'm haunted by these things why would I think them up. The voices feel so real.

I just don't want to be like this anymore, why isn't recovery easy.

===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: A post Ben-RO moved to talk about - Trigger warning - references to disordered eating.

Hey @redhead i moved this post because I think it deserves it's own thread. I also won't edit it, but just put a trigger warning up on the title, just in case.

 

I can feel the frustration and think it's fair enough.

 

I don't want to go solving all the things if you're currently just needing to let some of the frustration out. So feel free to not answer these Q's if you don't feel like you're in the right place to right now.

 

Tell me more about control. Are eating and self harms ways of controling some of the feelings, thoughts, emotions, voices or other symptoms?

 

Have you ever tried DBT or other therapies for BPD?  What's helped?

Re: A post Ben-RO moved to talk about - Trigger warning - references to disordered eating.

@Ben-RO yeh self harm is definitely about control, and I guess the eating is too (tho it feels out of control right now) I want to control what I do with my body because it feels like I can't control my brain. I feel like I can't cope with things and self harm seems to give me a break from it.

I did dbt for about 6 months and didn't really find it helpful I'm currently doing conversational psychotherapy and I feel like its helping progress is really slow tho.
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: A post Ben-RO moved to talk about - Trigger warning - references to disordered eating.

Hmm, DBT is a tricky one, doesn't work for everybody, and takes some people a few tries, too. I supported a person who had three goes at it and ended up getting something out of it...eventually. Not trying to make you do it, just kind of rambling Smiley Tongue

 

I am glad you are getting something our of Conversational Psychotherapy! What are some of the things that have helped the most? What's helped the least?

 

Do you find it hard to trade one type of control for another type of control?  For e.g alternatives to self-harm?

Re: A post Ben-RO moved to talk about - Trigger warning - references to disordered eating.

Being able to talk to someone about what goes on in my head has helped. Before starting therapy I was very hard to get a word out of. Therapy has helped me talk to all my professionals and friends now. And having someone regular and stable through the chaotic nature of my illness.
What hasn't helped is that it's taken me a long time to trust her and that progress is slow, I just want to get better and not have to deal with the hard stuff. Another thing that hasn't helped is that sometimes therapy brings up too much emotion and I don't deal with it well at the time or immediately after session, but long term i know it's for the best.

And yeh @Ben-RO i find it hard to replace hood strategies for set harm/ed behaviours. I want the instant relief rather than long term gain. It's hard
===========================
Trying to make my misery
just a piece of my history
A little less victim a little more victory
-Icon for Hire

Re: A post Ben-RO moved to talk about - Trigger warning - references to disordered eating.

Feeling okay with telling people about what's happening and learning to ask for help and not feel bad about it are HUGE things for a lot of people @redhead. I have also heard you talk about that in posts, particularly letitng friends know what's up. So i am really happy that this is something your therapist has been able to help you work on!

 

I don't know if this question makes sense... but how convinced of the long term gain do you feel?