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Feeling alone in a crowded room.

I'm new to all of this. . . Feeling stressed just typing the words, feeling like at times the person i use to be and the person i am now with anxiety will never meet again. I miss that girl, she was funny and spontaneous, smart, cheeky and flirty. But then boom, struggles, stresses, years of covering that boiling pot of problems boiled over and like the saying goes, when it rains it pours. 

 

I know that i am not the only person who suffers with anxiety and with a room full of people that love me, my fiance who adores me and has falling in love with my quirks, i wonder, i hope that he can always love me . . . Even like this . . . Even with me pulling my hair out over a cake not baking properly and the bench not being just quite clean enough . . . Even with me crying because he asked me something and he wasn't as happy as usually and now I think he hates me. 

 

Sometimes in one day i can feel like this. . Smiley HappySmiley MadSmiley SurprisedSmiley EmbarassedSmiley SadSmiley IndifferentSmiley LOLHeart

And by golly gosh its exhausting, its crazy and it sucks . . . . and unfortunately it has been more often then not, a hell to wake up each more and think when is the next panic attack, will it be because i have had an argument, will it be at work, will it be on my birthday where my hands are shaking so bad that my eye liners looks like a 5 year old has coloured my eye in with a crayon! (that actually did happen, kind of funny when i look back at it now).

 

Knowone tells you when your growing up how to cope with stress, knowone explains to you when your brother dies, or a partner abuses you, or a sibling is taken from your home in a police car how to cope . . . my coping was taking all that grieve and making a cake, helping my mum, looking after cleaning the house and trying to stay strong and not let people help me. Now i dont have anything left . . . my job is to support others and i'm struggling to do that when i can hardly support myself.

 

My thearpist is awesome, she says that sometimes it can get worse before it gets better, but i'm to impatient to wait. She also asks how many therapist does it take to change a light bulb . . . .  only one but it takes 7 sessions! Story of my life!

 

I just want to get better, i'm losing my sarcasim and i don't like that, certainly could do with losing my appetite but instead i can down a whole block of cadbury chocolate on a 30 minute drive home from work. Please tell me i'm not crazy and that their is a crazy little leprechaun at the end of the tunnel with a pot of gold. 

 

So people, please tell me it gets better, I'm hoping that going on a diet wil help me lose weight, lose my anixtey, trim a little fat off my love handles and my big toe and BOOM . . .  I'm fixed Smiley Tongue . . . .either that or a stiff glass of vodka on the rocks lol.

 

Much love,

Tarzy

 

 

Re: Feeling alone in a crowded room.

Hey Tarzy,

 

Welcome to Reach Out!!

 

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are or you at the moment. It sounds like you have gone through a lot in your life and that you've been struggling with your anxiety for some time now. Anxiety can often be the result of experiencing trauma but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to cope with how affecting anxiety can be.

It also sounds though, like you have amazing insight and inner strengths. You have survived so much, you work in a job where you help others, you've drawn good people into your life and you've also done lots of work to try and get your anxiety under control.

You've also managed to keep your sense of humour through it all. That's so awesome!!

There are lots of great stories and info here about different types of stress and anxiety as well as different ways of coping with and other people's experiences.

KHL and Lifeline offer phone and on-line support. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your therapist so you might want to you use these services as extra support between appointments.

And, I'm sure you were joking, but I just want to stress that vodka is not a great solution to anxiety. It might seem calming at first but it so often brings a whole bunch of extra problems, it's really not worth it.

But baking is great!! If you get joy from baking, and it help calms you, then that's a great thing to keep going with.

 

I heard a similar therapist joke but mine goes, '\

'how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 but the lightbulb has to want to change.' Smiley Happy

 

Let us know how you go.

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Re: Feeling alone in a crowded room.

Hey Tarzy,

 

NigioC gave you some great advice. It sounds like you have had alot happen to you over time that has contributed to how you feel and how you cope when the next life stressor pops up. It is great you have a positive coping activity through baking.

 

I guess why I wanted to reply was to say don't give up on therapy just yet. Sometimes these things take time to work through, especially if you are dealing with a few things you haven't had a chance to deal with before. If this therapist doesn't work out there could be someone else out there that will work with you. The thing with therapy is that each therapist is unique and they all have their own individual approaches when working with people.

 

Best of luck.

Re: Feeling alone in a crowded room.

Hey Tarzy 

 

You are so strong and brave for coming onto the forums to share your story with us. NigioC and Lealea have given you some great advice and I hope that helps you move forward. I just wanted to come on to let you know that we are hear to support you and even though you are going through a difficult time right now, you are strong enough to get through it. 

 

I hope things work out for you. 

 

Please let us know how you go Smiley Happy 

 

Take care 

_________________________________________________
**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: Feeling alone in a crowded room.

Thank you all for your supportive words, I haven't been on a site like this before and i think just the action of being able to type and let out alot of whats going on in my mind out into words is extremely helpful.

I'm going to keep on writting and pushing on through and try not to let anixety and depression own or define me.

Re: Feeling alone in a crowded room.

Awesome Tarzy, yr an inspiration. We hope you stick around the forums and are able to share your great attitude - it actually offers other people who read your posts so much to know that you are looking forward to the future with hope.

Online Community Manager

ReachOut.com

Re: Feeling alone in a crowded room.

Just wanted to echo what everyone has said so far. You're definitely really brave, Tarzy, for seeing a therapist and also for posting on here. It's great to see you fighting and not letting yourself be beat so as Sophie says, I hope that you'll continue to stick around and inspire others to be just as brave as you.