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Eating disorder - TW

I lost the most important figure in my life 2 years ago and it was my mum. She was the only person in my life that truly made me feel loved. Losing her made it difficult for my family to cope but specifically my dad. My oldest brother has a mental illness and my other brother moved out because he hated living in my dad’s household. I’m in high school and can’t move out. Since my mum has left our family has fallen apart and I have no one to talk to. I haven’t spoken to one of my brother in months. My dad abandoned all responsibility of me and has found a new partner. He doesn’t treat me like his child but a burden and is never home, just pops by whenever he feels like it. Somehow, not even sure when, but I developed this anxiety during these last 2 years and stopped eating. I’ve always been slim but had this urge to just feel something and for me that was hunger. From anorexic to bulimix I’m struggling to fix myself. No one knows and I want to change as I know my mum wouldn’t want me to harm myself. I’ve been bulimic now for 9 months and am so worried about my teeth. I’m underweight and I don’t have my period at 16 and a half years old. I want to get on with my life and just finish high school and move out but this eating disorder is really holding me back all the time. I’m scared I don’t have my period or any signs of puberty at all I’m almost 17. I know my mum wouldn’t have wanted me to ruin my health at such a young age but I just can’t seem so stop. It is a coping mechanism to be bulimic for me and I’ve stopped doing things I enjoy like music because I don’t have time with school. Just some thoughts as to how the death of my mother from terminal cancer could ruin my whole functional family in just 2 years. Any suggestions for how I can help myself? I’m a little scared my dad will find out if J go the GP. I’m very scared of him, he doesn’t let me cry in the house or bring people over but he’s never around. He hates my best friend and prefers his partner over us, his children. Where can I go get blood test without him finding out to check if my health is alright? 

Re: Eating disorder - TW

@Spencerhastings welcome to Reachout and thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your mum and the difficulties you've been experiencing in your family Heart I can only imagine what that's been like. I can understand that you're scared dad will find out if you go to the GP. Given the circumstance and the struggles you are experiencing, I would recommend getting in contact with eHeadspace or Kids Helpline to begin with. You'll be able to chat with a health professional either online or over the phone for some support. They may be able to provide some referrals to local services who will be able to support you with your eating disorder and other things you are struggling with. Unfortunately on the forum we aren't able to provide any medical advice as such and this can only be done by health professionals. Just letting you know I've also added a Trigger Warning (Tw) to this post so other members know the content may be triggering for them. I've also edited a couple of words as we can't talk about methods as such, you can see the Community Guidelines here. We're always here to listen and support you, it's great that you've reached out. What are some ways you can look after yourself tonight? Heart

Re: Eating disorder - TW

Hey @Spencerhastings just wondering how you are traveling today?

Re: Eating disorder - TW

Heya @Spencerhastings,

 

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to lose your mum Smiley Sad I wanted to highlight the fact that there's a lot of self-awareness in this post! As much as you're struggling right now, you seem to have a lot of insight into why you're struggling. A lot of people are never able to do that so all the high fives to you!

 

Like @Bree-RO I'm also just wondering how've you been today? Heart

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No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: Eating disorder - TW

It’s actually just so nice hearing people who care about others and using each others strentgh to get on with life. I think venting just really helped me out and I am much more aware after writing it out exactly why I feel this way. I’m working on focusing more on school and my friends to not let my home life bother me enough to change my mood at school. Just still haven’t gotten around to helping myself with ny eating disorder

Re: Eating disorder - TW

Hey @Spencerhastings,
I'm glad that venting helped, I find it quite nice at times too Smiley Happy @Lan-RO suggested two great online help lines Kids Help Line and eHeadspace that are anonymous and offer both over the phone and online web chats. They can be great starting places when looking for help and you're worried about other people finding out. What do you think?
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Re: Eating disorder - TW

@Spencerhastings I'm so sorry for your loss. 

 

Families can be tough, I really hear your sense of pain and of being alone. I know personally how hard eating disorders are to shake. I believe in you - you have such a strong motivation, knowing that your mum wouldn't want you to harm yourself. I really believe you can recover from this, and we'll be here for you as you do. 

 

I just wanted to add in, if you have your own Medicare card (which you can get if you're over 16) you can go to a bulk billing GP and they shouldn't tell your Dad or any of your family. Generally 16 is considered an age able to consent to medical procedures and help on your own Smiley Happy 

Re: Eating disorder - TW

Hi @Spencerhastings, as with the others, I’m sorry to hear that you have lost your mum. It’s perfectly normal to still have intense feelings about this, and I’m sorry you have nobody to talk to - that must make things so much more difficult. Smiley Sad

 

The others have all given great advice. I just wanted to add that The Butterfly Foundation has great resources and a helpline which you can contact about any eating-related issues. Their phone number is 1800 334 673, or you can check out their website here.

 

Please keep us updated with how things are going. Heart

Re: Eating disorder - TW

Thanks for all the support. I have definitely been spending more time with my friends lately and the connection I have with my best friend is amazing. I sometimes have issues though because all my 'friends' that I have, don't actually know anything about me even if we hang out often, I am just a very closed up person. No one knows my family situation and although it is easier for me to keep it that way I always end up venting to my best friend who is the only person in my life I have ever opened up to besides my mum. I'm not sure if I lack confidence or am scared to be too vulnerable but I find it extremely difficult to ever talk about these things with my friends, so I genuinely don't even have 'real' friends who can support me, just my best friend who although I am so extremely greatful for she isn't always around. Now that exams are over I got so extremely stressed because VCE and my dad puts pressure on me to be more like my smart brother not my mentally ill brother who he doesn't like. The stress got to me and my eating disorder peaked and it was so horrible, I have finished my exams but reflecting on it I realise how much it affected me and how I use it as an escape from my issues and to consume time the bulimia takes over. My dad leaves in a few weeks and I will be home alone for a month and my true wish although I know it is very difficult is to at least stop the bulimic cycle and begin eating properly. I have been wanting to take action and help myself for months but as it always goes I push it later and later on in the year. Time passes and it's still with me after almost 2 years. My plan is to get help during that month but I am almost scared that I won't do it and it'll be stuck with me forever. I think about growing old with this eating disorder mental illness and it terrifies me. But overall the comments on here and just even the small sense of support I feel when I hear people believe my life can change gives me hope that it will change and life will turn around for me.

Re: Eating disorder - TW

Hey @Spencerhastings I think these are normal fears to have, I believe we all have an underlying fear we will never get "on top" of our illness/symptoms. However the mere fact you're so very aware of them means you definitely will. Recovery is a journey. Relapses happen. Then we're back on track again. Please go easy on yourself, make sure you're checking in with a professional support too as you shouldn't be going through these challenges alone Heart

 

"No one knows my family situation and although it is easier for me to keep it that way I always end up venting to my best friend who is the only person in my life I have ever opened up to besides my mum." - Why do you think you feel more comfortable keeping a wall up from your other friends? Here to listen.