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I have NPD and I don't know how to help myself...

I've only used reach out once before and this is my first ever personal post, so here goes

 

I'm an undiagnosed NPD individual, if you don't know what that means, simply its when 'narcissistic traits' become pathological, and that when I tried to be honest with a psychiatrist about my condition, I couldn't open up fully to him and he diagnosed me with mild depression and recommended I get a bunch of blood tests that ALL came back healthy... 

 

In any case, I'm at a loss for what to do with my life. I have diminished empathy and have a hard time making connections with people that go beyond the superficial. I do have a support system, my ex-girlfriend, and she tries to help me the best she can but I don't feel like I can rely on her (very narcissistic I know.) It's not that I don't think she wants to help me, but rather that she has her own issues and gets sick of me and my negativity, attention seeking, inability to cause lasting change to my behaviour, etc. 

 

I find a significant amount of my time is occupied by fantasies of my own sexual attractiveness as well as negative fantasies of hurting people I should care about. I'm unable to truly trust people, I often find myself idealising and demonizing my friends and family on a basis of the last thing they did to me that I remember. I find entertainment in controlling people and making them do things that they wouldnt do without my suggestion/manipulation. I also lie pathologically, and spend unhealthy amounts of time looking in the mirror. In saying all of this, the only "thing" I find myself contempting more than others who I perceive have slighted me is myself, my thoughts and my body. This is by far not an exhaustive list either... 

 

I don't really remember what life was like before I had NPD, so these toxic behaviours are all that I know. 

 

If someone has an experience like mine, as a (kind of?) self aware pwNPD, or someone with experience with people with NPD, I would love any advice right now... 

Re: I have NPD and I don't know how to help myself...

Bc I unintentionally made my own topic I guess it would be a good idea to say this:

 

If you have a similar experience, please share it here! I will do my best not to judge haha... 

Re: I have NPD and I don't know how to help myself...

Hi @afriendwithweed! Welcome to the forums!

I think it's really brave for you to come forward and reach out with this. Personality disorders can be really stigmatised, even by mental health professionals, and a lot of people have trouble recognising that they have toxic behaviours. I have heard of NPD and I believe I have known people who might have undiagnosed NPD. They act similarly to how you've described yourself. I know that a lot of people tend to distance themselves from people who they think have narcissistic traits, and I have done this too, so it's good that you have a support system.

Is your psychiatrist able to interview you for narcissistic traits? I believe that personality disorders are usually diagnosed through interviews, usually after the person is at least eighteen years old. Maybe it's worth seeing another psychiatrist who can listen to your concerns. It really helps to have a professional who is able to take us seriously. You could go back to your GP and ask for a referral to another psychiatrist. I think it's also a good idea to let a healthcare professional know if you are willing to change your behaviour. Psychotherapy can be useful for this.

I have heard that some clinics run support groups for people with personality disorders so that could also be something you could ask about.

Re: I have NPD and I don't know how to help myself...

Hi @afriendwithweed 

 

@WheresMySquishy has already come up with some great ideas, but I'll just add one more: 

 

This website is a directory of Australian psychologists:

https://www.psychology.org.au/Find-a-Psychologist

You can use the filters to find people who do personality assessments, and those who work with people with NPD.

Re: I have NPD and I don't know how to help myself...

I am trying to be honest about my condition, which means not prettying up what I'm thinking as I type it. I appreciate your responses a lot, I was worried my question might be buried under people with more socially acceptable mental health issues. 

 

I do think stigma can be good for some things, if people with NPD, ASPD, BPD, etc. are left unchecked we might never be put into a situation of forced self reflection like I was and seek out support, but I do appreciate the validation... 

 

To answer your question, yes I could and have been thinking about booking another interview with a psych. In the topic post I mentioned that I actually had a skype interview with a psychiatrist from Brisbane, and his findings were not very interesting. I believe this is because I went into the interview believing that a diagnosis that came from regular conversation and his questions (which were focused on a childhood and adolescence I have very little memory of) would be more authentic and would validate my illness to myself. My only *real* problem with getting professional help is that I live in a rural town, and the only way to get a hold of a psychiatrist is to book an interview months in advance... I booked my previous interview last November and only saw him at the start of April. I will try booking another interview, and being more open in it. Thanks again. 

Re: I have NPD and I don't know how to help myself...

*edit* premature post (idk how to delete...)

Re: I have NPD and I don't know how to help myself...

I just checked out that link and found a psychiatrist between 50-100kms away that offers services for personality disorders and psychodynamic therapy, I didnt even know a service like that existed, so thank you.

Re: I have NPD and I don't know how to help myself...

@afriendwithweed yeah, I've wondered about the deleting thing too, I think that there's something about it in the "feedback" section.

And yay! Hopefully that's helpful in some way. Smiley Happy