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Depressed...

Well, I'm an 18 year old guy and I absolutely hate myself. I've wasted so many years of my life worrying about what others think of me. I was a fat kid and I was even bullied that much, I love sports but was too shy to play at school because I'd get teased at training. No one even thinks I'm depressed because I'm the funny guy that's always making other laugh, I always did this from wen I was younger in an attempt to distract anyone from teasing me. Im so angry at myself for the way I turned out. I'm privileged, my parents worked so hard to give me and my sister what they couldn't get. My older sister at least made them proud, she always did well in school and got a degree in accounting. Whereas myself have done nothing to make my parents proud. I feel sorry that they've wasted their time and money raising a hopeless idiot. I hate everything about myself, my looks, my mentality, my achievements  (or lack of) I am a complete waste. 

Re: Depressed...

Hey @TyTy and a huge welcome to the RO forums. I’m really sorry to hear that life has been so tough and painful for you. It makes sense to me that you would play the funny guy in order to stop the bullying- sounds like you did the best you could to survive and to get through. I think it’s very easy to worry about what others think of us- we all do it and it takes a really long time to slowly unhook from this and eventually move towards a place of self-acceptance. I can hear there are some demons you’re dealing with and I am super proud of you for reaching out for support and for being so open with your struggle. Do you have a counsellor or psychologist that you’re seeing at the moment? It can be really good to have a safe space to unpack how we are really feeling without judgement. I’m gonna tag some members who can jump in to support you as well @Esperanza67 @Icecream1 @FootyFan26 @roseisnotaplant

Re: Depressed...

Hey @TyTy, welcome to RO! I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, it seems that the bullying you've experienced has taken a toll on your mental health Smiley Sad. But I'm glad you've reached out to us for support Smiley Happy. You've made a really good decision in doing so. Like @TOM-RO has mentioned earlier, are you currently seeking professional support at the moment? Have you also reached out to other people (perhaps your older sister) about this?

One last thing, I know we haven't met in person but I reckon you still have so much potential in your life. You seem like a really great person with an awesome sense of humour as you've previously mentioned that you can always make other people laugh (I honestly still don't know how people can easily make others laugh, I really want to know what kind of magic is involved haha).

Re: Depressed...

Thanks for the replies. In all honesty, I don't blame the mild bullying or anyone for the way I feel about myself. My life hasn't been difficult at all, I was given many opportunities to make something of myself but didn't take them out of fear of messing up and people making fun of my failure or just not having the confidence in myself to do things. That's why I hate myself, because I always think about how good my life could have been right now if I had just been more confident. I do not seek any doctors help or anything. This is the first time I've actually been completely open and honest about how i really feel. 

Re: Depressed...

Hi @TyTy I'll start by saying please don't hate yourself. Lacking self-confidence can be really hard. Is there any particular reason that you haven't spoken to your doctors about how you feel and your lack of self-confidence?

 

I ask, because your GP may be able to help find you a counselor that can help build your confidence so you can achieve those things you think you've missed out on.

 

You might also like to read through this article on building self-confidence.

Re: Depressed...

Hey @TyTy I'm sorry to hear of your struggles - bullying, insecurity, and teasing are horrible things to have to go through and can have lasting effects on our mental health. I'm glad that you can be honest with us, and I hope you can feel safe here. 

 

I want to say that however privileged you feel your life has been, it doesn't mean that you can't struggle or need extra support. I refused to let myself get help for my mental health problems for a long time because I felt they weren't 'bad enough' and like my childhood hadn't been traumatic enough. In the end everyone deserves help; mental health help is a right and it's best to get help before problems spiral and become worse. Eheadspace might be a good place to check out - their workers can have a chat with you online about anything that might be going on for you. 

 

 

Re: Depressed...

Hey @TyTy. Welcome to ReachOut! We're glad you're here. Sorry to hear that you were bullied, and that you're feeling this sense if dissatisfaction at the moment. Am I right to call it dissatisfaction?

I get the sense that you'd like to have achieved more. I often feel that way about my own life. I'm wondering if maybe you could set a goal of something you'd like to achieve (it doesn't have to be big), and maybe try to work towards that?

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: Depressed...

I don't really have a family doctor or whatever. I've never spoken about the way I feel because it's embarrassing and I don't think the way I feel is justified. Like there are so many people worse off and they fight through it all and here I am hating myself and feeling sorry myself, it makes me feel so weak and spineless to feel like this.

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Re: Depressed...

Hey @TyTy, I know how you feel. Sometimes I see people talk about "first world problems" or try to cheer up others by pointing out that others are worse off, and even though they have good intentions it's so not helpful. Your feelings are valid, and the pain they cause you is no less real just because you have a nice home. Depression, anxiety, feeling crappy - these things don't discriminate, they can affect anyone regardless of their situation. 

 

What I'm hearing in your posts is a lot of negative self talk, basically being really hard on yourself. When you think that way often and long enough, it can become a habit. Your brain learns to think that way, and to break out of it you have to teach it to think a new way which can take time and practice. I encourage you to read some of the articles in our self-talk and self-awareness section for more info on what self-talk is and how to start turning it around. We have some good threads here on the forum to start practising positive self-talk, like Three Positives of Today and What Are You Proud Of? You've already taken a big step by being honest here about how you're feeling, so I hope you can take that next step and keep going!

 

Having some professional support can also help with breaking the cycle of negative thoughts. I notice you're not based in Australia, so I'm not exactly sure how it works where you are but usually you can go see a GP and they'll give you a referral for counselling. There may also be some local phone or internet based support services you can use, if you search around a bit. 

Re: Depressed...

Thanks again everyone for your replies. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. I read a couple of those self talk articles and it's mostly saying to change the way I see myself and think about myself, it's kinda hard to change the way u feel about yourself when u hate yourself and don't feel worthy of anything. Its hard to find the positives in yourself when u can't think of any. I've read many articles saying those things and I don't feel I'll be able to just change the way I think like that, I struggle to value myself because I feel useless as if nothing would be affected even if I died. There are times when I feel happy or distracted from my negative thoughts , and I really appreciate those times and I wished they lasted longer