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Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

So To start off ive been starving myself to lose weight as i feel more weight is a major part of why i feel this way but i feel it still isnt fast enough because the want and desire to be in a loving relationship and to love and be loved by someone is slowly killing me. I feel unable to feel positive things and feel so ignored by everyone as i dont have anyone to talk to and am alone with noone regardless of how much i try. Ive started to self-harm again as atleast i can control the pain and i get a sense of enjoyment out of self harm. 

 

I have no idea why i want to be in a loving relationship i really dont and i know because of how i am weight, unemployment, living arangements and mental state it wont happen and im not even sure if it ever will as ive never had anyone remotely be interested in me. Seeing or hearing about people in happy relationships just tares me apart and at times has made me contemplate killing myself because of the pain.

 

I really dont know what to do as just holding on and waiting is so tireing and it dosent seem to change and this pain gets worse and worse and even with the stratergies i have and use that work for other emotions this emotion is just far to strong and i feel like it will kill me sooner or later. I talk to my councilers about it but it dosent offer any relief or anyways to handle all this.

 

Ontop of all that all i can do is wait as i need to wait to do my tafe course that starts next year and for my weight to reduce and for somethings to change. I even have to wait for my mental health group to start up again next thursday and all it ever feels like i do is try and then have to wait and since i enjoy nothing besides hurting myself time feels like it moves at a snails pace. Just so over being alone , unloved, unwanted,obese, undesireable and just sick of being me no matter how hard i try to change things and even when people see its better or people ( relatives when its convinient for them or they need something) the only thing thats diffrent is im not talking about it and its doing so much more damage under the surface. I hope i can last long enough to see some good things in my life but currently i dont know as i feel so powerless with everything and like the only control that i have sometimes is over if i take my life or not and just continue to suffer.

 

I know people are over hearing from me on here so i will probably stop making posts after this thread dies so i can just completely seclude myself as depending on people hurts to much when i want to talk to someone and their is noone around as they have other things to do which is great for them and i know that but at the end of the day im all alone and dealing with all this by myself.

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

Zeraxero I'm new here. So I'm not tired of reading your stuff. Hey I know how you feel. I don't self-harm but I understand loneliness and feeling friendless. I'm happy to talk to you if you want because it might make me feel more purposeful. I suppose you might think that's using you. ... well you could see it that way. But at least we have the basis for a friendship because we have things in common. And I do feel badly for you. I can't really give you any advice that you probably haven't heard already. I do know that its temping to shut people out completely because they seem to be the source of pain but I don't know that it's wise. I say that as much to myself as I do to you. I also think that society and the times we live in lead us to think that we'll find fulfillment in a romantic relationship but I'm thinking that the reason why the idea appeals to us so much is the desire to be loved. Just because no-one seems to love us does not mean that we aren't loveable. Everyone has some good in them and that makes them loveable. Yes society idolises skinny women but that doesn't make you worthless because you're obese. I hope this helps you somewhat.

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

@Someonewithanam Yea you have a point in probably why i want to be in a loving relationship so bad but i just wish atleast for now i didnt feel that i absolutely needed it as it causes so many problems for me. Im a gyt and asmuch empthasis on women being thin i think thier is just as much for men to be slim and muscley but i just want to be a regular body size and weight so i atleast am not disadvantaged in things that i do. 

 

I have some nice personality traits about me that i suppose would be desirable in a person but it just dosent seem to matter to anyone and it makes me think their is just a massive flaw with myself that makes things regular people do or have impossible for myself and that makes me feel very unstable and unhappy.

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

Hey @Zeraxero, I didn't want to let this thread die and have you stop posting, especially since this is something that is having a big effect on you. I can relate so much to your body image worries, and I think a lot of people can. The world has a horrible habit of trying to convince women that they aren't worth anything if they are not beautiful, white, thin and able-bodied. It makes me furious, because it's just such nonsense. You are worthy of love from others, and more importantly, you are worthy of love from yourself. I read a beautiful quote once that always stuck with me, that nobody gets to the end of their life and looks back wishing they had spent more time covering up and hiding away and being ashamed of themselves. I refuse to let my size stop me from doing what makes me happy - seeing my friends, travelling, swimming at the beach, volunteering, being kind to others. I'm also a big believer in Health at Every Size. Have you eard of it? There's a good fact sheet about it here.

 

Anyway, I hope you do return to the forum because I reckon coversations like this can help a lot of other people out there recognise that they are wonderful and beautiful and shouldn't have their whole value reduced to their appearance.

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

@ElleBelle Even though i am male i feel that the whole body image thing is forced heavily on females in the media and basically in everyday life. But in the same token i feel its similar for men as the "perfect" man has washboard abs V chest is rich and basically is perfect in everyway which is just as unrealistic as the size 0 image for women. But ive radically accepted that until i am thiner and better looking i wont be loved or accepted and thats how it is but thats fine as it has always been that way for me. I do agree about alot of points you made and being healthy at every size but for me i dont feel that its enough as i genrally dont care about myself aslong as someone loves me as i live to help people and make everyone elses days better ( i also tutor kids 2 days a week on monday and tuesday). Planing on becoming a nurse and what not but even saying all that the fact i am unloved and unwanted by most people still makes me strive to be thin even if it costs me my life, because of how much of a detrament my weight has on my life.

 

I do believe i have good aspects about me and that if someone gave me a chance it would be good for both of us but thats not how things work for me i need the crutch of being good looking aswell as my whole life up until this point noone has ever shown any romantic attention towards me and i do get treated diffrently when their is no body to the person (aka online) vs when its the whole me because of how much of a monstrosity i currently am and that is unlikely to change while i am as big as i am.

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

Hi @Zeraxero, as you've pointed out pressure to look a certain way is felt regardless of gender.

 

I'm worried about what you've said about needing to be thin to be loved (I've edited out some of the specifics of your post, just to ensure it isn't triggering for anyone else reading this). Have you thought about speaking to someone about how you're feeling about your weight? You can call Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800 or you can talk to someone at The Butterfly Foundation by calling 1800 334 673.

 

Please know that you do deserve love, regardless of how much you weigh, and it's important to talk to someone about this sooner rather than later. 

 

You mentioned you know you have good aspects about yourself. Can you tell me what some of them are?

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

@Lula

I mean i think people should be loved regardless of how they look but just beacuse thats how it should be dosent mean it is in alot of cases and in my case it hasnt/isnt been that way so its just how it is ive accepted that fact.

 

Im kind, respecting, intelegent, caring, loving, empathetic,sympathetic,generous and alot of those kind of things which i attribute to the years of abuse and just how badly ive been treated by people in general and it makes me want to make people feel like they matter and that someone cares. Basically treating people how i wish i was treated but currently am not treated that way.

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

Hey @Zeraxero, your post about wanting to make others feel like they matter really struck me. It's clear you're a thoughtful and caring person, and your desire to help others, and in some cases put others first, is a rare quality. What fortune others must have to know you and receive your generous care. I'm sure you will be an excellent nurse.

You mentioned that you have some strategies, albeit that aren't working, and are part of a mental health group but I'm wondering what you do to take care of yourself; what you do in your down time. Do you like to watch movies, have a bath, cook, read, play Pokemon Go? The cool thing about self-care is that it can be anything, as long as it gives you a way to recharge and keep you feeling emotionally healthy. My friend is a nurse and loves to wind down with a bath and wine – or sometimes boxing! I would love to know how you recharge.

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

@Kit spend alot of my freetime playing games and online games inparticular becuase again i get to help people since i find it tough to enjoy myself or feel content about what im doing as i feel as if i need to make things better for other people since of how bad the world is that i dont have time to stop helping as their is always more work or more help to be given in any capacity i can.I also watch/look up alot of porn which is weird as i dont even really do it for regular reasons of stimulation just more interested and bored.Plus its as close as i get to any level of intimacy currently.

Re: Feeling emptier and alone more than ever- Trigger Warning

Hi @Zeraxero, it sounds like you do so much for others! I'm interested in hearing about the games you play online and how you help others through them. Is it just online chat or do you talk them through the game? 

 

You also mentioned that you tend to look up porn, which is something that you shouldn't be ashamed of - it's perfectly healthy to do so. However, if you are finding that you are spending more time looking up porn than you are doing other activities in your day then you might want to talk to a counsellor about it.