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Advice

I'm with my family up at the beach and I love water. Love it. But the surf is too high meaning we will have to swim indoors. And this gives me no reasonable way to hide my scars. I don't care if the world sees, but not my parents. I can't let them see. If they see, the hospital visits, the guilt, the anger, the questions and the tears will start and I can't do that. I've spent to long hiding this from them to let them see. I have no idea how to hide them or avoid the water. If it were outside, I could wear a wetsuit and I'd be fine. But my only reason for wearing shorts indoors is I'm self concious which is true, but I don't think it will work and if I don't want to swim, my mum will probably get really angry or try and guilt trip me. This may sound petty but I'm trying really hard not to cry. Please help me.

Re: Advice

Hi @ma30n I just read your post from yesterday. I'm sorry you didn't get a response sooner. How are you doing now? I'd like to hear how you went about your concerns with swimming indoors. You had very vaild concerns for being stressed and worried. It can be extremely challenging to do something that might upset someone we care about, especially a parent.

Re: Advice

hey. so far we havent gone swiming yet. im hoping that the surf will stay flat enough that we can stay outside and i can wear a wet suit. its just that my mum is scared of SH. i dig my nails into my forearm which she knows about. and whenever i do it, shes more angry and disapointed than concernd for me. so if she sees my thigh she will deffinatly take me to the hospital and ask questions i cant awnswer. im just not sure how i can hide them for ever. im not ashamed of them and i dont care if the world sees. they are the marks of the wars i fought and show that im still here to fight those wars. i jsut dont know how to tell my parents that.

Re: Advice

@ma30n You probably understand very well that your mother's scared of SH because she's worried about you. However, sometimes even people with the best intentions don't always know how to make their concern known in a productive and comforting way. It sounds like her worry for you is not helpful and I can definitely understand why you're hesitant to talk to her at the moment. The thing is, you have a right to disclose this to her when you feel like it's the right time and until then, you have every right to wear shorts indoors for swimming if that's what works. Of course if you do end up swimming outside, then that's great. At some point in the future, it would be a good idea to have a chat with your parents but only and when you are ready.

 

I read in another post that you did stand up to your mum about another topic. That was very brave of you and tells me that you are indeed very capable of standing up for yourself again. What were you thinking and feeling the last time you talked to your mum? I'm interested because you probably had to 'go against fear' for that conversation to happen and am wondering how you helped yourself then?

 

Your psychologist can also help come up with ways of talking about this. 

 

And of course, RO is always here to listen and support!

Re: Advice

Hey @ma30n. Do you think your mum might get something out of reading this from the RO parents site? This way, rather than bombarding you with questions you can't answer she might be able to get some info from another source, which could help her to support you better. It sounds like she already kind of knows about self harm but doesn't really know how to support you. What do you think about starting the conversation, but making sure you're equipped with info to direct her to when it gets overwhelming?

 

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with wearing swim shorts indoors anyway. If having a convo about self harm is too much right now, maybe you could just explain that it's a personal preference to wear the shorts and leave it at that.

 

What do you reckon?

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Re: Advice

I'm not sure I can tell her yet, because at the moment we are trying to work though a funding programs for me and we are doing our best to avoid any tension. We had another argument only today😞. I'm definitely going to use that fact sheet thank you so much! I see nothing wrong with wearing shorts indoors and intend to do so. I believe my self confidence and comfort is more important than my mum's anger or opinion. Whenever I challenge or have to broach a serious subject with my mum, I'm mostly focusing on trying not to show emotions and to not let her stop me from showing my opinion. She's normally pretty good after I manage to communicate but my communication isn't 100%. Also due to a couple issues I struggle to read body language and expressions. I also don't understand when to leave a issue alone and don't stop.
I'm pretty sure that we aren't going to swim this time tho.

Also, my mum is the only thing keeping me clean. The thought of her questioning me is the only reason I haven't relapsed. (I'm about a month clean). This is scary because I don't see a risk in self harm. I'm medially trained and know how to prevent and treat infection. The likelihood of permanent damage is very slim. This is bad because I won't and don't see a reason to stop. Uhhhgggg being me is hard

Re: Advice

@ma30n It sounds like there's a lot going on at the moment and it makes sense why you don't want to talk to your mum right now. I think your strategy for moderating your emotions while discussing an important topic with her and at the same time enforcing emotional boundaries is a good one! The more discussion one has, the better it gets. Like with most things in life, practice will make this easier and better. Ideally, we are able to show our emotions in a way that's productive and gets our point across to the other person. Of course this isn't easy but like I said, it gets better with practice. I'm happy to hear your mum actually does value the discussions you have (after you've made your point to her). This really shows that these discussions are worth having!

 

I'm a bit concerned though about what you said that you don't see a risk in SH (and it sounds like you're worried about it too!!). I do want to acknowledge how amazing it is that you have been safe for a whole month! That's not easy. While it's good that you know how to physically treat this, I encourage you to consider that the impact of SH goes beyond the impact on our bodies. Using SH as a coping mechanism does not get at the underlying triggers for it which are what need to be addressed. There are some fantastic discussion threads on this topic that you can read to get other people's perspective as well. 

 

Please keep taking care of yourself, you deserve it.

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Hey @ma30n how'd everything go this weekend? How are you feeling about it all today?

 

I can hear how tough it is to work through this however i also think you're kicking ass at it mate!

 

It takes time to learn to communicate and it takes time to work through things with people who care a lot about you as they can almost care a little too much sometimes and miss the forrest for the trees (so to speak). I can see how switched on you are about your mums needs though, and the huge skills you have developed so far.  So while it's still unimaginably hard right now and there's a little way to go still; i want to congratulate you on being an awesome, sensitive and caring person and encourage you to take a moment to remind yourself of that!

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im doing okay at best. mums asked recently why i wanted to wear short and i think shes kinda supisios but i just told half the truth. at the moment im sinking but its amazing how many people can be fooled by a smile. thank you for that. sometimes it hard to remember im alowed to be nice to me as well 

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one of the reason i continued SH after i started was taught myself, pain is bad if i do something wrong i cause myself pain. therefore i will associate pain with the wrong thing teaching me to stop.only problem here was i got addiceted to pain. i use the same pricible with my overeating. i hate my fat and food makes me fat, therefore food makes me hate myself teaching me to curb my eating. im not sure if this is SH but i use the same pricable in my thinking. if someone is angry or upsaet with me i respond with anger. i either get angry at them or me. and i have taught myself that if i blame myself and convinece me that it was my fault, i wont react outwardly reducing conflict. it make everything so much easier. i have mentalyt taugth myself so many things, i would say but you guys dont wanna hear me complaim, and i hide behind these and its almost like i dont wanna come out from behind them. if i really let anyone in, they would probaly write me off as a lost cause. i also really want to take medication to make day to day easier but apperntly im *too smart* and can *learn it* which pisses me off. 

i know all of this is flawed but when your as fu*ked up as i am, you pretty much go for anything that can can make any easier to adviod the world