Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.


Been a long time since I've written. 

It's a long story, so I'm just going to cut to now - 

My parents are divorcing. I'm soon to be 24 and my brother is turning 21 tomorrow. I'm emotional, he is really logical. Because we're so different we've approached the divorce differently. 


Things have gone downhill with my family for years. It started when my Mum got sick. She had physical and mental problems which resulted in alcohol abuse. she didn't work and yeah... 

Once she got better, things were too late for my parents, and even though my Dad had done everything she needed, she left him. 

She took the things she wanted and left. 


I'm saying this, cause naturally I blame her. So I have a lot of anger towards her. While she lived with me, I didn't address these issues because I didn't want her to get angry. Now that I don't have to live with her, I've been verbally bashing her to my brother, who understandably has had enough. 

He lives with her - but I don't know why. He says he's happy there, but I can't imagine how - she's got this online boyfriend living with them, and the whole situation there is fucked. I don't understand how my brother would want to live there. 


I also don't understand how he's not angry and upset with her - and because of this confusion I've lashed out at him. We talk and I calm down, but then i feel myself getting angry again and it starts over. 


I hate feeling like this towards my brother. Mum I don't give a shit about, but my brother doesn't deserve this. 

Just now, I was texting him, and I got heated with him. I calmed down and sent him a message about how things would be ok, He didn't reply. So I could feel myself getting angry again, and wanted to send him another message abusing him/my mum/whatever I wrote.


Instead I wrote this. How can I stop myself from getting so angry? 


It started today when I found out that Mum didn't understand why I was angry at her? She put our family through hell!!! 


*I also wanted to add, that I have anxiety. Like, a lot. I've had it since Primary school, and while I'm not medicated I've seen someone about it, to help deal with it. That was a while ago, and I'm mentioning this, because i saw an article about how anxiety can present itself as anger. Is this a thing? or am I off the mark? I've never experienced anger from anxiety though, but could this be it? I don't feel anxious about the divorce though. 


Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

Hey @Hopeless Hermit thanks for sharing this story, it sounds like a super tough time but I want to applaud you for reaching out and seeking support. It sounds like you truly have a fair bit of respect for your brother, and despite sometimes throwing out those angry messages, following up with an apology is a very big thing to do. Jumping on here instead of having a go at him also shows you're self aware and aspire to make things better. Smiley Very Happy


Am I right that you're conflicted because you're pissed with your Mum, not your brother, but maybe some resentment is forming because you can't get why your brother would even hang around her? Do you feel the key thing you need is a way to split the emotions toward your mother early on so they don't start to manifest toward your brother? Or am I off?


@safari93 @DruidChild did you guys have any suggestions for @Hopeless Hermit?


Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

Thank you for your quick reply, @Bree-RO 


I do have a lot of respect for my brother and I love him a lot. I instantly feel guilty when I lash out, and apologise. 


Yes, that's totally correct. Because he's so logical, he realises that what happened happened, and he can't change it. He believes it's no ones fault and it was just what happened. He agrees that it sucks, but he's not angry at Mum like I think he should be. 

I don't want him to be angry with her, but then I do. :/ It's complicated. 

Completely! I'm angry at Mum not my brother, but I get angry at him and his approach to everything - but I know that he's suffering too and doing the best he can. I think because they live together and I rarely see him, I think of her and everything when I talk to him and just get mad. 


I'm just angry at the whole situation and because I haven't talked to my Mum about any of it, it's pent up and i just want her to hurt for it. And I know that's bad of me to think that, but I do and I hate that! I don't like being angry and upset, but I have this weird, Count of Monte Cristo complex or something :/ if that's a thing lol. 




Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

You're self awareness and resilience through the whole thing is outstanding, well done. @Hopeless Hermit I have a similar issue whereby my bro's don't have any issues with my parent, but I don't respect them or see them much. So on a different level I respect the frustration, something that really helped me out was counselling. Have you ever gone down that path?


Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

Hey @Hopeless Hermit, thanks for sharing this story with us on RO, and I think it's very valid to feel so frustrated and angry about the situation. The fact that you try to keep it from your brother is really great and shows how understanding and supportive you are.


I think @Bree-RO's suggestion about counselling could be really useful for you - you already have great insight into the whole situation, but it could be helpful to work through all of those thoughts and feelings with someone else.


Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

Family can be so tough to deal with @Hopeless Hermit Smiley Sad I agree with @Bree-RO that your self awareness is really awesome! It seems like you care a lot about your brother even though he frustrates you sometimes Smiley Happy 


The thing that has helped me the most with dealing with my anger towards family has been counselling. You did mention that you've seen someone before to help cope with anxiety, how would you feel about catching up with them again? 


I also think that anxiety can present in so many different ways, and anger could definitely be one of those ways! For me, when anxiety builds up, or when other people make me anxious, I experience a lot of resentment towards them and I express that as anger sometimes. Maybe you could check out this article as well? 


Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

Thank you so much, guys!


I think going back to counselling is a good idea. I used to go when I was a uni student last year. But haven't been there since I graduated. My counselor said I could go back even after I graduated, but I think they check student cards and I'm not sure how that all works. 


By going through the Uni it's free- otherwise I couldn't afford to see someone. 


Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

@Hopeless Hermit great that you're considering going back! Let us know how it all goes.


Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

@Hopeless Hermit just wanted to check in and see how your week's going. I know some unis have counselling services that are open to the public as well as students - that might be the case with your old uni? I can also definitely relate to getting quite irritable when I'm anxious. @DruidChild I reckon that article is spot on about it being the "fight" part of the fight-or-flight response.

No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: Anger Towards Family. Don't know what to do.

I agree @lokifish, it's not something I've thought about before but it actually makes a lot of sense. 


@Hopeless Hermit I'm really glad you're planning on getting some support. Keep us updated! Smiley Happy Youth health centres and headspace centres should have free, low cost, or bulk billed counselling services if those are an option? Good luck!!