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Re: Being gay is ruining my life

@Bree-RO Yes, my friend meant that I should see a professional. I don't necessarily feel unsupported, but I don't feel supported either. Even though my friend says he will support whatever I do, it doesn't feel like he's completely there for me... ever since I told him, he's acted like it never happened. It's not that I want him to make a big deal of it, but it seems almost like he just tries to forget I told him and ignore that part of me.

I don't know why I feel the way I do. Right now, I'm deciding on a post secondary institution. It's my dream to go to a really good college, but every step in getting there is overwhelming me. I feel like I need to give just a bit more to make it, but I have nothing left to give. But at the same time, if I don't get there I'll have let myself, my friends, and my family down.

Beside that, I don't want to be gay. All it does is add to an already difficult life. I guess I feel like self harm would be hitting two birds with one stone; I wouldn't have to worry about my sexuality or the disappointment of failure. I don't think about it a ton, but the thought is always in the back of my mind now and I'm worried that anything else in my life could be the straw that breaks the back.

Re: Being gay is ruining my life

Hi @downthelane, thank you for sharing with us how things have been for you. It sounds like there's a lot that's been going on, like coming out to your friend (which is really awesome and a big step!), then how things have been with your friend after coming out, and feeling overwhelmed about life after high school. 

 

So I was wondering about (you don't have to answer these if you don't want to):

  • the kind of support that you'd like to receive from your friend? 
  • your thoughts on his suggestion of seeing a professional for some extra support - or maybe contacting Q life/Kids Helpline?
  • what you meant when you said that 'every step in getting there [to a really good college] is overwhelming me. Is this related to the studying to get into college?

Take care Heart

 

 

Re: Being gay is ruining my life

Hi @downthelane, somehow I've been in a nearly similar situation with you back when I was in college, mine was slightly complicated though. I was a closeted gay guy back then and fell in love so hard for this one guy friend of mine, I got very obsessed with him and I literally was in the brink of madness if not with the help of my best friend. He was the second person I opened up with my sexuality, right after calling the guy late at night to confess my love hahah. I was very devastated that night that I needed someone to know the entire situation i was in and console me from the pain. My best friend was very shocked, the reply I got from him was "I wish you hadn't told me." I was hurt, really, i told him "just deal with it you b*tch!" Hehe we are very vulgar only to each other, he knows that behind that faint smile I show to people is a ferocious beast that will devour anyone who tries to corner me. And I know he's got a nasty personality too when triggered, hehe. It was awkward for a day until he broke the silence and told me frankly that he doesn't care what I think I am because I will always be a guy for him and will keep treating me as a guy. And up until now, he's still my buddy and everything was still the same. He is straight and he is in a relationship with his long time gf. I admit, this guy is handsome, he's actually my type. I tend to stare at him when he sits still and just keep silent. But when he starts to talk, I completely lose all that romantic attraction towards him haha. 

 

I know this is over a year now but I still hope you'll be able to read this. I wish you could share more of your experiences as a gay guy as I have more to share too. I'm in my mid 20' and I'm still experiencing a lot of confusions in life. I'm only open with my very close friends but plan to really get out in the open and find peace and happiness.

Re: Being gay is ruining my life

Hey @wandering, welcome to RO! Smiley Happy

 

Sexuality can definitely be confusing to figure out. It sounds like this is an ongoing issue for you and you're hoping to find some clarity? I think once we get into our 20s there's a lot of pressure to have our shit together, which can just make it that much harder to work through things. It's awesome that you're able to be open with your close friends - do you think talking to them about this would be useful? There's also a couple of stories in our sexuality section that might be helpful. You're definitely not alone Heart

 

I also noticed you're an overseas user. While a lot of mental health struggles are universal, I just wanted to point out that we're an Australian-based site and so the support we can offer may be a bit more limited Smiley Happy

______________________________________________________
No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: Being gay is ruining my life

Thanks @lokifish for welcoming me Smiley Happy I didn't notice that this was an australian site haha, thanks for pointing that out too. Being able to read and share experiences with people like us helps me a lot. I rarely see discussions that I can relate to as most of us find it hard to share these things in public even with an anonymous entity. I'll be sure to check sexuality section to see more threads that may give me more insight in life. Lots of thanks!