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I don't know anymore

Hey, it's been a while.

 

I'm going through a bit atm and i'm not sure what I want, and I thought maybe posting here could either get me a second opinion, or at least somewhere to vent as my friends aren't helping with either.

About 3 weeks ago my gf broke up with me, saying stuff like how we weren't really gonna work out and that she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship at this point in life. This was ok with me, and I knew that it would be tough to handle but it was best for her. We decided to still be friends and have talked a bit since. What's really hurt me is how she's talking to me about how she's moved on, hooking up with other people a week later, and how she is already wanting to date someone else, while i'm still unsure about my feelings about her. This is pretty hypocritical, as in past relationships i've moved on really quickly, however I was so in love with her, and this came as a real shock to me, as we were going fine.

What also doesn't help is i'm currently doing year 12 exams, and that my friends aren't being any help at all.

Previously i've held stuff in, like how depressed my last relationship was, not telling anyone. I wanted to change this as I knew it was negative towards myself and was only causing more damage. However none of my friends care about what i'm going through, and I feel as though that's reflective of how they care about me. All I want to do is vent to someone close and tell them everything and how it pisses me off and how it makes me feel, hoping that it will help how i'm feeling at the moment.

My closest friend, who typically I tell everything to, first asked if I was joking when I said i'd been broken up, and then told me to just focus on exams and study instead of her. I understand that he hasn't been in a relationship before but this actually really hurt me as it made me feel as though he just didn't care, or at least acknowledge me or my feelings.

Another problem is how my ex is still the only one that really cares for me, as she can tell when i'm feeling down and stuff by how I text. I know I need to distance myself from her for a bit but how am I supposed to do that without being rude, especially when I still want to talk to her.

I'm not sure if my feelings for her are still there, I just really care about her and she's also going through a tough time so I don't know how to help and be there for her without making me keep feelings.

I feel as though I've lost all motivation to do anything, especially in exams it feels as though I get in trouble from my parents for doing anything that isn't studying.

Another separate problem from my friends is how they're all going to schoolies without me. They didn't invite me to schoolies, and even asked me what I was doing, and when I said nothing they didn't offer for me to come. I feel like I can't really connect to anyone and that I don't have any real friends.

Oh and how could I forget that my closest friend, with whom I spent their whole birthday with, forgot completely about my birthday, even when they saw me on the day. This actually happened a while ago, and all is forgiven and what not now but I remember vividly how depressed I was over that, that only a quarter of my friends remembered my birthday.

 

In summary I don't know how i'm feeling in any way. I still care for my ex but it hurts when they tell me all about how they've moved on. My friends don't care about me. I don't know how to help myself, assuming time will take its course. 

2020 has been one of the worst years to ever happen, I know it's cliche at this point but it still sucks.

I probably won't respond to anything here for a while, as I have my further math exam 2 in a couple of hours, but any help or second opinion is greatly appreciated, thank you.

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Re: I don't know anymore

Hi @Hello_There , 

 

It sounds like you've had a lot going on lately - I'm so sorry to hear that you and your gf broke up, break ups can be so hard - let alone when they happen right before year 12 exams, after such a full on year. You're right- 2020 has really sucked for so many people, and it sounds like you're doing amazing well keeping your head above water. 

 

It can be really hard trying to be friends with someone straight after a breakup, especially if your ex is talking to you about people she's hooked up with etc, it sounds like that would be pretty hurtful - do you think dropping down contact with her for awhile might help? Or maybe even just saying to her that you're not comfortable hearing about new guys/ other relationships? It sucks that your friends aren't being  supportive at the moment Smiley Sad  What are your plans for next year, if you don't mind me asking? The end of school can sometimes feel a bit weird and disconnected, but I know I found I met a lot of new people when I finished school through part time work and uni. 

 

I hope your exam goes well today! Will check in on you in a few days to see how you're going - there's always people who are happy to chat here Smiley Happy 

 

 

 

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Re: I don't know anymore

Hey @Hello_There, welcome back Smiley Happy Sorry for the long message back to you but I hope it helps.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your friends not being very inclusive in how they've been treating you. I can only talk from my personal experience but I found after high school finished that my friendship group deteriorated as a whole but my personal relationships with a few people became stronger. Once uni starts and you maybe have the chance to do work or volunteer over the holidays you'll likely find ways to make new friends or hang out with new people if that's what you want, so hang in there! I wonder if they really knew that 'nothing' meant that you would have wanted to go even with everything going on in your personal life. Is there any way you could ask one of them about it? 

 

I also wanted to say that it's 100% okay to feel self-critical about how you're coping with this breakup compared to how you've gone in the past, but it doesn't mean your feelings are wrong. You sound like you're confused and were enjoying the relationship, and with everything else going on in your life and with 2020 I can see why you feel differently this time Smiley Sad That being said, I agree with @Janine-RO that it seems unkind for your ex to be talking about herself moving on when it's only been a few weeks and you two obviously were in a very close relationship before. I feel like people process breakups differently, but it doesn't feel quite right for her to talk in depth about how well she's going when it seems that she can tell that you're struggling. I'm not sure what her reasons behind this might be- people aren't simple, but I've often found that it can be to do with projecting something, or she's just not aware that you're still processing things. It could be a good idea to tell her that you would prefer not to talk about things like that, even if you do continue talking regularly- that's a boundary I've put up before and it does improve things. Here's an article from ReachOut about coping with a breakup which has some interesting points about how to handle your emotions but also how to go forward with your ex.

 

I'm also really sorry to hear that your closest friend isn't being as supportive as you want or need them to be. It's so awful and I understand how it feels to give someone a lot of your time and effort for them to not always give it back. It also does sound like there's some hurt there from the past, I don't blame you for still not feeling okay with it even though it's been forgiven, maybe you're not feeling 100% right about it because of what's going on still. Is there a way that you could explain to your friend how you're feeling and what kind of support you'd want from them? I just did some digging for some more articles, here's a page with links to articles that talk about dealing with friendship issues, one of those including how to tell a friend they've hurt you.

 

Finally, I hope your exams all go well- I've currently got one more university exam to go and I'm sure you'll feel like a new person when a bit of the stress is gone and you can focus on yourself again Heart I also hope your parents can give you some space, it sounds like you're doing the best you can. Feel free to let us know how you went and how you're doing!

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Re: I don't know anymore

Thanks Janine.

 

Yeah I've been trying to just not text her as much lately, but with yesterday being her birthday we kinda ended up talking a lot, but I'm going to try and not text her as much for sure.

 

I don't really know, I want to get into Uni and do something in Media (I want above a 60 ATAR) but I keep doubting myself and feeling as though nothing good will happen, but i'm sure i'm just being anxious.

I'm not the best at making new friends or meeting new people but I do hope I meet others there and make new friends.

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Re: I don't know anymore

Hey @StormySeas17, thanks for such a thoughtful response it means a lot to me.

 

I don't want to ask them about it as I don't really like bringing attention to myself, and I think it could make it a bit awkward.

 

As I said in my reply to Janine I think i'm going to just have a break from really talking to them distancing myself, unlike my other ex who was unwittingly still a major part of my life after we broke up (I wasn't fully mentally myself for a while and she said some false accusations against my friend for no reason which was a whole problem where I had to care for them) I don't have to see my current ex daily and I can basically pretend they don't exist. I think I might just distract myself if I ever do think of them.

 

Although I do think I'm subtly still annoyed at my friend I definitely won't be telling them. I'm not really good with confrontation, and they already apologised a week later after my mom talked to theres. I don't think it was the worlds biggest problem that they missed my birthday but with it being my 18th and supposed to be special it did hurt me.

 

Thank you, I'm really looking forward for this upcoming space of no commitments as I won't have exams and won't find out my ATAR for a month. That coupled with potentially getting my license should give me plenty of freedom. I hope you go well with your final Uni exam!

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Re: I don't know anymore

@Hello_There Thanks for replying! I saw you said you wanted to do media- that sounds awesome. Is there any particular part of media that you're really interested in?

 

That all sounds fair, you know yourself best. It's always good to try and distance yourself from people especially if you notice that you feel better without them. Time really does help and there will hopefully be opportunities to work things out with your friend too, even if that just means having some more positive conversations with them in future after exams finish. 

 

I remember the stress of those weeks, I hope it all goes well! And whether it does or doesn't there's always lots of things you can do, whether that be taking some time off to work or to transfer into your degree of choice from another one. Things have a way of working out I find. And good luck getting your license! Can confirm it's a great experience being able to just go and drive wherever to get away from family drama at the very least haha. I personally just take myself off to the beach to wander around when I'm looking to get out of the house. Do you have any other plans for the holidays?

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Re: I don't know anymore

There's nothing really specifically I want to do, I just really love movies and want to be apart of the industry. I'm leaning to something more behind the scenes like scriptwriting.

 

Yeah exams are super stressful, but i'm halfway there now with english and math down. Although I have three exams in two days next week (two of my exams clashed haha) so that's pretty stressful.

 

Yeah i'm really looking forward to just going on long drives without anyone, I've got heaps of CD's for my car that I want to blast.

 

I don't actually have any plans for these holidays, just mainly focusing on study for now. But I would love to go do something I haven't done before, like camping haha

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Re: I don't know anymore

Hey @Hello_There, scriptwriting is such an awesome interest to have. I really love the uniqueness of that. I agree with what @StormySeas17 has said. It may not feel like it but there are plenty of pathways into courses. I remember when I was in Year 12 there was so much pressure to achieve a certain ATAR but once you get into uni, you realise how flexible it can actually be! Smiley Happy

 

Your plans for the holidays sound awesome! I love trying new things, especially when I have some freedom from studying. Best of luck for your next exams Heart Is there any way that you have been able to catch a breath during the exam period?

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Re: I don't know anymore

Oh that's awesome @Hello_There! Have you heard of AFTRS (Australian Film Television and Radio School)?  They run courses to do with acting, screenwriting, videomaking etc. I know a few people who went there and they've loved it! And just sneaking around their website there's a lot of different courses. Definitely suitable for creatives!

 

That's awesome, keep it up! And that's cool with your driving and camping combo, I reckon you could do some great overnight trips that way Smiley Very Happy Maybe go somewhere a little away from the city and look at the stars all night. I've gone inland and to the coast for camping, both are cool in their own way. Just make sure there's warm showers or a river nearby Smiley LOL

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Re: I don't know anymore

Yeah I've been going on skates or bike rides every couple of days, i've always found it helps clear my head.

 

It's so surreal that this time next week I will have finished, hopefully everything goes well haha