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Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

My brother is a horrible person.

I can't cope with his taunts and BS.

No one is helping me at home.

My treating psychiatrist and psychologist don't know how to help me with it.

His words hurt so much. WHY DO THEY HURT? 

Mum says I give him the power, I play into his hand.

It's always because I've done something wrong. But even when I am nice I get BS thrown at me. I hate it. He knows exactly what to say to trigger my anger. He knows exactly what to say to make me cry. I hate the feels. I can't stand them. It hurts. I don't know why it hurts me so much.

I have no relationship with any of my other siblings or extended family. I feel like the odd one out. I feel unloved and issolated.

I stayed up until 3am last night/this morning crying over his taunts. It is breaking me apart. It's tearing me in two. It's hindering my mental health recovery - I can feel certain thoughts coming back which I've worked so very hard with my psychologist to move on from. This is the most concerning I think. Because I don't want to go back there, I want to move FORWARD, I want to be STRONG, but I feel so weak. I feel so fragile.


Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

Hey @Bee, sorry you're feeling so horrible right now. I know I don't need to ask you this (but I will anyway Smiley Tongue), how have you been looking after yourself during this time?

 

I completely disagree with what your mum has said - the problem is with him NOT you. I'm glad you have enough insight to realise that this is impacting your recovery, but at the same time, this can be a really scary thought. Do you think that it might be worth speaking to KHL when you're having these thoughts - even if it's just to get it off your chest so you're not keeping it inside yourself? Heart

 

I completely understand the idea of wanting to move forward but not knowing how - that's a very familiar place to be, and I know how horrible it is. I also take things really hard when I have comments thrown at me in such a brazen manner (such as a good portion of my undergrad, but I digress...), so I can empathise with the hurt. Just remember that you are better than that - as hard as it is to believe. You have grown so much, and you are a really strong person, even though you don't feel it.

 

We're always here for you Bee. Sending you lots and lots of hugs. Heart

Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

@mrmusic I am trying my hardest to look after me. Ensuring I sleep. Music. Colouring. I went out to a movie Sautrday night which was nice. More colouring. I've done some creative things - draw my picture dragon, paint wooden keyrings.
But I still feel low and unworthy I guess. I can't seem to escape the negative drive.

I don't feel up to calling KHL, mainly because of lack of privacy a home. I usually use Lifeline online chat if I need support. Using the phone is okay, but my brother likes to listen in on calls and even when I'm outside I know he'll be listening. It's not something I can risk. And as sucky as it is with my foot right now I can't get away from home easily alone to make that call Smiley Sad

I've spoken to friends and that kinda helps but it doesn't feel like enough. And I know they are going though their own stuff so while I'm open and honest with them, I know that I can't get exactly what I need from them 100% of the time - which is realistic. I know I need a mix of therapy and love. And they are great at giving me love, I love them for who they are, but it doesn't feel like enough. And I don't know if that is because in a recent session with my psychologist we actually started discussing the challeneges of the relationship with my parents at the moment and it was pretty hard hitting stuff. It really hurt me emotionally. And I know it's a safe space with my psychologist - it's really the ONLY space I feel I can openly say the challenges with that relationship and be supported as I need. Like I find even just typing this acknloweding that challenege really hard because I'm at home and mum is home and it feels wrong. I feel all twisted up right now. I feel sad and angry and I just want to scream and yell and kick the crap out of a boxing bag.... If only my foot was okay I would right now :/

I just get so much hurt from him and no one at home recognises it or does anything overly positive for me. I just feel like I'm living in a war zone at times where I'm the main target :/

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

Hey @Bee, that's understandable re. privacy at home. Now I think of it, it's the same with me.

 

I'm sorry you don't have a safe space apart from your psychologist. That must be really hard. As "twisted" and hard as it is, when you're in that horrible, unworthy place, I would really suggest you use the Lifeline online chat - you don't need to leave it until you're in a crisis. I'm glad you're trying your best to look after yourself, and those are great strategies. Perhaps now would be a good time to try some self compassion?

 

Thinking of you during this difficult time. Heart

Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

Hi @Bee,

 

 

It sounds like your brother's behaviour has had such a big huge impact on your health and wellbeing! I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this! Heart It's always hard when someone close to your says harmful things Heart 

 

One thing that really stands out for me in your post is how well you know yourself! I can see that you are really trying to make sure that you are keeping on top of your self care and speaking to friends about what is going on Heart We see how much work you put into your wellbeing- you are amazing! If you ever need to chat about it or talk to someone about what is happening at home, know we are always here to support you Heart

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Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

Thanks @mrmusic I think I could do with some self-compassion... I'll look into it Heart

@Jess1-RO It's the hurtful things he says, it's also the way he talks to and about me, the way he attacks my personality or sense of self. It's exhausting and makes me question myself as a person - "am I good enough?", "Am I really an evil person?", "I shouldn't be crying over this. He's right, I'm weak".
I know they are emotional thoughts and it's my emotional mind talking as DBT has taught me, but I can't seem to get my brain to recognise this until long after the situation and when I've finally stopped emotionally bleeding from the attack.

Part of me wonders if I need to revisit some of the DBT lesssons with my psychologist again, and then part of me feels like maybe hte other medication the psychiatrist wants to try would help. I just feel lost in it all. I feel like I'm in the nomads land or the waste wastelend of recovery @gina-RO (Reference to "No feeling i final" podcast by Honor Eastly)

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

Hey @Bee, maybe you could try both revisiting the DBT sessions and the meds your psychiatrist and see whether either one (or both) would help?

Here for you. You're doing an amazing job trying to cope with all of this. I can imagine the pain you must be going through.
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Hope is just around the corner; you think it's not there when you first look straight ahead, but it actually is when you turn around

Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

@Esperanza67 Thank you Heart that means a lot x

I guess that's an idea. I looked into some of the DBT stuff last night and it was overwhelming Smiley Sad I think I need to find my sheets and stuff from my workbook I used...
With the medication there is a couple of things that scares me about the particular one she wants to trial and it has really scared me.. I've talked to her about it, but I'm still in two minds about it... I can't do into too much detail because of guidelines. And the whole med change thing is soo hard! Last time I had to change meds I wasn't sure if I'd ever get through it, it was really rough for me. I don't know if it'd be a change or an add-on but eh I need to talk more about it, but it's scary. I'll make a note for next session!

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

Hmmm that is pretty tricky @Bee :/. I wish I could give you more advice about the meds other than bringing this situation up during your next session without breaking the guidelines. Meds can sometimes be a bit tricky to deal with, hey?

 

Have you tried looking into your DBT stuff again today? Or is it still too overwhelming?

_________________________________________________________
Hope is just around the corner; you think it's not there when you first look straight ahead, but it actually is when you turn around

Re: Coping with horrible people (Possible TW)

@Esperanza67 it is tricky.
That is okay, I have a fair bit of info on the particular medication, my psychiatrist is very open with all of that and she deosn't want to force me into anything which is good too Smiley Happy So that makes me have more trust in her too

I haven't. I've been responding here, and just enjoying the even mood while it lasts Smiley Happy

I'll set asside some time to look over them later Smiley Happy I think I know where they are

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart