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Re: How do I get over it?

@Bee sorry, I sounded very ungrateful about her...I just don’t like being touched and I don’t want pity or to be treated differently when I disclose my illness...I don’t need pity or charity, I need reasonable disability accomodations and respect. Sorry. Just had a lot of bad experiences I guess so even when people mean well now I’m super sensitive. 

 

I’m not really coping with all of this. I’m scared for my appointment tomorrow because my DBT therapist is going to be mad at me for self harming even though we keep talking about how I need to stop. And I think my other counsellor is also mad at me because I’ve had to postpone our appointment three times because of work and now having a DBT appointment, she missed when I tried to call her and so I texted her but she didn’t reply.

 

I feel like everything I do is wrong on prac. Even simple tasks I know that I know how to do, I just make so many mistakes, I get lost, I don’t know things. My memory has been really, really bad which makes me seem like I don’t know anything at work. And because I struggle with tone and facial expression I know I look bored and miserable all the time and like I don’t want to learn and I’m not grateful for the help or opportunities. Going to prac feels like forcing myself to walk into hell. I wish I could talk to someone about how it’s affecting me but all the words just stick in my throat. I feel so mute all of the time. All I’ve got are stock phrases to rotate and it’s not enough.

 

Things are hard at home, my dad’s sick and I want to be a good daughter and comfort him but I don’t think I can really forgive him and it’s hard. I’m worried about my brother and I don’t know how to help him. 

 

Other stuff is bothering me too, still, I feel sick and I want to clean it out from under my skin and I can’t. I miss [name] so so so much and it hurts all the time. I’m scared I’m going to forget how her laugh sounds.

 

I just want to sleep forever and ever...I really wish I was dead. 

 

(Also @Bee you’re a mod now!!! (or maybe have been for a while I’m not very observant hahaha) congrats!!! You’re so awesome at this and your honesty about your recovery journey is always inspiring Smiley Very Happy

Re: How do I get over it?

Hey @DruidChild I've just seen your response to my earlier reply! I know things a really tough right now but I wouldn't worry about your DBT appointment tomorrow. It's pretty normal for people to have to move their appointments around and with regards to your self harm just remember that therapists train for years in mental health and understand that there's no straight line to recovery. I think if anything they should be more compassionate and understanding of your where you're at with everything.

 

Prac will get better with time and of course when we are anxious about doing well, we can tend to magnify our perceived mistakes and minimise our successes, so stick with it and just try to be really present and even enjoy it if you can Heart

 

There also sounds like there's a lot of external stuff going on around you, family wise so that would be adding to your feeling of exhaustion. I would really like acknowledge the awesome support you've been giving everyone else, it's really pretty exceptional, given what's been going on for you. Do you feel safe tonight? and is there any strategies you like to use when you're feeling like this?

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Re: How do I get over it?

Thank you @Erin-RO, that’s really reassuring Smiley Happy Partly I’m also just scared of being involuntarily hospitalised again, but tbh I know the legislation back to front and I doubt they would have grounds to schedule me so probably it’ll be okay. 

 

Hmm I appreciate that but it’s really not getting better. I’ve struggled this much on every prac I’ve ever done, I’ve had similar problems in other contexts since I was like 3, and I’ve been on this prac for two weeks and it’s only getting harder and worse. I feel pretty hopeless about it atm Smiley Sad 

 

Yeah there’s a lot going on, it’s super exhausting. I’m safe tonight. I can’t think clearly or remember enough to think about skills or strategies...I’m going to go to bed soon and apart from nightmares I’ve been sleeping okay-ish so that’s good. 

Re: How do I get over it?

Do you feel comfortable chatting to your prac teacher about things? Maybe seeing if it's possible to get a tutor or some help with things? @DruidChild

 

Thank you for letting me know you're safe. It's understandable that you may not have the energy to think about strategies and skills, sometimes rest / sleep really is the best option. It's good that you feel your sleep is okay, despite the nightmares. If you haven't already let your therapist know what's been going on for you re. sleep and maybe they can help you with a bit of a sleep management plan.

 

And of course we're all here if you need Smiley Happy

Re: How do I get over it?

The problem is I don’t really need anything the uni can provide @Erin-RO, because it’s not really nursing I’m struggling with as much as it is just being in a workplace fulltime, so more the fatigue and self esteem and ‘people’ side of things. And like I mentioned my prac teacher wasn’t super helpful. 

 

Yeah my therapist and gp know about my nightmares, unfortunately nobody can really do anything about them. I’m just supposed to do grounding throughout the day to stop myself slipping into that dreamland world. I haven’t been doing it lately. The nightmares seem much safer than being here. 

 

I guess right now it’s just a matter of reminding myself that I’m not surviving for me, I’m surviving because I have a family to take care of, so I don’t get a choice in whether I stay alive - however much it hurts and feels awful and painful and however much I hate and resent it, I have an obligation to survive this. 

Re: How do I get over it?

@DruidChild that makes perfect sense. It's totally okay that you don't like to be touched. I agree I want respect and reasonable accommodations if required too!
It is okay to be sensitive about this.

I'm sorry to hear you're not coping with DBT, it is an intense therapy to do, so I can understand struggling with it. As @Erin-RO mentioned, counsellors train for many years and understand that recovery isn't a straight line. Things happen, sometimes we exhaust all of our positive coping mechanisms so the negative ones slip in occasionally. Please don't beat yourself up too much about this Heart x

Prac sounds super challenging right now. I'm not sure how to help or advise on this one, but I wish you all the best with it Heart

Ps. I've been a mod for a year Smiley Tongue but that's totally okay you didn't realise Heart

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart

Re: How do I get over it?

Thank you for your kindness @Bee, I appreciate it and you so so much! Heart

 

P.s ah I’m so sorry!! I saw your three positives post and thought it was a new thing! My point that you’re awesome at your job still stands Smiley Tongue

Re: How do I get over it?

I'm sorry your prac teacher isn't very helpful, it makes it really hard @DruidChild. And trust me I understand the whole fatigue, self-esteem and people side of things. They can be very draining to deal with both physically and mentally. I think with you're doing a really good job (although I get it may not feel like it) of getting through things. It may feel like you're moving backwards sometimes but it's all about the process. I know knowing that doesn't exactly make it easier to work through but we are all here for you while you do Heart

 

It's fantastic you've been so open with your GP and therapist. Do you find the grounding exercise helps manage the nightmares?

 

 

Re: How do I get over it?

you're very welcome @DruidChild I love helping out where I can Heart

no worries Smiley Happy There's so many of us mods to keep track of Smiley Wink

Remember you're amazing just as you are Heart