Gaining Weight To Self-Sabotage (Addicted to Food)

[Buppie]

Is our ego and our addiction linked? When I’m scared of joining society, I sabotage my confidence with hobbies/interests/projects, gaining significant weight, staying indoors, changing my hair, picking my face, smoking and drinking, causing financial problems, self-isolating, burning bridges...  My dream is to abandon my life in the city, so I can detox and relapse in peace... Or maybe, I just need to sober up, stop smoking weed, and apply myself, and become brilliant... But, what if I can’t? I’ve been sabotaging for months... COVID-19 Isolation is only enabling more self-harm so far. Who is feeling this? Do you bruise your own ego? Why do you think you do? How to stop? 

[neko]

I just want to tell you, you're already brilliant, and even when you try to self sabotage, no matter how bad you think you look, you're still brilliant and worthy of respect and love and care.

[Ronan-RO]

Hey @Buppie ,

Welcome to the forums, however I'm really sorry to read what you're going through .

It sounds like you're doing a lot of self-exploration currently.  Self-sabotaging is not unusual when we're feeling distressed .  However, you've already asked an important question: why you do think you do it?  Has it increased since Covid-19?  Is it a form of distress relief (e.g., by self-sabotaging you won't have to join society)?. 

You've also highlighted a potential solution which is sobering up, quitting weed, and applying yourself to become brilliant, or at very least a better part of yourself .  The weed is most likely a problem as it can really rob people of their motivation.  It can also cause excess hunger.  The whole thing can be very cyclical.  For instance: (1) we feel distressed due to covid (2) smoke weed to relieve distress (3) eat more because of the weed (4) feel bad about ourselves for doing this (5) further self-sabotage (6) feel worse (7) smoke more weed to relieve the distress.......etc (this is just an example of course).  Thus weed and alcohol might be a good starting point.

There's a lot for you to unpack.  One method might to to identify a goal you have, then all of the things that are getting in the way of that goal (e.g., excessive eating etc.), and potential techniques to overcome them. 

Have you spoken to a GP about this?  They may be able to refer you to a psychologist/ mental health practitioner to help you action your plan and get the support you need.

We are all here for you also   

[Tay100]

Hi @Buppie ,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through- and that isolation isn't making anything easier. Please remember that this is a strange time and you aren't alone in how you feel. Therefore, please be gentle with yourself, and practise some extra self-care while you navigate a path forward for yourself. This might include things that help you get out of your head like stretching, walking, and doing breathwork. Let us know you go-we'll be here to listen.

Sending hugs,

Tay100

[Lowenkraft]

I don't know what is the source of your addiction, but I hope you will be ok.

[BeanieM]

This isolation has been terrible mentally, but you need to stay strong and fight!