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I don't know what to do

Last night while out with my friends, I had a breakdown and got into a really dark place in my mind. I left the pub by myself while not allowing my friends to walk me home and not answering phone calls or messages I received. All I kept thinking was, I don't want to continue trying to be happy, trying to act that everything is alright all the time. I just wanted everything to stop. By the time I reached home, I was totally alone. I was hurting internally so much that I went to hurt myself. I had never hurt myself before but I couldn't bring myself to do it for a but while I was on the bathroom floor, crying. I didn't hurt myself enough to cause injury, but it was just enough to make a mark. 

It wasn't until this morning that I realised that I had scared a lot of people last night and basically spent the majority of the day, trying to tell people that I'm ok. I have avoided my housemates all day because I'm to scared to face what they are going to say. 

Things like this, happened at least once a month but I struggle to ask for help when I need it most. I hate feeling hopeless and useless. I hate feeling like a burden to my friends, family and other people around me. 

Re: I don't know what to do

Hey @CookieBee, glad you've reached out to us Heart

 

Firstly, just a heads up that I've edited your post as we like to avoid mentioning details around self-harm (you can check out our guidelines here Smiley Happy)

 

It definitely sounds like you're stuck in a pretty dark place right now, huh? I've been there, and it's never a nice place to be Smiley Sad

 

Struggling to ask for help is really normal. So I really want to emphasise how awesome it is that you've posted here, because you've now taken a huge step towards overcoming those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness!

 

You mention you're avoiding your housemates, which is totally understandable given how you're feeling, but unfortunately these things tend to get more awkward and stressful the longer you drag them out. It sounds like they really care about you and want to help. If talking to them is too hard, could you write them a note? Or send them a message? I know you don't want to be a burden but I really doubt you are. Our brains are great at convincing us that we're burdening our loved ones and they'd be better off without us, but the fact that they are reaching out to you shows otherwise.

 

Here for you Heart

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No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish

Re: I don't know what to do

Hi @CookieBee

 

I'm sure you're not useless, I'm sorry you feel like a burden to your friends and I'm also sure that's not the case. It sounds like you have wonderful friends that care about you. It's okay be scared or embarrassed to face your house mates, happens to me too. 

 

Don't be afraid to ask for help, there are people that dedicate their lives to helping those in need mentally. Do you have any ways of expressing your emotions before you reach the breakdown stage every month? It seems like once you get to that point it's really hard to control yourself so it's best to avoid getting to that point. 

Re: I don't know what to do

To @lokifish & @LeoTheLion

 

I've been battling with what I think is depression for about 6 years now. The reason why I say I think it's depression because that is what I got diagnosed with during 2012 but haven't been re-diagnosed since then. I find it extremely diffcult to open up and ask for help which is why I try and battle through my dark times by myself. I'm afriad to completely open up as I'm scared of the dark things that lurk in my mind which is why I push them away and try to forget about them.

I haven't gotten professional help as I just don't know where to start. 

Re: I don't know what to do

Hey @CookieBee, I can see where you're coming from - opening up about all this stuff can be really scary, right?

We're glad you're here and willing to share some of what's been going on with RO.

In terms of where to start, is there a headspace near you? That could be one option, but I'd say one of the best things to do would be to speak to your GP because they could then direct you to a psychologist. What do you reckon about that option?   

// Spiral outward, keep going. //

Re: I don't know what to do

@CookieBee it can be an absolute minefield trying to figure out where to start with getting help, so I don't blame you! What do you think of @letitgo's suggestions?

 

I know it may all seem a bit overwhelming, so in the meantime, would it be helpful to chat about some ways of coping with these feelings? Heart

 

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No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish