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How do you deal with the crippling pain of being alone and unloved

Title says it all really and the pain when ever I see a happy couple cuts so deep and hurts so bad that I want to hurt myself because I know I will never have anyone that loves me and before anyone says my family loves me they let me be sexually abused for 5 years without doing anything so please spare me the bs about my family. They don't care and I'm slipping away because I'm failing to handle life because it seems like never ending problems.
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Re: How do you deal with the crippling pain of being alone and unloved

Hello @Zeraxero,

 

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. 

 

I think in life good and bad things can happen to us. Its normal for bad things to happen and once we accept that this is part of life then its easier to swallow and we will dwell on it less.

Once we accept it then we can try and change how we see this situation. Maybe being single is better, you get to focus on school, hobbies, friends, personal projects, learning, travelling, new language, sports etc. 

And always remember that the only thing that is permanent is change. Things can get better, you can change, family can change. 

 

My advice is to enjoy and learn to love yourself, love your life first then maybe start looking for someone to love. If you cant love or like who you are then you are probably not ready to be in a relationship. You'll focus all your energy in them and not yourself too.

 

Remember there is more to life than just romance/love. There is school, family, friends, career, hobbies, volunteering and pokemon go. When one part of our life is at a low point. See if you can improve on it. If yes, then do it. If no then accept it and dont worry about it (since you can do nothing). And while that is at a low point, focus on other parts of our lives. 

 

Take care and keep us updated.

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Re: How do you deal with the crippling pain of being alone and unloved

Hey @Zeraxero

 

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing with us. It takes great courage to share, and it's never easy. 

 

Following on the advice of @witheverylight, finding out what you like about yourself and your passions in life is pretty important. When it comes to companionship, it can also help you out with finding out what you value in yourself and what sort of companion you'd like to spend your time with too.

 

I agree that it's totally crap when some people reckon that family is one of the key 'great loves'. Not every family is supporting or loving for everyone. Sometimes, our 'family' aren't bloodlines like our friends, workmates, or people out in your neighbourhood. Is there anyone that you can reach out and have a chat about what's been going on for you? Why do you think that no one will ever love you? 

 

Keep us posted - we're always here to chat Smiley Happy

 

 

___________________________________________________
Stay excellent
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Re: How do you deal with the crippling pain of being alone and unloved

It sounds like you've been feeling a lot worse recently @Zeraxero.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you suffered sexual abuse, and that your family was not supportive through that. I read this really amazing book by Judith Herman on trauma recovery, especially for child abuse sufferers. In it, she said that for survivors of child abuse, the absolute hardest thing can be forgiving, or even just living with the bystanders. Sometimes (not always) it's easier to understand the abuser than the people who just stood by and did nothing while you were hurting and small and in need of protection.

 

I want you to know that it's okay to be angry with your family for that. It's okay to hate them for a little while, even! However you feel about them, that's allowed. Even if they love you very much (and most families do), they still failed you when you needed them, and trusting them again after that is huge and really hard - and you get to decide when and how you're ready for that.

 

I'm wondering if you've had any care, like counselling, for that trauma? It sounds like it impacts you very much to this day. Do you think that trauma might have anything to do with everything else you're struggling with - your weight, body image, your relationships? Does it feel connected, or not so much?

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Re: How do you deal with the crippling pain of being alone and unloved

@Myvo The reason i feel that i will never be loved is because i have never been loved nor has anyone ever shown any interest in me. People genrally just use me and then throw me away once ive served their purpose.

 

@Kaz-RO Im starting sexual assualt counciling tomorrow and hoping it goes alright and it might have connected reaches to other aspects becuase i feel i was targetted becuase of my weight and the fact that i was diffrent. My relationships have always been toxic and have had to choose the ones where i got the least shitty deal with people who didnt treat me badly all the time or only ignored me 95% of the time. I really dont know what is connected and what isnt i just feel that its me and all stems from me being me and that it wont get better since nothing ever goes my way and miracles dont happen for me. I believe good things can happen to everyone but i doubt they will ever happen for me as its been a very long time wwith nothing but dealing with shit 24/7.

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Re: How do you deal with the crippling pain of being alone and unloved

Hey @Zeraxero thanks again for reaching out to us, it's pretty tough to talk about his stuff so I'm really glad that you feel like you can share with us. It's a safe space here and I hope that it helps to know that you are not alone. 

 

I'm sorry to hear about what you have to go through and can really see what @Kaz-RO is saying about the anger you might have towards the bystanders. It can be a long journey to love when something so unforgettable and awful happens like sexual assault and I can imagine it must be hard to feel truly loved. From what I have read, you seem very self aware and really seem to understand what you need which is really great, understanding toxic relationships and knowing when something isn't right for you is a hard lesson to learn and knowing and understanding it is the first step towards having healthier loving relationships. You are definitely on the right track, it just takes time.

 

Seeking help takes a lot of courage as well and it's a big deal that you were able to find some support specific to your experience of sexual assault. Please let us know how it goes tomorrow!

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Re: How do you deal with the crippling pain of being alone and unloved

I can only imagine how alone you must feel when you've been so surrounded by people you don't feel you can trust, @Zeraxero. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that.

 

I want you to know that regardless of why your abuser chose you, nothing about it was your fault. Nothing you could have done changes the fact that someone in a position of power abused your trust and took away your bodily autonomy. That is a decision they made. You might already know that, or have heard it before but found it difficult to believe, and that's okay. I just want you to hear it again and again as many places as possible. They may have 'targeted' you, but that does not mean that you were doing something/there was a part of you to make you a 'target'.

 

I really dont know what is connected and what isnt i just feel that its me and all stems from me being me and that it wont get better since nothing ever goes my way and miracles dont happen for me.

 

I can really understand how it must feel that way. It must be so hard to believe that so many terrible things could just happen all to one person, that it could just be luck. And maybe it wasn't luck - maybe one thing left you vulnerable to the next thing, like when a wave knocks you over at the beach, and you come up for air, coughing and spluttering and with water in your eyes, and you can't even see the next wave about to knock you over in time to avoid it.

 

It sounds to me like you're feeling kind of powerless and overwhelmed, like you don't have any ability to change any of the bad things that have happened or are coming your way in the future. I can understand that - after all, in the past, when terrible things happened, you couldn't do anything to fix them. You've found that to be true: that you just have to suffer through it all. I don't want to invalidate that and tell you it's just going to all be okay now. I know that right now, things are extremely hard and finding a way out seems impossible.

 

But I do want to tell you that what I see here on RO is a person who is really determined, a true survivor. You're here, talking to us, an amazing feat of courage. You've survived true hell, and you continue surviving even when things are terrible. You keep seeking help - you're about to start a whole new kind of therapy, which is brave and shows huge commitment to recovery. You obviously have huge courage, huge resilience, and are amazing at keeping yourself safe, just by being here. That is so impressive to me.

 

I really hope your counselling goes well tomorrow. Will you tell us how it goes?