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I don't even know...

Okay, so.. First time poster here... I just joined today actually...

I don't know, I just feel completely and ridiculously confused about myself at the moment...


So, as a kid I was always the biggest tomboy and said I  wanted to be a boy... I don't remember if I was actually serious about it at the time or not... But now I'm a 25 year old mum of 2 toddlers, and I still don't feel completely right being female. If I was given then choice, I would wake up tomorrow morning as a man, but that also comes with the mental image I have created in my head, and I know I wouldn't actually look like that if I were to transition... I like to wear girly stuff on the occasion, but that's a rare occasion... 


I guess this is more of a vent? I don't even know what I hope to achieve by posting this, I just have no one to talk to and I'm starting to get kind of depressed about it all. I know my partner would be upset if I talked to him about this, and possibly even leave me... Which honestly doesn't bother me all that much (great relationship right?)


I'm not really interested in heterosexual sex (unfortunately for my partner)........




.... Thanks for reading if anyone did... 

Re: I don't even know...

Hey @SunnyC, welcome to Reachout!


Thanks for sharing how you've been feeling. It sounds like you're figuring out gender identity and sexuality and it's been confusing. I mean, they're complex! There's a Reachout article on gender, sex and sexuality. Are there questions you're grappling with at the moment? 


It must be difficult not having someone to talk to about this, and I can see how it would feel daunting to talk to your partner about it all. Reachout has a list of support services if you'd like to talk to someone about gender/sexuality, for example, over the phone or through online chat. Do you think any of these services might be helpful to you?

Re: I don't even know...

Hi @SunnyC!


It's great that you have shared your confusion about your gender identity on here with us, instead of just keeping it inside. Often opening up and trying to express how you feel can be very difficult to do in a way that feels right, so please don't feel like you are being a spastic! You most certainly aren't! 


How are you dressing currently? Is it in a way that you feel like you are expected to dress? Would there be any consequences if you were to dress in a more masculine way?


If you feel comfortable doing so, it may be helpful to go back to the person you said you wanted to be a boy to, they might remember your demeanour when you said it. 


The most important thing is to keep talking about your confusion about your gender identity with other people, to help you figure what specific issues you are having trouble with, and finding solutions to help you feel better. Feel free to explore the resources in @cupcakes_032 's reply, then let us know what you think/ would like to discuss Smiley Happy



Re: I don't even know...

I feel like I sometimes dress how I'm expected to... I have always been into wearing boys clothes since I can remember. 


These days I wear high waisted pants because I feel like I need to accentuate my waist in public  (recently lost a lot of weight and still struggle with my body image and "looking overweight") 


I know if I ever were to transition to male, I would still probably dress much the same, just not so much high waisted stuff haha... I'm also quite certain I would be more interested in men. The only kind of sex that has ever really interested me is manXman... Is that weird? I feel like that's probably weird...


I actually write stories on two different apps.. They are all manXman.... I tried to write a heterosexual story once, my readers said it was a great story, but I struggled to write it and never ended up being able to finish it, to then later delete it completely...


I probably should just try to get the body I have to a state I like more... I just struggle with the motivation and following through too.


I feel like because I am a girl, I should wear dresses and skirts and have pretty hair, wear makeup... And honestly because it's just what I have done for years, I feel slightly uncomfortable if I were to not? I hacked my hair off the other night, and am now sporting a more masculine cut... I felt weird with it at first, but now I want it even shorter but also cutesy if you get what I mean? 😅 


As I'm typing this, "QUARTER LIFE CRISIS" keeps running through my head 😅😅



Gosh, I feel like I'm just complaining about everything now.. As a teen  I used to hate that I my body and tried to hide it (there was a faze of super girly tutu's and heavy makeup... try hard scene kid...) But now that I have a different body type from having kids.


rant end? 😅😅😅😅😅

Re: I don't even know...

Hi @SunnyC,

It seems to me that you have a very black and white understanding of what a male should be or what a woman should be. We are really lucky to live in a great era where it's not a strictly feminine thing to wear makeup or to wear high waisted pants, nor is it a strictly masculine thing to have a short hair cut!


Maybe it could be helpful to forget the stereotypes for a minute (don't they suck?) and let's focus on working towards a image that makes YOU the most happy and comfortable.


You mentioned you lost a lot of weight, but still were unhappy with how you looked. Do you have a particular sport or exercise that you really enjoy? It might be possible for you to join a free class/group in your area (try that are all trying to get back into shape. Being able to talk to people in real life would make it a lot easier keep up your motivation, and you'll also receive a lot of support and love!


It might also be helpful to take pictures of your body before you start a new exercise, then take a picture after a few weeks of doing that exercise regularly. Seeing your progress visually might help you see how much your body can change with a consistent routine and it would be great motivation to continue Smiley Very Happy 


You could also go online and have a look at some hairstyles that you like, make a little collage and take it into your hairdresser. I think getting your hair to a way that you like will help you a lot with your self-confidence and help you feel happier Smiley Happy


If you feel uncomfortable completely stopping doing things that are "girly" (like wearing dresses or makeup), you don't have to! Wear the amount of makeup that you feel comfortable wearing, and dress in the style that you feel the most confident in. Don't worry about whether they are too feminine or not. If you do, you'll just stress yourself out more and feel more depressed, and no one wants that Smiley Sad


Let me know what you think! xx

Re: I don't even know...

Hey @SunnyC 


Welcome to ReachOut! We're so happy to have you here and thank you so much for sharing what you're going through. Lots of people question their gender identity and expression at some point during their life. This topic actually comes up a lot on the forums so I think you'll find that many people here understand some of what you are going through. We had a discussion about it about a month ago - I'd highly recommend having a read here


It can be hard to be your authentic self when their are social forces that shape the way we view ourselves. I think one of the most deeply embedded messages society tells us is that there is a predetermined path you must walk if you are born with certain body parts. The good news is that gender expression comes in all shapes and sizes and there is a whole community of people just like you! 


In saying that - I understand it can be a scary process coming to terms with your identity and introducing it into your life Heart I'd recommend talking to Qlife if you ever need to flesh this out further with someone. They offer web-chat and also have a telephone line you can reach on 1800 184 527. 


Also just wanted to give you a heads up that I did need to edit your post as there were some parts that went against our community guidelines. When you have time give them a read here.

If you have any questions feel free to ask as well Smiley Happy



Re: I don't even know...

Hi @SunnyC! Welcome to the forums!

I think it's really cool how you write stories. I used to write a lot of stories too when I was younger. Writing can be a great coping mechanism. Smiley Happy

I can relate to feeling like you're experiencing a quarter life crisis. I'm younger than you but sometimes I feel as though I'm going through a Holden Caulfield-like time or like I'm heading for a breakdown. Becoming a parent is also a life transition and events like this can stir up a lot of different feelings and memories.

I think it's really normal to question your gender. Lots of people do. I also don't think it's weird to write manXman because it's really popular and I know heaps of people who like reading it.
One of the main things I've learned is that different people choose to express their gender in different ways and how you choose to express yourself is completely your choice. Heart