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I don't understand what's happening

I think objectively I've been doing a lot better (I'm better than this time last year at least) but things are still really, really hard and I don't know how to fix them. I'm scared. I'm really really scared Smiley Sad 


I was going to make a list but everything in my head is so swirly. I have constant intrusive thoughts. My anxiety is high. My mood swings over and over again in a day although it's reasonably okay. People hurt. Hurt and hurt and hurt. Eating is easy and then it's hard and then it's easy again and then it's even harder. Sometimes my thoughts go too fast and people say that's called being well but I don't like it not at all. I don't like who I've become. I don't like how this feels. 


I am small and soft soft soft and I can't stop biting, rocking, humming, tapping. I feel like a very small child. 


Please help? 




Re: I don't understand what's happening

Hey @DruidChild I'm sorry that you have to go through this but it's okay to feel like this. People have mood swings and it's perfectly normal. Some people have faster thought processes and that's perfectly fine. Have you thought of ways to lessen your anxiety and perhaps the fluctuation of your appetite?

Re: I don't understand what's happening

Hey @DruidChild recovery is a long journey and it can get pretty damn tiring! Is there something we can do to help you i guess rest a bit? It seems like you're feeling pretty stressed about what's not happening or continues at the moment, is that about right?

Re: I don't understand what's happening

Thank you @SkyIsTheLimit and @Ben-RO 


Are mood swings normal? It can be really intense. This afternoon I was super happy and 'up' because I got to see my favourite friend and then I saw that she hadn't messaged me just now and I've dropped I'm so so so sad that it physically hurts. Do most people feel like that? 


For the anxiety I'm going to talk to my psych because I might be jittery because of going off a sleeping medication that has a sedation effect. I use breathing exercises and I know a lot of CBT stuff for anxiety but I need to get better at using the skills Smiley Sad 

With food appetite isn't really the problem, it's more that I try to fast a lot to lose weight and feel in control and clean but then I end up stuck in a bingeing/purging cycle. I'm trying really hard to use my strategies but it's hard. 


@Ben-RO I don't know, I'm sorry. A lot is happening and it's very very stressful in general right now but it's the emotions I can't get a break from. I'm either thinking really fast and loud and there's so much to say I have to physically mouth the words and I hate it hate it hate it or else I'm low and sad or else I'm super pissed off and angry. The only break is when I feel numb and completely empty and that's not very nice either. 


Yeah I'm stressed and I'm scared and everything is too loud too fast too much Smiley Sad 


Re: I don't understand what's happening

@DruidChild people do get mood swings, sometimes they're intense and sometimes they aren't. We can't really control them as we can't really control our emotions. It's good that you'll talk to your psych to talk of ways on how to lessen your feelings of anxiety and in time you'll get better at using your CBT stuff for anxiety.

fasting them bingeing can actually negatively affect your health. Have you tried talking to your doctor about ways that you can safely lose weight? it may mean that you just need to focus on building muscles and burning away excess fats? I know it's hard to lose weight i know I've been trying and I just end up eating more in the end.

it's better to tackled things one at time to prevent yourself from being overwhelmed. I think you are a strong individual who is trying to get through all of this! I believe in you! Smiley Happy We here at reachout are more than happy to help you and talk to you!

Re: I don't understand what's happening

Hey @DruidChild I definitely get where you are coming from with bingeing/purging I used to do a similar approach when I was a teenager. Definitely have a chat to doc/butterfly foundation if you can. Something that really helped me eventually was shifting my perception of self whilst I worked at becoming a healthier/fitter individual, because feeling good about ourselves physically requires work and time and I it can be so painful when we just don't feel right. It could be good to start focusing on positives about yourself just as a starting point. For me, I started with my eyes. It was the only thing I could find but BOY was it helpful, every morning when I started seeing myself through this negative lens, I would say "but ya know what, those eyes!"... It sounds silly, but bit by bit day by day the resistance goes and you feel better. Have you tried anything similar for yourself?

Re: I don't understand what's happening

Thank you so much for your support @SkyIsTheLimit Smiley Happy


I just find it really scary the idea that I'll have mood swings all my life. That the way I feel now is how normal people feel all the time because honestly I think I preferred the constant depression.


Yes! My counsellor is AMAZING and I'm so lucky to have her Smiley Happy 


Yeah I'm aware of the health risks. My gp doesn't think I 'need' to lose weight. Mostly I want to because I want to look sick enough that men won't touch me anymore and paradoxically because I think if I'm really really thin I'll be loveable. To lose a safe amount of weight safely I would probably just need to exercise more but motivation is hard. 


Thank you you so much Smiley Happy I really appreciate that you're here and want to help. 



Re: I don't understand what's happening

Thanks heaps @Bree-RO! Smiley Happy Sorry I didn't see your response before I posted my last reply. 


Yeah it's a nasty cycle hey, My gp and my counsellor both know and are trying to help. 


I've never tried that before, honestly the idea scares me a little because I want to be loveable but I don't want to be attractive ever ever because then someone could touch me again in bad ways again. But I do like the idea of finding positives - even just trying to find positives about the idea of eating or of having regular meals. 

Re: I don't understand what's happening

Hmm yes I hear the perspective you are coming from, kind of a protective approach for you.. But yes if you could find even one small positive, and just get in the habit of acknowledging that positive - I would be so keen to hear the shift in a months time! Smiley Happy Heart @DruidChild

Re: I don't understand what's happening

I'll try to work on finding positives about eating tomorrow @Bree-RO Smiley Very Happy Thank you for the suggestion!