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I don't know what my sexuality is

Okay, so please, sit comfortably, this is gonna be a long one.

 

First of all, I have no idea if this is the right place to seek help, and if it isn't, please, someone, tell me where can I get answers for my questions.

 

Okay, so, I'm 17 years old, I live in Europe, so forgive me about my English. Most important stuff - I am heteroromantic, cisgender girl, and I have no idea what is my sexuality. I'm certainly not asexual. I get aroused, I watch porn and masturbate, I feel sexual attraction. The thing is, even thinking about acting on it with anybody scares the crap out of me. I didn't think I had this problem before I got together with my current boyfriend, that would be six months ago. We went further than making out a couple of times, but stopped before anything serious happened because I was uncomfortable. He thinks I don't love him and pushes me to have sex, and I have no idea what to do. Doing sexual stuff I do in the safe space of my room is fine, but I get an anxiety attack every single time I think of doing that with my boyfriend, or with anybody I've ever felt sexual attraction towards. 

I am also struggling with social anxiety and depression, and the emotional connection my boyfriend and I have is practically the only thing that makes me get up every morning. I can't imagine breaking up with him, but the way he pushes me is unbearable. I tried talking to him about that, but I'm not sure what I even feel or want, so what is there to explain to him?

At the beginning I thought I am simply too young, that it's too early and it's gonna come with time. It got worse after a while so I thought that maybe I am simply sex repulsive, but that's impossible because I watch porn and it does turn me on. I've never seen anybody with a similar problem, that's why I'm so lost and helpless. I simply don't know what to do.

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Re: I don't know what my sexuality is

Hey @dontforget thanks for opening up so much about what you're going through. Sexuality can be a hard thing to talk about! I really feel for you, it must be hard loving your boyfriend so much but at the same time being put under pressure to prove your love to him through having sex. 

 

Everyone has the right to choose to have sex when they are comfortable and feel ready, regardless of age. It makes total sense that you feel safe to explore on your own and in the privacy of your room - that is actually really normal and healthy. You seem to know yourself very well, so trust what you feel and think about the situation. 

 

It sounds like right now you're looking to take things slow and that is 100% okay. Do you think you could tell your boyfriend that? 

 

Also, just letting you know that we are going to send you an email - so look out for that. 

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Re: I don't know what my sexuality is

Hi @dontforget Heart thankyou for sharing so much of yourself with us. I want to start by saying you are not alone, because of your bravery in speaking out, I bet there are people on here reading your words thinking hey that's me too!! I even have a friend of mine that is going through something similar, so please don't think there is anything wrong with you or that it's not normal to feel confused or not ready to have sex. 
It sounds like the pressure from your boyfriend to have sex is causing you horrible anxiety and grief, do you think that the special bond you feel you have with your boyfriend would allow you to talk openly and honestly with him about how you're feeling? Hopefully the emotional connection you share with him will mean he understands and respects how you're feeling, because nobody should feel pressured to have sex.  
It's okay to not be ready to have sex just yet, it happens at different times and ages for everyone, and you can feel ready for masturbation and porn way before feeling ready for sex, it's a big step. Also, I see you've said you feel anxiety about sexual acts with anybody, this could be happening because you are associating the anxious feeling you get when you think about sex with your boyfriend to sex with others. Im sorry to hear you're feeling so confused and helpless, but hopefully you can have a talk with your boyfriend about how you're feeling and it can ease some anxiety. 

Also there are a few articles about sex and sexuality here on ReachOut if you wanted to do some reading on the topic..
We're here for you! Heart

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Re: I don't know what my sexuality is

@Bre-RO , @Jane_Rose . Thank you so, so much for your kind words, they mean the world to me. Maybe you're right and the answer for my problems is as simple as taking more time... You really cheered me up and encouraged me to talk with my boyfriend when we see each other after the quarantine. Please, know that you both gave a lost soul a little bit of hope they desperately needed.

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Re: I don't know what my sexuality is

@dontforget, that has actually made me smile, that is what ReachOut is all about. I'm so happy we could help you in some way Heart let me know how the talk goes! All the best. 

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Re: I don't know what my sexuality is

I have the biggest smile on my face after reading your message @dontforget Smiley Happy I'm just wondering if you happen to see our email to you? 

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Re: I don't know what my sexuality is

Hi @dontforget, I'm just checking in with you to see how you're going? Did you get an opportunity to communicate your feelings with your boyfriend? Hope you're well! Heart