I hate myself and feel pathetic and unimportant

[anonymousgirl101]

I only have 2 close friends and one of them has ditched me for her boyfriend hardly ever messaging me while the other I turned down to be in a relationship with them so they don’t talk to me as much. I don’t click with anyone else I know and I feel like such a loser that doesn’t deserve anyone or anything. I’ve always felt like that, I can’t see myself as a person with a life of their own, the idea of ever being in a relationship or having my own house and living my own life feels so wrong to me and I don’t know why, I constantly feel like the supporting character or someone in the background in a tv series. I find it so hard to be myself which is why it makes it so hard for me to click with people because of my past habit of hiding myself from the world and appealing to whoever I’m talking to so that no one rejects me. I feel like such a loser because I never go out drinking, I don’t hang around with my friends, I never do anything like that that’s apparently fun for a 19 year old, and maybe I would feel better if I had other stuff going on like hobbies or interests that made me be atleast somewhat interesting and likeable but I never do anything but work at my boring casual job and then watch movies and videos online. Nothing interests me. I have my P plate driving license but driving still scares me and I can’t imagine myself ever getting confident enough to drive everywhere without freaking out let alone book appointments, move out and generally be an adult. I hate myself and I am so ashamed that I’m this pathetic.

[Bree-RO]

Hey @anonymousgirl101 thanks heaps for sharing this, it sounds incredibly painful and I want to let you know this community is always here to listen.

Firstly, a lot of the elements of your post that you hate about yourself I find to be quite awesome. In fact I have many friends who don't enjoy drinking, going out, and LOVE a session on the couch watching back to back movies/tv shows. It sounds to me like you've got some low energy people in your life who just aren't on your level. You are not alone with this. Many of us experience times in our life where there's no one around because we've had to clear out some people that just don't vibe with us. I promise you there are so many people out there who are emotionally available and enjoy all the things you do (in your age group!). The key is finding them and that is most definitely the hardest part. Outside of your casual job are you interested in anything - studies, sport, volunteer work? Also you mentioned you hate yourself, that's really strong language - is there a reason why you feel so poorly about yourself?

I am going to tag some of the crew for their input too. We are here to listen

@scared01 @Bee @litgym @N1ghtW1ng @Asche

This video is awesome too.

[anonymousgirl101]

Thanks for the reply, i don’t know why I hate myself, I guess just for all the reasons I listed really. and the other day I tried to google a really long list of hobbies so that I could write any down that might be interesting that I could try, but non of then appeal to me becuase I feel unmotivated and lazy all the time, the only thing that kinda interests me that I have always had an interest in is drawing and making art. I’m still struggling to get motivation again for that too because I continuously feel preasure for my art to look good when I draw things and I also struggle to have a drive and purpose to do it. I was thinking about maybe doing community work but because I plan on going to uni next year I feel like doing that is a waste of time and that If I want to do something like that I should just get another job because I need more money, but the idea of that worries me as I don’t want it to colide with my current job.

A guy at work today asked me what I was doing on the weekend and I said I don’t know and that I have a movie ticket voucher that I might use before it expires, he asked if I would go alone, and I said yeah maybe, and him replying with a laugh. I’m not sure why it really bothered me him laughing like that, it felt like a wake up call and I couldn’t stop thinking about it the whole shift. I backed it up saying that all my friends wouldn’t want to spend money to go to the movies because they are trying to save but I knew myself that I wouldn’t want to take them anyway and that I would much rather take my mum or something, but I didn’t say that. It just made me feel like such an idiot and loser for saying I would go alone when he said he would probably be going over a friends house tonight for some beers and have a 21st on Saturday night.

[annabethxchase]

@anonymousgirl101 I think it's truly fantastic that you googled a list of hobbies (That in itself is motivation!) Try your hand at drawing or art again & remember that no one else has to see it & it doesn't have to meet any expectations if you don't want it to. The guy doesn't sound to nice, it's completely fine to go to the movies alone! Sometimes you might need a break. Thinking of you!

[litgym]

hey @anonymousgirl101

im glad to hear that you’re interested in drawing and art ! @Bee loves colouring in so she might be able to help as well ! maybe you could make a goal to draw 1 thing each day to give yourself some motivation ? i would like you to check out these threads Three Postives of Today and Self-Love Songs. I find listening to my self-love playlist makes me feel more motivated.

im sorry about that guy, that’s rude of him maybe you could try and make some more friends from work or something ? it is perfectly fine that you don’t like to drink and go out ! hugs❤️

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @anonymousgirl101, I can hear how low you are feeling about yourself at the moment. From what you are saying, it sounds like you are trying really hard to feel better and get involved in some activities. Others have made some really great suggestions but I thought I would give you the link to some services if you want to talk to someone. There is eheadspace and Kids Helpline which both have telephone and web-chat services. Headspace also has locations that you can visit to receive support if one is near you 

[yazz528]

Hello, glad to see that i'm not the only one going through this. I am in the exact same position as you. I don't have many friends and i wouldn't even call them close friends because we hardly talk outside of college. I put in a lot of effort in trying to get to know people but they hardly put any effort in me. Its sad isnt it? I don't see anything that wrong with me for people not to want to spend time with me. I understand people have there own stuff going on but it's not hard to drop a message. My only close friend would have to be a guy and that's about it. if it wasn't for him i wouldn't have any emotional connection with anyone. I know if i didn't have him it would very hard to get by because i click with him but i know he isnt right for me because we argue so much and hes not good in a lot of aspects. Please don't feel so alone in this situation and i can understand how tough it can be when you see other people out having fun and have that special bond with someone. You start to feel so left out and alone. There really isnt a quick fix and its not easy. For some people making friends just comes naturally to them. Im 26 and i don't even have a so called "best friend" i also find it very hard to be myself around a lot of people. Don't give up and tell yourself that it is what it is and don't waste your time and energy on things you can't change. Yeah you might think youre a loser and that no one enjoys your company but it could just be the people youre associating with. They are probably just too caught up in there own life and don't need new friends. It could be anything

[Bree-RO]

Hey there @yazz528 will send you an email soon Keep an eye on your inbox.

[anonymousgirl101]

Thank you for replying, I’m sure I’m not the only one but it feels a bit better hearing someone else say it, I actually live in country Victoria so we couldn’t be further apart unfortunately hahah. While I’m still struggling and not hanging around with friends much, I’m not minding it too much surprisingly, I think sometimes I get a random burst of emotions that can be set off by either realising or feeling like I have no direction in life, or feeling lonely and hearing about all the cool things other people are doing, it can make me feel like I have nothing going for me. I really hope you find some people you really click with and so you don’t have to worry about putting much of a mask on. I have met plenty of people at my work and ushually at first I have my guard up but depending on the person and how open they are with me, I don’t feel a need to have a mask on when I talk to them after a while. So I’m sure if you met someone who was genuine and kind and did want to get to know you cause you had some common interests, you would find things will come more naturally rather than you having to put all the effort in to see them.
Also I’m not sure if you would be interested, personally I’m not that interested but have you considered signing up on a penpal site? Just an idea to possibly talk to people and make friends from anywhere in the world. but non the less, I know how it feels and you’re definitely not alone like you said.