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Re: Anxiety over abandonment - is it unhealthy

@j95 it absolutely makes sense, thanks heaps for sharing. I am super impressed by how you've managed to identify the positives within your losses and challenges.

Re: Anxiety over abandonment - is it unhealthy

I think talking about all this triggered me. It's painful

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Re: Anxiety over abandonment - is it unhealthy

Hi,

 

I wasn't too sure where to write, but here seems like the perfect place. This something I have struggled with and I didn't realise untill only recently. It is a hard and painful issue to get over and it sometimes feels like you won't. However, it is something you can manage. It just takes a lot of time and patience. I have to admit I suffer with this badly when I have a crush on someone and meet new people. I always panic when I text or message them on facebook and I don't get a respone quick enough! I am sure I am not the only one like that! Only recently I watched a video about something that I believe could apply to this. The person said you create your own truth, and if you believe the worst, you will think the worst. I think going what you have gone through it is easy to think the worst, but sometimes that's not the case. Hopefully, this has given you some help and I also apologise if I have triggered you. 

 

Regards,

GentleGiant

Re: Anxiety over abandonment - is it unhealthy

Thank you for starting this thread @loves netball!!

 

Do others have this fear?

 

I know this is a big fear of mine, particularly people not liking me, and I can take the slightest possibility of rejection as proof that I mean nothing to someone. For example, I remember how in Year 12 I got along quite well with my English teacher, but one day he said, "buh bye," in a different tone than he usually would. It was probably because he was in a rush, or it just came out awkwardly or something, but to me it felt like a slap in the face.

 

Do others try to stop people from leaving?

 

Personally, I do the opposite. When I get the sense that someone might be leaving/rejecting me, my first instinct is to leave/reject them first. Also not very healthy. For instance, a friend with whom I'd been planning to spend NYE posted a picture on Instagram of her and some other friends on a holiday in Phillip Island. My brain misconstrued that as her iking them more than me and not wanting to spend time with me, so I cancelled my plans with her before there was any chance of my fears being confirmed (or denied).

 

How can we identify when we are doing this?

 

I find keeping a diary quite helpful, because as I relfect on the day I pick up on any times I might have felt disliked/rejected, and can usually see with a bit more clarity how likely that is to be true. I also find that if I know that kinds of thoughts that crop up around being disliked/rejected, I can notice them when they're around and try to reframe the situation.

e.g. what I'm trying to do now in regards to my NYE situation is remind myself that just like I have other friends I spend time with and still very much value the friend I'd made NYE plans with, it is possible for her to both value me and have other friends.

 

what are some ideas to stop doing this and still have our needs met?

 

If possible, talking to the other person. I know with this NYE friend of mine, in the past I've explained to her how I've felt before it's come to the point of me cancelling, and she's always been understanding and reassuring about it. I've had similar experiences with other friends.

I'll try to think of some other ideas, too.

 

Thank you again for making this thread. The process of answering the questions has been so helpful and thought-provoking! 

// Spiral outward, keep going. //