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I feel like I've failed and hate myself for it.

THREE apologies, first. I have written stuff a few times before but need detailed one, secondly it's long and third some of the language is a bit extreme.

I feel like I get worse and the year goes on and on.
2014 was a horrible start, I had wanted to join the Air Force for a long time. I was declined because of my Diabetes and started the school year lost and confused. I had no clue what the heck I was doing. Starting the year confused and scared of making your presence known was a horrible decision

I felt like trying to boast my self confidence after a particularly awful 2012 and 2013, where I was basically sneaking around the school and trying to be invisible, I remember the school wanted to hang artworks I made for school events and have me film events because a teacher found out I liked video production. I refused both thinking "no goddamn way, I just want to get through the day without making my presence known".

This year I decided to end the fear of being judged or ridiculed, I decided to be more active and let people know that I had improved since 2012 and 2013 and was ready to be involved. But I think I've done to little to late, I feel inadequate and like no one at school cares about what I do or me. I feel like the reports about me are bullcrap hyping me up I don't feel like they describe me at all.

I never put myself first and tell myself any positive things about myself, I say "Yeah I'm a pretty worthless person at the end of the day, be myself? I have and where has it gotten me?". I feel weird and different but not in a nice way.

And when I think back I've been like this for a long time a few things I did. All of these are fear or self denial or shutting down abilities I've been complimented on

2012- Refused to let the school hang up two of my artworks for the school centenary, declined being part of a Drama performance, didn't bother auditioning for the school production.
I also won an award at presentation night, I remember the girl before won 3 or more and here applause was extended. Then I was called up and almost no one clapped. It was awful and humiliating

2013- Won an award at a school presentation night but didn't go to receive it. ( read above).

Honestly I don't know what to do anymore, I feel worthless. Anyway to look at it different? Am I really just shy or does it sound worse than that?
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Re: I feel like I've failed and hate myself for it.

Hey @MemphisBelle,

 

You have a lot of insight into what's happened to you over the past couple of years. You identify things you did that you're perhaps not happy with (like not letting your school display your artwork). But my question to you is... what will you do next?

I think the question at the end of your post is a very important one - "Anyway to look at it different?" I would suggest to you that the answer is yes. You could say  - due to feeling down about myself, and being afraid to stand out, I didn't go for it and let people see what I could do, like my artwork. In future I'm going to do things differently. I want to do this. I want to work on feeling better about myself. etc. You can't change the past, but you can let it help you make different decisions today and in the future, if you let it.

Here's a really easy place to start. Check out the Everyday Life forum, choose a conversation in there like Three Positives of Today, or What are you looking forward to. And post in it. That's all. Do something small and positive for yourself. Reckon you can do that?

 

Cheers,

blithe

 

 

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Re: I feel like I've failed and hate myself for it.

Maybe... I did one of the postivies of Sunday.

But I still feel like if I try to do it now it wont work as I feel like Ive pretty much cemented myself in hiding. Im just scared ive made terrible choices for my YR12 HSC. I chose Visual Arts and Drama (back when i used to enjoy them) and those are the subjects which someone who has anixety shouldn't be doing. I'll be back tomorrow morning, talk soon
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Re: I feel like I've failed and hate myself for it.

Hey @MemphisBelle 

 

Glad to hear from you again. I am sorry that you feel that things aren't improving. No need for apologies!

 

It's never too late to get involved with your school community! I only got things going during my last year of high school and did the best that I could. It's not about whether you've made a huge impact for others but rather you feel that you did your best.

 

You've said that you don't really do self-talk and feel a bit weird about it.  I reckon that feeling weird and different in a not nice way says that you really feel that there's good in you. And there is! Continuing on to say all these horrible things about yourself sounds like it's not helping you at all. 

 

Although it's fair to be afraid of what other people think of you, it wanes over time. You should focus on what makes you great, rather than focusing on the negativity. Being recognised with your artwork and receiving awards is amazing! It is important to know that you have these for a reason, regardless of what amount of applause you get. 

 

Whether you think it's your shyness or 'something worse' is up to you to find out. You may find some of this info on overcoming shyness and how to be more mindful as a starting point. Have you thought about visiting your local GP to receive a referral to a psychologist? You've told us before that you've also had a go at contacting Kids Helpline and eheadspace - have you been finding them helpful? 

 

Stay strong and let us know how you go. 

 

___________________________________________________
Stay excellent
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Re: I feel like I've failed and hate myself for it.

@Myvo Sorry for a late reply, I've seen a GP. It was concluded there was no need for medication at all. He did recommend I see a youth psychologist though.

 

Kids Helpline have been helpful. If you want to read more about what's going on recently I've written a ton of stuff here

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Re: I feel like I've failed and hate myself for it.

Thats fantastic news! I hope everything works out well for you and remember you can always come back to reachout when you need to.

 

Kel

 

 

Re: I feel like I've failed and hate myself for it.

@Kel 

Hey there, headspace is going fine. But I'm still finding staying happy very hard at the moment though. I have serious worries about going into Year 12. I feel like I don't want to go the graduation assembly or the Year 12 formal. I feel like I would regret it.

 

But I go back to headspace on the 14th after the Christmas break

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Re: I feel like I've failed and hate myself for it.

Hey @MemphisBelle,

It's great to hear that you are giving Headspace a go. Keep up the good work!

 

blithe