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I don't know what to do

Hi, 

I am so sorry I have no idea how to post properly reading through this I just rambled and I'm really sorry if it doesn't make much sense. I just have no idea what to do and was wondering if anyone here has any advice if you have time?

Heh so around couple of months ago I think one of my friends tried to 'do it' with me. Like its not that big of a deal all he did was touch my arms and legs and sort of kiss my arms (i dont know if its kissing if its on the arm i dont know) and nearly push me down but that's not the worst thing that could have happened so yay!

I kind of overreacted afterwards because I would never have expected anything like that to happen with him like i had no idea he was even into that sort of stuff. But I should have handled it better while it happened. 

I mean I reacted badly by just laughing it off the whole time and just saying 'it was weird' plus there was a movie going on the whole time to distract me. I really hate myself for it because i just agree to things i don't want to do for some reason and I think it would have gotten to 'that' stage if I hadn't gotten my phone out. The whole time i was thinking 'just say no' or 'stop' or just signal some sort of non-consent but I didn't do it for some reason. 

Anyways I have been managing to not think about it because i thought he would have gone to another country (for uni, i read online that you can get an exemption if you're staying for over three months for important reasons shouldn't uni be one of them?). I quit my socials so I wouldn't have to talk to him. The point is I thought i would never see him again so i could just focus on school + home + other pressures

But it was only recently that I found out he was still here and was going to go to my school for some event. i got worried he would talk to my friends to the point where i had a stupid dream about it. but i was going to plan for it until i bumped into him even more recently and talked for about a minute until I saw someone I knew walking by and left to talk to him. I feel bad for using that person as an escape I think I made the conversation awkward by just interrupting his walk. 

Anyways the point is i will probably have to see him again because of the event that still hasn't happened yet. I don't want to see him again and I also don't want him to get near my friends. I'm worried he might turn up before or after the event so I've been pretty hypervigilant at school in case he showed up again. I've told all my friends with my phone number to under no circumstances give it away to anyone. I'm also worried that I'll agree to something I don't want to if I see him again. I have no idea what I'm doing and I have a bunch of assessments all next week and I don't want to think about this then as much as I am right now. 

Re: I don't know what to do

Hi @chicanery, first of all I want to say sorry for what happened to you with this person. It can be really frustrating to think back on an event and what you could have done differently. I think in the moment you did all you could. Don't beat yourself up about it- you weren't the one who initiated the situation in the first place either, so the blame is not on you.

 

I know how it's really difficult to think that you can avoid someone who makes you uncomfortable and anxious and to find out that they're still there in your life. How did you handle it when you ran into him again? Did you feel okay? Did your escape plan work in a practical sense? Could this help you to feel more confident about possibly seeing him at the event?

 

It sounds like you've formed a really good plan and have a good support system who is there to protect you! I'm not sure what this event is, but if it's a social event and you have thought about this so hard, it's probably less likely that you will do anything you don't want to on impulse? Sometimes I find that it does help to set yourself a firm boundary of what you will and won't do, for example, if you don't want to see this person, you can always decide to turn away from them or leave the room with friends when they come too close, or decide on something in particular to say if you do have a conversation with them and it goes a way you don't want it to go. Leave your plan at that and don't try and think of every possible scenario because you'll go crazy. From my experience of having anxiety, generally the thing you're most afraid of happening when you have to be at the same event as someone you're trying to avoid actually doesn't happen, it's often somewhere in the middle with a bit of discomfort and awkwardness but not enough to ruin the event when you're with people you like. If it is that bad you can always leave- there's always a way out! 

 

In my experience what helps me when I've got something that I'm really worried about and have assessments or other things on at the same time is just occupying myself with my to-do list whenever the thought comes up. If you're like me and struggle with thinking about it at bedtime, I also find that imagining what life will be like after the event and how it won't change much in the long run helps. For example, a friend who was very toxic last year has asked me to hang out with him and another friend for some unknowable reason later this week, and honestly while I'm sort of dreading the experience I'm just thinking about how I won't even be worried about it a week after the fact, it will just be a weird memory. I'm not sure if this helps, but take care of yourself right now first, and stay safe!

Re: I don't know what to do

Hey @chicanery, I think @StormySeas17 has given a lot of really really fantastic advice for you and I also think it's great that you've been able to come up with a plan to help you feel more safe and secure. I did want to ask quickly that about how you mentioned that he might make you agree to something you don't want if you see him again. Is it ok if you elaborate on this a bit? Did you just mean that you might feel uncomfortable again because you won't feel confident saying no to him, or did you mean something else?

Re: I don't know what to do

Hey @chicanery , 

 

You've been given some great advice here, I just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling today? 

 

I also wanted to echo what @StormySeas17  said, I'm hearing that you have quite a bit of self blame about what happened - it's really common to freeze up and find it hard to react when something unexpected like this happens, it's often something we don't have a lot of control over, and it absolutely doesn't mean that anything is your fault Heart 

 

I also just wanted to check, how old are you? 

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