Feel bad troubling more people but I really need help?
First time posting here.
I need help, with a lot of things, but first let me explain where I'm coming from:
Last year, when I was 15, I came to the realization (with the help of some friends) that my dad is probably abusive. I contacted Kids Helpline, stuff happened, and the police were out here.
Long story short, my dad was given an AVO for a year that stopped him from hitting us (me and my mass of younger siblings) with objects.
In the year and a few months since then, with the help of face-to-face therapy (which I received for a few months), online counseling through eHeadspace, and doing my own research and talking to a few extended family members, I've come to realize the extent of my dad's abuse, and just how abusive he is, and how traumatized that has left me.
The abuse includes physical, emotional, verbal, religious (all my dad's abuse is justified by the bible, and I have been brought up with the most crippling ideas and ideals and rules and mindsets and fears that I haven't even begun to understand let alone work through and fully let go of). It could probably also be seen as neglect, because I am craving the love of a father, the security of a father, the forgiveness of a parent, the freedom to just be a child, and now a young adult who is really just a teenager. I've never had these things. I don't even know what they are, I just know I crave them and the craving makes me sick and angry and confused and hurt.
On top of that, I have been battling suicidal thoughts since I was 13, have been living with developing and then full on depression since 14, and have been cutting to cope with it all since 15. Some days I cannot get out of bed. Most days it is an achievement to convince myself that being alive is OK. That somewhere, there is a place for me on this planet, and that I am not a mistake.
Most days I don't really believe that, I just tell myself that, and keep going on as best I can.
I don't want to kill myself to end the pain. I want to kill myself because I do not see the point of life. I do not understand why life is a thing. I do not understand why I /have/ to stay here, why freeing myself from this fucked up body that some days can't stand and often is that riddled with headaches I can't see straight is wrong. I do not like this world, or this body, or this life. At all.
People keep saying I should leave. That I should move out. That I should start my own life. That helping myself is the only way I can help the rest of my family.
About a week ago, after listening to my dad encourage my brother for hurting one of my other brothers, and a night spent crying and not sleeping because the pain was that bad, I decided I am leaving.
I thought, maybe if I leave a letter saying I can't stay here anymore because his abuse is so bad that I want to kill myself, maybe he will wake up.
I'm still wanting to leave. I've contacted friends asking about a place to crash in whilst I set up welfare payments and look for more permanent housing options. I already have a bank account under my own name, a phone I bought with my own money and a pre-paid contract signed under my own name. I was working one job for several months, then two, and now one again as my first job went belly-up. Seeing as how children aren't a thing in the eyes of my dad, I'm experienced in cooking, washing, cleaning, ironing, mending, managing finances, managing a home, and things like that.
So, basically, looking after myself isn't a problem.
There are two big problems though. The first, which is not a major worry but still a problem:
My schooling. I have been doing distance education (home schooling) since I started school. At the start of this year, I finished year 10 and went into year 11/12 combined (basically year 12). I've done basically no school this year. The school I do DE with is asking questions of course, and is trying to help me find other education options that I actually do.
I don't want to do school. It's not that I don't like learning - I spend most of my time reading and researching various topics and subjects and love English and maths and science and pretty much everything - it's that I hate the school I'm with. That, and, I have no motivation to actually do anything.
If I leave, the way I'm planning to, it's going to cause problems with my family trying to explain why I've quit school, and problems with me trying to get into different education or work or whatever because I quit school.
I'm hoping I can do things like UniLearn or TAFE or something eventually, but I don't know for sure. I'm also not sure about the legal implications of quitting school when I don't have a full time job and living on my own and not getting any education for awhile. Basically: are authorities going to be chasing me asking questions and bringing me back home, if I were to leave?
And now the 2nd problem, which is huge:
I don't know how to leave my mum or my siblings.
I am the oldest of 9. So, there are 8 little kids after me. I try and help my mum with them as much as possible. I feel like my youngest siblings are my own children.
I feel like I am doing a selfish and stupid thing leaving them all here. I feel like I will kill my already worn out and tired mum by leaving her with everyone to look after by herself. I keep telling myself I can come and visit sometimes and take some of the kids for a few days to give her a break, and maybe cook heaps for her to stick in the freezer, but I don't know if my dad will let me back home. Or, if he does, if he'll let me back out.
But, if I stay here, I'm not much of a use anyways. I'm so tired and depressed and unmotivated that I spend most of my time lying on my bed, either reading or sleeping or starving myself (I can rarely force myself to eat because it feels like I'm going to throw up. I've been this way for about a year now).
Killing myself, I am of no use to them. Of course, if I kill myself, I could also kill this reality, and they wouldn't exist anymore anyways. But I don't know for sure. I'd be doing everyone a massive favour if I ended this reality though, so I am torn.
That is a very real thought I battle daily. I've been struggling with the realness of reality though since I was a small girl, so it's nothing new.
I'm sorry this post is so rambly and all over the place. Unfortunately that is me at the moment: confused and all over the place.
I do not know what to do. I do not know what the best thing is to do. I do not know what the right thing is to do.
I don't know how to decide for myself what that is.
Staying is the easy option, but it may also be the selfless and right option.
Going is the uncomfortable option, but it may also be the selfish option because I will be living for me, and my happiness, which I have always been taught is wrong and I don't know how to unlearn that, or if I should even unlearn that.
If anyone as any advice, no matter how small or vague, or maybe how they got through a similar situation, that would be so appreciated.
I really don't want to be praised for still being here or surviving abuse or the usual crap people give me. I have done nothing praiseworthy. I am still a mess. I am still broken. I've barely survived anything. I just want help, not pleasantries, thank you. xx
And if you clicked on this because it sounded like a similar situation you're in, big hugs to you and I'm happy to talk to you about things if you'd like.
Re: Feel bad troubling more people but I really need help?
You're not alone here… we have a few members here who have been through similar stuff. Hopefully they'll come out of the woodwork at some point and share their experiences, too.
Sorry my reply is long but I figured you'd spent a long time writing that out so I wanted you to know I read the whole thing.
First off, suicide is not any kind of solution or relief. It is not a release of any kind; no one is made free by it. I was raised in a fairly strict religious household, too, and even in that environment of always hearing about an "afterlife", the phrase "you only get one life" was repeated often (usually as a reason why I should stop playing video games and study harder). This is the only world, body and life you get — though the operating systems do allow you to make some changes along the way.
If you end it all, your family will still exist, but with the added burden of grief and significant costs to them physical, financial, emotional and mental.
I'm in my 30s and I still don't know what life is about or what it is or any of that. Some people seek answers in religion, some seek it in science and others just try not to think about it. Honestly, I'm in that last group. All I know is that it's my life to live and I only get a limited amount of it, so I try to enjoy it as often as I can.
I can't tell you to stay home or move out. That's a really tough decision and one only you can make. I do know that the schooling stuff always has multiple paths to where you want to be. If you have your Year 10 Certificate (or whatever it's called nowadays), that's a good start. You need Year 11/12 to get into uni but you can also study those subjects at UniLearn/TAFE to give you the necessary prerequisites for university. There is always a path to university — doing well in high school is not the only way. For example, my own sister was a ballerina; once that career was over in her early 20s, she only had her Year 10 cert (which she got through DE, because she spent most of her teens in ballet school or dancing abroad)… but she wanted to study Nursing. So, she studied the necessary subjects to give her what she needed for uni, and now she's studying to be a midwife.
I wonder… is there a solution where you can move out of home but still do things to support your siblings and your mum? Or will you not be allowed back if you leave?
Have you talked to your mum about leaving?
I know you don't want any praise or anything like that, so I'm trying to avoid that, but I think it's worth pointing out that for someone who says they're pretty confused, you organise your thoughts quite well. Nicely done.
Lastly, I know you've heard this before but in case someone in a similar situation is reading this thread: if you ever feel threatened or at immediate risk of harm, call 000. And if you need to talk to someone right now you can always call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, even if it's just to chat.
Re: Feel bad troubling more people but I really need help?
First off, you won't rambling. I totally understood what you said (all of it) and I was so impressed at how well you knew what hands you were dealt, especially what it means if you stayed at home and what it means if you left. It is hard I could understand why you felt you are torn. There are so much the eldest have to consider, especially when the little ones are still going to be at home with dad.
By the sound of things, you are capable of moving out. You could look after yourself, you have all the finances set up and you have planned you would crash at someone's place first etc. I think the thing that is holding you back is the love you have for your siblings and for your mother. I really admire you that you would consider staying to be with them.
But note, you have also said, being at home you would be no help to your siblings because you would be unmotivated and sometimes not getting out of bed and not eating. If you are not well, it would be hard to be looking after your siblings. So I think, go with what you know (deep down) you have to do - move out and take a break, return and visit to help your mother and your siblings. The main thing is, you need to make sure you are well enough to to be able to help others. Feeling suicidal is not a pleasant feeling to have, you deserve to feel better sometimes.
Also, you have great friends. Don't forget to keep in contact with them. Give Kids Helpline a call again if you needed it.
I hope things turn out for you :-)
Re: Feel bad troubling more people but I really need help?
I think what Lex said is great advice for both of the issues you are experiencing surrounding moving out. Is there a tafe in your area that you could go to to ask about their services for people who want to finish their highschool education? I have never been to tafe but I have had friends who have completed their HSC or equivalent there so that could be a good option for you.
Also, I think what Doris said is so true, and that if you feel as if you cant be any help to your mother and siblings while you are at home anyway, then perhaps it is time to focus on your needs rather than theirs. And try not to think of that as selfish, because you cannot help them unless you help yourself first.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you have been through and that I couldn't give you anymore advice other than what has already been given, but I just thought I would reiterate what has already been said because I think it could be really useful for you.
Hope things start looking up soon!
Please keep us updated with your progress.
Things to check out:
Ask our Builders (Almost) Anything here! Not sure what a builder is? Time to find out!
It's Election Time in NSW! How do you have your say?
New Zealand Mosque terrorism: How can we cope with bad news and racism?
Seen something fantastic on the forums?
Click here to nominate awesome posts for a Friday Five!