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Friend distancing himself (advice please!)

One of my best guy friends has been distancing himself from me and my friendship group and I don't know what to do...

 

For the sake of privacy, we'll call my friend "Sam".

 

Basically what happened is Sam was organising a hang out thing and asked us if we were okay with him inviting a girl who we have tension with. We said no because we didn't feel comfortable having her there, and we don't really like her. Some other friends backed us up too. Eventually, Sam got annoyed and said he was going to invite her and if we didn't want to come, it was fine by him. 

 

Some other girls and I said we weren't coming anymore and Sam literally replied with "Fine, good.".  My friends and I just avoided talking to him (not totally ignoring him but we didn't engage any conversation with him) and he ended up inviting some more girls we didn't like. In the end, we heard that he cancelled it bc the girls didn't want to go with him.

 

Ever since then, he's been avoiding us at all costs and even though we've expressed that we are no longer angry or upset, Sam keeps pointedly ignoring me and my friends. On social media, he keeps posting things like "f*** you all, f*** this s**t I'm out" (which I am aware is a vine but in this context, not good), etc. 

 

The point is, I don't know what to do or how to help him. Sam isn't the kind of person to self-harm or attempt suicide but I do know that we don't always know everything about everyone. I just want to make the situation better but I have no idea of how to do it. 

Re: Friend distancing himself (advice please!)

Hey @kittykat30 sounds like you're really worried about your friend, we definitely are here to listen and support you as you need. It sounds like he's facing potentially a lot of shame, pain, anger & guilt all at once. Is it possible he had feelings for this girl you and your friends don't like? He took a risk and it backfired, I am sure he feels very isolated and shameful. Sometimes we aren't conscious of how we feel as humans and can act out in really strange ways as a result (avoiding friends, anger etc). 

 

I don't know your friend but it sounds like those social media posts are a cry for help. Even though he is reluctant to engage with you, could you try talking to him one on one without involving other friends? Even a message along the lines of "Hey mate, I would really love a coffee with you just the two of us. I want to see how you're going." - What are your thoughts?

 

The other recommendation is having a chat to Kids Helpline (they work with 14-25 year olds) yourself here, to see if a counsellor could give you some tips on how to assist Sam. If you're worried he may hurt himself then it's important you tell an adult so that they can phone 000, or tell a counsellor at KHL online. We look forward to hearing from you and supporting you further Heart

Re: Friend distancing himself (advice please!)

@Bree-RO, thank you for your advice, however within 2 days, not much has changed except for what Sam posted this afternoon. It was a black picture with the words "I'm done trying..."My friends and I are concerned because he's not replying to us. We've tried calling and texting but no response. I feel so helpless.

 

The event that Sam was planning is going ahead but it's all boys and he seems happy about that.  When one of the boys suggested that he invite me and my friends, Sam said no. he likes someone but it wasn't the girl he was trying to invite. It was one of her friends and we have a suspicion that Sam is trying to get in with the girl he likes (we'll call her Ella). However, Ella doesn't like Sam and she thinks he is really creepy.

 

Some of us are worried that Sam may do something to himself. What should we do?

Re: Friend distancing himself (advice please!)

Hi @kittykat30, I think if you or your friends are worried about Sam then it might be worth talking to a school counsellor or trusted teacher about it? There's also some information here about helping friends, which you might find helpful  Heart