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I feel like I'm giving up

I don't really know what to do at the moment, to be honest. My heads a mess, my life's a mess, I'm a mess. 

I found out last week that my best friend had killer himself. He had killed himself a week before I found out, we hadn't spoken in about a month, I didn't but have internet, he was busy. And I feel so guilty. I remember just breaking down, falling asleep, then by the next day, it was like I had snapped or something. I was laughing, smiling, numb. I didn't know what to do, but I was 100% sure I didn't want my mum babying me or for her to pity me. I didn't want to talk about it, so I've been making such a huge effort to appear fine. But I don't sleep, and when I do, it's 100% always nightmares. I wagged all my classes at school, I'm arguing with teachers, but I'm smiling and laughing at home. I just couldn't deal with my parents and their shitty attempts to make me feel better ( aka, being nice for ushally one day then being so rude and angry I break down) but I can think straight, nothing feels real. I don't want to be here, I constantly am angry and constantly feel overwhelmed. When my councillor asks how I'm doing, I tell her fine, because I'm tired of pointless appointments that go nowhere and having to go ever week only to leave so disappointed. I'm tired of callin out for help and being ignored, or belittled. So i stopped asking for help. But I'm losing it, I don't want to be here. I don't want to talk to anyone, or tell anyone, but I just want to scream and cry, but I can't, I'm so numb, but so overwhelmed it's destroying me. What can I do? I feel so alone and I can't even put words to half of what I feel, but I'm a goner 

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

Hey MishaCollins, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, its such an awful feeling to find out a loved one has passed, and its that much more difficult and confusing to find out that they took their own life. I just want to let you know that I am here for you, and I'm so glad you've come to vent to us today. I completely understand the feeling of not wanting to talk to your parents about your emotions, and you don't have to talk to them about it if you are not ready. But they love you and are here to support you during this hard time in your life, even if they are not sure how best to do that. Perhaps you could ask your parents about seeing a mental health professional (such as a psychologist) outside of school? If you don't feel like you are making progress with your school councillor, a different person may be able to help and have a better rapport with you. You don't have to pretend you are fine for everyone else's sake, its completely normal to not be feeling fine in this situation. Do you have a friend or teacher at your school that you are close with? You may feel better discussing some of these feelings with them. If you urgently need to talk you can also call Lifeline Australia (13 11 14 is the phone number) and you can talk with a phone councillor straight away. Instead of making an effort to appear fine, focus your energy on yourself so that you can process this experience and begin to heal. Make sure you are eating and sleeping well as well as getting enough sunlight and exercise. In times like these, our physical health can fall by the wayside and that can feed back into our mental health and make us feel worse. You can get through this! We will take it one day at a time Smiley Happy You've made some really good progress today by coming on here and talking to us, and even though its difficult you have managed to put some of your feelings into words. That's a really hard and important step, so please keep going with that! I will be here to support you Smiley Happy -MissX

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

Hey @MishaCollins it is definitely completely okay to feel everything you are feeling. Grief is a huge shock to the system. Guilt is a super normal part of the grieving process too, makes total sense you are getting no sleep. Really feeling for you and sending you as much love as possible through the screen.

 

Would you consider seeking support outside of school with a counsellor of your choice?

 

I am concerned about some of the language you are using about your own life, are you feeling safe yourself? No thoughts of suicide? We're here to listen. Heart

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

Thankyou for your support @MissX Smiley Happy I see CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Service) outside of school, but it's the same frustrations and feeling like it's pointless. One of my biggest issue with telling someone I need help, is that I physically can't do it. And I've tried explaining this to so many doctors and phycs before, but whenever I try and tell someone what's going on, my brain shuts off and it's almost like my frost closes up or I don't remember how to speak that I get so frustrated I just say 'I'm not okay.' But then that leavens me frustrated even more because I want help, but I'm not getting the right help at the time because I can't say it, and then it feels like no one cares even though I know I didn't even properly tell anyone the problem. Also, I feel so ashamed everytime I reach out, mostly because of parents and the stufftheyve said and done in the pasr, it makes it really hard. I don't have any friends I trust, I don't trust a lot of people, most people actually. I get really really paranoid about what people are saying and doing behind my back or that there's always some alterior motive when they do something, it makes it really hard to let myself get close to people and more often then not I push people away unintentionally, until we stop talking. It's a disaster Smiley Sad 

but, honestly, talking on here has actually been quite helpful, and I do feel a bit calmer and I'm thinking a little clearer so thankyou so much for helping me out here Smiley Happy xx

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

@Bree-RO thankyou very much for your love and support, I appreciate it x 

 

to be honest, I am feeling pretty suicidal. I think I will make it through tonight though, talking to you guys has made me think a little clearer ❤️

 

I have been seeing a councillor outside of school, but I've been too ashamed to open up as I'm scared of being pushed aside or ignored again. Im frustrated at myself, because I want help but everytike I try and ask for it, my brain shuts down and I change topic. It's making me really pissed off at myself, and the whole situation . I don't feel comfortable enough to be upset at home, without geting anxiety about my parents yelling at me or worse, so that's made it 10x worse :////

 

again, thankyou for your support, I appreciate it x

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

@MishaCollins It sounds super hard, I really hope you get to a point where you feel comfortable to open up. You deserve the utmost support through this time.

 

Keep jumping here on RO and chatting to us Smiley Happy We're always here to listen.

 

I just want to loop you into an amazing organisation called Compassionate Friends (confidential service). They have drop in centers and also an after hours phone line you can use, they're an incredible service and everyone there has lived experience of grief. Click here if you want to check it out Smiley Happy 

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

You're welcome @MishaCollins Smiley Happy feeling like you can't talk to anyone sounds very frustrating! What is going through your mind when you have these moments? In the past, I often left psych appointments feeling like I didn't say everything I wanted to, so I began writing an ordered list of what I wanted to cover and I found that it helped me a lot. If you feel like you can't get the words out at all, you could even try emailing your psych or councillor a list before your appointment so they can help you talk about the things you'd like to say. You could also just completely write out what you are feeling, and bring it in to them to discuss. 

 

You are worthy of being loved Misha. You don't have to get super close to people right away but the next time you find yourself pushing someone away I want you to remind yourself that you are worthy of their time, attention and love Smiley Happy It can be hard to trust people because it puts us in such a vulnerable position and I totally understand that uncomfortable feeling. Its tough to get past it, but if you go slowly and call yourself out when you begin to push people away I think that you can get past it!

 

I also want to mention that its quite common to have suicidal thoughts after the passing of a loved one through suicide. I am glad you are disclosing them to us here, but it would also be a good idea to mention them to your councillor or psychologist and they can help you work through them. Lifeline which I mentioned before is also a great resource when you are struggling with suicidal thoughts. But I am glad our messages can help you feel a bit more calm and clear, I will continue to be here to send my love and support to you!

 

-MissX

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

hi @MishaCollins and welcome to RO 

well done on reaching out as it can be very hard to do. 

please dont be embarrassed about reaching out. how long have you been seeing your current counsellor? would you consider changing? 

also its ok to speak up and say i dont find these sessions are helping me, is there another method that we can try. 

you cna also go in there with one topic in mind say the nightmares and say you really want to work on some strategies for those as your struggling the most with those

its really hard though, ive been through 5 therapists and sometimes the first one we go to isnt suited to us and we dont feel like they are a good match and thats ok, you are able to chat to another one. 

also some helplines to help are headspace and kidhelpline as well as lifeline and suicide call back service. please if your feeling really overwhelmed, have sh urges or suicidal thoughts please ring them or go onto their webchat as they can help you faster than what we can help you here and they are also mh professionals who are well equipped for these type of thoughts ok... dont be afraid Heart 

 

keep chatting here too, we are all listening Heart

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

hi @MishaCollins 

just wondering how your getting along?

**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**

Re: I feel like I'm giving up

Thankyou all for your continuous support, @scared01 @MissX @Bree-RO  It's been helpful to know y'all are out there for me x 

Merry Christmas on another note! I hope y'all are doing well! 

 

Ive been struggling a lot, I tried something reckless last week but in the end my family were supportive and tried to help me work through it. It's still a really uncomfortable situation, and I still don't feel comfortable bringing it up or talking about it in front of them but it has helped a bit knowing they are there. 

 

Christmas is a hard time for many reasons for me, so I always get extra depressed/stressed around this time so that's probably not helping either