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Ex-wife or new girlfriend?

I never thought I'll be one to write something like this but given that I'm not comfortable to share this with my friends and family, I'm turning to anonymous advice.


My now ex-wife and I have been separated for over 6 months. One of the reasons for our break up, in truth, was that we didn't spend enough time together and we slowly drifted apart (mainly due to her career). Initially the separation was heated but for the past couple of months it has been far better. Admittedly I tried for months after the initial split to work things out but I guess things were too raw then and she wasn't interested (we have seen councillors, etc) . Before I go further, it is only fair to mention that I still have feelings for my ex-wife but I thought I had dealt with those months ago given that she wasn't interested on repairing our marriage.


I have been dating another lady for a couple of months now and things are great. We get along well and I enjoy her company. My ex-wife does not know about my new girlfriend. The only issue here I guess is that my girlfriend also works away so once again, I spent quite a decent amount of time by myself, which I do not find ideal.


Recently my ex-wife asked me whether we should try again to fix things. I'm torn and confused; I simply don't know what to do. I don't want to lead anyone on but I don't know what I want or what I should do. My ex-wife has stepped back from her heavy work load career so part of me thinks that there may be an opportunity there and that we would have the time that we didn't have before. On the other hand, I have strong feelings for my girlfriend but the time I spend alone wears at me.


Maybe I'm being too dramatic but this feels like a major life choice and I don't know what to do. I think about it constantly and my mind swings from one decision to another so easily. Any sound advice would be very much welcome. Thanks.



Re: Ex-wife or new girlfriend?

My advice will probably not be useful as I'm not very experienced and you might already know the answer? You just don't want to admit it to yourself. But what really matters is who can u imagine being with in the long run and who makes you very happy and a better person. Spending time together is very important but being with someone you love more matters than seeing them more hours in a week. Hope this is a little bit useful

Re: Ex-wife or new girlfriend?

Hey @Wolfe, thanks for reaching out to us.


Your story covers some more complex relationship issues than we normally deal with here on ReachOut but I'll do my best to help out with the resources we have!


It sounds like you are very conflicted between the two relationships and it is worth thinking about possible ramifications of dating multiple people, like jealousy and feeling unhappy or insecure. If this is not what you envisioned for yourself and either of your potential partners, making a decision about your current relationship would be a good first step. Be open and honest with her about how you are feeling and the concerns you have about your relationship. There are some things you can use to assess if you want to pursue your relationship in this fact sheet.


In the end it will be your decision and you can only make that based on what you believe will make you happy. Take a look at the fact sheets above and see if there's anything that helps guide your thinking. Good luck!

Re: Ex-wife or new girlfriend?

Thank you for the replies. The fact sheet actually is quite helpful. I admit much of my problems is that I look back to how my relationship with my exwife was rather than how it is. Sometimes I think that if we could bring it back to how it was then it would be great, but to be honest, it has always felt like I've been the one doing all the work. With my girlfriend that hasn't been the case, but then again, we've only recently been dating...

So much to think about and take in, it's difficult to say the least.

Thanks once again Sadgirl & Kit.

Re: Ex-wife or new girlfriend?

I think you are torn because you want to answers that you dont have answers to.

Whether your wife will change once she steps back. 

How would a relationship with your gf change when you guys move closer together.


Simply you dont have the answer to these questions and neither do they. Stop the juggling these thoughts in your head and accept that you dont have the answers. Both decision seem like they are okay to me. Life is simply about choices we make and there may be no right or wrong. 

Re: Ex-wife or new girlfriend?

Hi @Wolfe the anonymity is one thing we all really love here on RO! Talking through things with others can be really helpful Smiley Happy


Like @Kit mentioned because our age demographic is 14-25 year olds we do not often come accross to situations similar to yours. It is great that we did have some factsheets that you found useful.


If you have found discussing through this medium helpful you might be interested in the SANE, MensLine or theShed forums (I hope it was not too presumptuous of me assuming you are male). You may find more people who have had similar experiences to you and can help in ways we cant here at RO.


All the best Smiley Happy

|| Life runs in cycles, the wheel never stops turning, no matter how dark the night morning comes, no matter how cold the winter, spring comes. When you feel despair know that the wheel is turning, joy will come. ||

Re: Ex-wife or new girlfriend?

You're welcome @Wolfe. I am glad you found the fact sheets helpful and hope things get easier for you from here.

Re: Ex-wife or new girlfriend?

That is very true; there is no 'right' decision and either choice seems as good as the other. I am a male in my early 30s though I definitely don't feel my age. I'll check out those other resources as well, thank you once again all Smiley Happy