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I Need Help

Hi, I'm a 21 year old girl. I work a full time job and go to school part time. But I have so many debts to pay already that I basically work for free..I can't even afford to put gas in my car myself...I don't have anybody to talk to about how I'm feeling. About how I have been feeling for a long time now and it's destroying me on the inside of course but on the outside as well. This is making my self-esteem and confidence plumit... I don't know what to do or who to talk to anymore...I can't afford a therapist. I cry every day at least once. I'm starting to get chronic headaches at night, and my eye will twitch for a full day from stress alone. I get hungry but can't eat..I have no appetite.. I just feel so lonely. I'm not alone but I feel as if I am. So sometimes I feel better just actually being alone, which coincides with my confidence issues...I don't have any friends, and when I say I don't have any friends I'm not exaggerating. I literally do not have any friends, so I don't really have any way to get my mind off of things. My mom is always in such a fragile state-of-mind that if I tried talking to her about what's going on she'll get judgemental and defensive and upset as if everything is her fault. I hate seeing my mom hurt because I love her so much and I feel as if I play such a big role in her stress it makes me feel like shit about myself. Ive never really had much of a relationship with my father due to the event that took place when I was younger and the fact he's a dying alcohol, I can't bare to even look at him ...my brother whom I am concerned about has stopped eating and is using cocaine while his drug dealers house is the only place he has to sleep. Jobless he's 19yrs old with a baby on the way. He does not respond to me. I have suicidal thoughts everyday..i want to end it..I want to die but I'm scared of what comes next, I'm scared of whether I can feel the pain or if I don't actually die...I don't want to hurt the ones I love....I just haven't been happy in so long I don't know what to do anymore...there's not many options when you're broke. I try to make friends to hangout with and what not but it's hard...I don't go out. I don't like crowds and I really don't feel comfortable around people I don't know. I am a little shy and I absolutely hate that about myself. I hate a lot of things about myself. It's to the point where if you asked me 3 things I actually liked about myself, 3 things I'm good at, 3 things I've accomplished so far? I wouldn't have one answer for you. I have a boyfriend. We were unofficially together on and off since about January or February of 2015. We officially started a relationship sometime this July of 2016. It is very, very rocky. And nothing I'm used to or have experienced it's been very hard for me because I don't feel as if I'm good enough for him. I don't believe him when he tells me he loves me or cares about me, and because of this I do not trust him at all. I'm scared he will hurt me. Like he's just using me and will try his best to just keep me around so he can keep using me until he's where he needs to be finance and mobility wise and find him a girl he actually likes and just throw me away like a piece of trash. It really puts a strain on our relationship because I will bottle these feelings up inside because I know deep down I don't have a legitimate reason to think this way about him..I don't believe I am loveable or am worthy of love. I grew up kind of deprived of that sense of love and affection. No kisses no hugs I never saw my parents kiss or hug we never said I love you to each other..I honestly don't even have a trustworthy bloodline. Growing up I was always the quiet, left out one...nobody really liked me..I was too skinny and my nose was too big... Ive always felt left out and left behind as if nobody even sees me as if I don't matter, I've always felt invisible... I crave the feeling of love and I crave attention. I just want to stop thinking all together at this point...my pain has been emanating inside of me for over a year now, and my greatest wish yet greatest fear is to take my own life. But I can't. I can't do it to those I love. It just makes me even more stressed out and depressed. But I won't keep just typing this all there's too much that has gone on in the past year to write all at once...please reply for more details on any thing I mentioned. I will tell you more, so you can try to help....I know you have your own problems.. I just need somebody to tell me it's going to be okay and tell me how to fix myself.....

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Re: I Need Help

Hey @Kaykay777- there's some really hard stuff in there but first up I'm so stoked you have jumped onto reachout and shared your concerns, this community is very supportive so well done on the first step Heart

 

You mentioned some suicidal ideation, you're so incredibly valued - already you've shown such epic resilience!
Have you attempted suicide in the past? I am worried about how you're feeling right now. Are you safe now? 

 

Your family and boyfriend sound like a challenging situation, have you spoken to your boyfriend about what's happening? Is there anyone outside of your family you trust? 

 

I can relate to a couple of your struggles, debt can be really exhausting. If you're in Australia, there's some free services the government offers on mygov, I'm wondering if you've checked them out? They're a really could start for resource, some of these services are really supportive during financial struggles. 

 

Keep us updated on how you're doing, we're here for you.

 

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Re: I Need Help

Hello Kay Kay, 

 

Being surrounded by family that is dealing with issues of thier own (fragile mother, alcoholic dad, drug dependent brother) must put a lot of preasure on you to be the one to stay strong and be the brave one. But, its okay to not be okay. I know you might feel guilty with that idea of your pain appearing so insignificant in comparison with the rest of your family. However, thats YOUR pain NOT your families or anyone elses so its important to remain compassionate towards yourself. I imagine you might be feeling trapped or helpless in life and dont know what to do but there are some practicle ways of dealing with stress and negative thoughts. You metioned you might not have enough money to access mental services so ill try my best to give you practical advice which you can incorporate into your life. Have you ever heard of mindfullness? its a type of meditaion to help you get back to the here and now.... if you have a smart phone you can download an app called smilling mind that teaches mindullness, here is the link: https://itunes.apple.com/au/app/smiling-mind/id560442518?mt=8 here is a practical sheet on how to do mindfullness: http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/10.MindfulnessinEverydayLife.pdf Progressive Muscular Relaxation is a body technique by tensing muscles on and off to get to sleep faster, here is a practical guide sheet: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/ACF3C8D.pdf Using these practical skills are well and good to keep you above the water but, although scary, you need to talk to a family member or a friend of how YOU are feeing inside otherwise all of the negative energy will build up. sometimes feeings exceed beyond rational wording but Its improtant to be assertive and realistic when communicating. I hope this helped and message me if youd like to chat Smiley Happy 

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Re: I Need Help

@Kaykay777 thanks for sharing your situation with us. It sounds really, really hard. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You are such a resilient person to have kept going through all these incredibly challenging and heartbreaking situations. I want to commend you for reaching out and encouraging us to ask you more questions - this tells me you are very brave and have a strong desire to heal and thrive. 

 

Are you living at home right now with your parents? Do you guys have any other family (aunts, uncles etc) that are part of your life? I'm wondering if there is any kind of other support there. The situation with your boyfriend sounds really hard too. It is perfectly understandable that you have these fears and doubts. Anyone in your shoes would. But you also have really good awareness about all of this.

 

 

You can get counselling support without paying for it. You can call Lifeline at 13 11 14 and Suicide Call Back Service at 1300 659 467. There is also Kids Help Line that you can call at 1800 55 1800. You said you go to school part time, are there any student counselling services there that you can use?

 

Please do write back to us and let us know how you're doing.

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Re: I Need Help

@Kaykay777 Sounds like you've got a lot going on in your life right now and it's understandable you'd been feeling down and confused right now. It's great you've started to open up here. Some great resources have already been mentioned above and ways of getting counselling for free and I'd say any of the above are good options. Do you have a headspace or other youth centre nearby that you can go to for counselling. Also, sometimes if you get a mental health care plan from your GP and can find a Psychologist that bulk bills, you can get a certain number of sessions for free. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I can definitely relate to a lot of the feelings you are having. Remember, no matter how bad you feel, it does not make you and your life any less valuable and don't let your brain tell you otherwise. From what you've shared already I can see you're a strong, brave, wonderful person with a lot of potential and a lot to offer the world. Please keep talking to us here and keep us updated. We are happy to listen and help you. Please stay safe and if you're feeling suicidal please reach out and contact a lifeline or take yourself to hospital or do what you need to to keep yourself safe. You're safety is most important and you are worth it, even when you don't feel like it and life feels too tough. Problems don't always go away over night but life is worth it, things do get better and you can learn how to cope with the tough times. Smiley Happy

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Re: I Need Help

First I would like to thank everyone who has shared their thoughts and supported my topic here. To answer all of your questions, yes Tom, I have attempted suicide in the past. My ex-boyfriend was there to pick me up from the rope. I knew he was there. I guess it was more of a cry for help than anything. I don't know if I consider myself safe. I could get ahold of anything to accomplish this sin wandering around in my mind. I have tried talking to my boyfriend briefly on how I'm feeling or the situations I'm going through but I think he just doesn't understand. He says that everything I'm going through and feeling is my fault that it's me who needs to change...I don't think he understand how hard depression is. I don't think he's ever experienced it like I have his mind works different and he's much stronger than I am. He blames my unhappiness on myself kind of...and so do I...which is why I don't like being me, and I don't want to be me. He kind of tries to make it about him, as if I'm just feeling down merely because of him and that I'm blaming him somehow. He just doesn't put effort into making such im doing okay...state of mind wise.. when he saw this forum earlier he got angry at me, said I shouldn't be telling anyone about my personal life because they don't know me and nobody can help me but me. Then once again turned it into I should be asking him how his day is going and whatever and I'll feel better...I don't understand how that would help me..because most of my problems are due to putting everyone else before myself constantly. I have 4 uncles, 1 lives in Minnesota and does not talk to anyone, I believe he also suffers from depression after his divorce, 1 my family does not wish to associate with he steals money from my helpless grandmother and let's his children mistreat her, 1 lives in the north side of Chicago and I never much associated with anyone on my dads side of the family like that...and the last one disappeared about 6 or so years ago to Wisconsin where nobody has heard from him or his family since. I have one aunt, I do not feel comfortable opening up and showing her my feelings. My whole family, even extended are very out of touch and are not the type to get into their feelings. I do find work to be a get-a-way. So I can think of just work and that's it. The girls I work with seem to notice when something's off and always try to pry me open emotion wise. And tend to make me laugh..I do not speak to any of the girls at school. I started speaking to one until she dropped out yesterday. I only got to talk to her a couple times but never anything in regards to how depressed I am on the inside I tend to do my very best to mask this and I don't think anyone would even suspect unless they have seen me basically hiding. I do not live in Australia. I live in the west suburbs of Chicago Illinois. I cannot access anything for free. I wouldn't even go to the hospital because that would cost my family more than they could even afford. I am living with my parents which makes it even more stressful. I have to listen to my dad scream at my mom while she cries over me or my brother....he being too soft on us, especially my brother. I have to listen to her cry at night while my brother texts and calls her saying hurtful things to her, blaming her for his life being ruined, blaming her for everything telling her he hates her just everything...and my mom will sit there and send me screenshots of the texts as if that's a positive impact on me.....as if I can do anything about it.... I don't know what a head space is there is not youth health care center near me and I'm not considered youth at 21 I am considered an adult and have been since 18. My school also does not provide counseling it is kind of a cheaper beauty school. Thank you again for any apps, medications, suggestions, and positive uptalk. I'm glad I joined this forum.
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Re: I Need Help

Hi @Kaykay777, it certainly does sound like you've got so much going on right now. You mentioned that you've got some close work collegues, is there anyone that you could talk to? It's important to have a support network to be able to help, it doesn't have to be family or boyfriend but can be a work collegue or even a counselling support number similar to what was posted above.  

 

The numbers that have been provided are for Australia, however it's best to find the numbers for the US crisis services. Have them on you and definitely get in touch to discuss how you're feeling, they may be able to also help locate some local services that can help.