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I genuinely hate myself for being gay and it hurts.

So basically I'm gay.

 

I'm 17 years old in senior year and I have a strong hatred and disdain for my sexuality. Though it isn't always on my mind, occasionally I'll come across a homophobic remark or content which will cause me to brood on it and burst my accumulated bubble of stress slowly in the form of anxiety(Even once a panic attack) which lingers on my mind and even at time causes chest pains. 

 

Though I personally hate it, it hasn't really affected my social life like I've seen it do to others. I have dealt with severe stress since I was young and while I'd bottle it, I became very good at it. I am generally a social butterfly, I'm able to socialize and befriend a wide variety of people making me a pretty neutral and known person at my school. I'd like to say I'm a nice person, sometimes too nice, making me easily susceptible to get involved in toxic relationships. One of these were with a close friend who I was very close too, he was one of the two people I came out too. However he became increasingly toxic overtime often humiliating and even abusing me in front of others for what I think was to make him feel better about his own insecurities. Eventually I got tired of it after he insulted my dead mother and tried to fight me. This caused arguments and me ignoring him, long story short he ended up outing me to both a mutual friend, and my sister. Thankfully after talking to them they agreed to be silent.

 

Since I was young I have dealt with severe stress, my father had cancer when I was in 4th grade, when I was 12 I watched my mother die, my sister had attempted several suicide attempts in our teenage years. Not to mention throughout middle and highschool I did atrocious in school, even now my grades are a sight for sore eyes. I apologize for the sob story, I don't wish or need for pity, I just wanted to give some insight on my life, through all of that, I bottled everything in, not once have I talked to people and the one time I did talk to a friend I was later outed. I used to take my stress out violently in my early adolescence, now I simply take walks. Now tying this into when I found out I was gay, that was just the small needle needed to burst my ever expanding balloon of stress. This past year or two I have often found my self in the midst of suicidal thoughts, I've often thought of it, even daydreamed of it. Despite this I don't ever act on it, never. Because while I feel these dark feelings, I also realize that I would hurt those close to me, that I would hurt my family who've already taken so much damage immensely, make my friends devastated. 

 

While I feel that I would hurt those if I dare acted on any dark thoughts, there is also the tiny, dark, and creeping fear of my sexuality. I fear that my friends would leave me, I fear that my peers who respected me would no longer treat me the same, while I know my family would accept me, I still feel a disgust within myself I feel as if I've disappointed them already. Lately I've started to come more to terms with it although, it's shown more in my questionable and flamboyant fashion and stylistic choices, even in my attitude, I've had friends ask if I was gay. Despite this I am still afraid to cross the final line, I hesitate actually coming out because there are still people I care about and love having around who I know wouldn't accept me. Not only this, I used to not mind it but after deep thinking, the mere thought of gay sex by theory disgusts me to be quite honest despite the fact that I love and am attracted to men, muscles and all haha. I'm sure I will get over this though. I apologize for this damn near essay, I don't even know if I can call this a call for help, maybe it's a rant? If I wanted I could go on and on forever about this stuff like about my toxic ex and so forth. But yeah if you actually take the time to read this, thanks.

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Re: I genuinely hate myself for being gay and it hurts.

Hi @Kami3, thank you so much for your post. It's really brave of you to share your story with us. Just giving you a quick heads up, I did make a very small edit to your post towards the end - no big deal, but making sure that all of our younger users can read posts safely Heart

 

It seems like you are dealing with so much right now, particularly with regards to your mental health and your sexuality. You did briefly mention suicidal thoughts - I'm wondering whether you are seeing a professional about this? Whilst you don't appear to have any intention of carrying out any actions, I think it would still be a good idea for you to have someone you can talk to in a completely confidential way. If you're concerned about confidentiality, that is something you can talk to them about to help you make your decision about whether this would be right for you.

 

I know that many people can relate to not feeling comfortable about their own sexuality. This is an ongoing struggle of mine, and so I understand how much pain this can cause. One thing that has helped me is reminding myself that I am not defined by my sexuality, and that it's one of many things that make me who I am. I should also say that I am not out to most people, because I can't face the reality of not being accepted by people I know.

 

I hope that helps you a little bit. Please know you're not alone Heart

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Re: I genuinely hate myself for being gay and it hurts.

Hi @Kami3

I really wanted to echo the support that @mrmusic has given you tonight. Unfortunately, while there have been big progressions in how sexuality is seen by the general public, we as a society still have a very long way to go. One of the worst side effects of this, is that as society learns and grows, often those who are disenfranchised are the ones who feel the burden of this the most. I am so deeply sorry to hear that you are struggling with your identity at the moment. 

 

Suicidal thoughts can be really scary and extremely distressing to us, especially when they seem to sneak into our subconscious without us necessarily wanting to act on these thoughts. Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, and thinking about death or dying can be a way our brains handle the pressure. It's almost like an imagined "time out" even when we consciously know that dying is not what we want to do, and is in fact a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

It might be a good idea to get into contact with some professionals about how you're feeling. Have you ever spoken to your GP or a psych about some of the things you mentioned in your post?

Again, I am extremely glad you found this community, and I hope you find comfort and acceptance here Heart

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Re: I genuinely hate myself for being gay and it hurts.

Hey @Kami3 

 

I just wanted to check in with you, to see if you've had a chance to read through the support here. 

 

We're really feeling for you, it's so hard to go through life, whilst not feeling okay with who you are. We have an article here that talks about understanding your sexuality - it sounds like you have worked out a lot about yourself, on your own. There are a few subheadings in the post I think may be particularly helpful to you. From the heading  "Do I have to "come out?" on wards - I'd be keen to hear what you think of the tips there. 

 

Know that you are not alone in this struggle and there are people who can hold your hand through it Heart  

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Re: I genuinely hate myself for being gay and it hurts.

that's bad, i feel bad for you man 9Apps VidMate VLC