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I'm A Closeted Bisexual

For four years I have been a closeted bisexual, and it is suffocating. I first fell for a girl in year 5, at this time felt very confused as I wasn't aware that this was acceptable and I remember exactly thinking "it's like I want to be with her but she's not a boy". She moved schools at the end of the year and I never saw her again. I later liked another girl in the middle to end of year 6. I knew at this point what being gay and bi was, yet I refused to accept this was me because I had various Christian friends who were very homophobic. I indirectly suffer from their abuse till today with sentences of "gays are disgusting" and "gay marriage should be illegal". I only finally accepted who I was in year 8, and I remember the moment exactly. The girl I liked at the time was my best friend, and as we were laughing together she playfully lifted my chin up to look at her and the desire to kiss her then almost consumed me. Since then I have learnt to simply acknowledge the thoughts such as "she's so cute I can't breathe" rather than hating myself for it (at least more than before). Despite the fact I still feel suffocated by this secret, the fact that a few months ago I wouldn't even share about my sexuality online shows I am progressing. Hopefully when I'm older I'll find a boy or girl (preferably) who will accept me for who I am, and until then I must just wait. 

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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

Hey @Blurryphaced, thank you so much for sharing your story with us here, that was really brave of you. I hear how much progress you've made in accepting your identity - those are huge, amazing steps and I'm proud of you! 

I identify bisexual too right now, although mostly I like girls. I can totally relate to the feeling of 'she's so cute, I can't breathe!' That's a sweet way of describing it Smiley Very Happy

 

I'm sure that in the future you will meet many people who accept you for who you are. Have you considered looking for an LGBTI youth group in your area? Or perhaps coming out to someone who you trust, like an accepting sibling or a favourite teacher? 

 

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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

Welcome @Blurryphaced!

Thanks so much for this incredible post - it put a genuine smile on my face Smiley Very Happy

I agree with @DruidChild that you're being incredibly brave and awesome for embracing your own identity. It can be hard to learn to accept parts of ourselves, especially if they contradict what we've been brought up to believe is 'right'. One of my best friends is bisexual (and is now in a long-term relationship with another girl) but didn't feel comfortable 'coming out' until after we'd finished high school. It can be really hard to be an individual in high school (everyone just wants to fit in) but I promise the world does get better as you get older Heart

Do you have any friends that you feel might be a bit more accepting of your sexuality?
______________________________________________________
No human being, however great or powerful, was ever so free as a fish
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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

hello @Blurryphaced and welcome!
i too think its really brave to share your story and its awesome how accepting you are of your sexuality. Im Bi as well and havent come out yet. its difficult when your around those who arent accepting or have trouble accepting it/not sure how to act when you come out. i am sure that when your older or even while your in school youll find someone who loves you for you
**NEVER be afraid to ask for help because you're WORTH it!**
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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

@DruidChild Thank you for your response Smiley Happy Honestly, joining an LGBTQI group would be amazing and bring a great feeling of freedom and acceptance. unfortunately, I have no way to get there apart from asking my mother to drive me as I live in an area which is too spread out to walk from my house to town. This poses issues as I'm not out to the fam yet and I have doubts (with reason) that they will be accepting. Later this year though, I will be old enough to get a driver's liscence so hopefully I'll be able to drive myself then Smiley Happy

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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

Hey @Blurryphaced, i just wanted to say thank you so much for your post. While you may not be in the place where you feel like you can express it at the moment, it's great that you have shared your story with us and i can guarantee you that you're not alone in how you're feeling.

The best piece of advice i can give you right now (s super clique but I promise you that it does get better. Coming out in high school is such a scary thought for a lot of people, and often because they have peer groups that can be pretty unaccepting (like how you described). But i can assure you that in environments like university, or even just out of high school, the world tends to open up a lot and become more accepting. my uni actually has a rainbow flag outside of our student union building, and a bunch of LGBTQI groups! I think when people get out of high school, it's a lot easier to feel more comfortable in their own skin. This isn't everyone's exact experience, but i can definitely say that it was for me and a lot of my friends.

It sucks that you live in a space where you can't join an LGBTQI group. just a thought -- have you tried seeing if there are any online ones? Obviously we are all super accepting here on ReachOut, and if you wanted to start an LGBTQI chat thread in our other sections then i'm sure that you'd have heaps of people ready to chat with you about their stories! But if you'd like to search online too, I'm sure that there will be plenty of options Smiley Happy

Let me know how everything goes <3

-BoM
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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

hey me too bro. 

i came out to friends like a year ago and kinda am in a sort of relationship with a girl (im a girl btw) my sister knows but its so hard for me to talk to family coz we really dont get along. its so hard but when you tell someone it feels so great like the biggest weight is lifted. do not be afraid! if someone doesn't accept you for who you are YOU DO NOT NEED THEM!

good luck...

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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

Another semi-closeted bi person checking in here! I can definitely relate to your feelings of confusion and being unable to accept your sexuality when you're young, in my school LGBT rights was never really mentioned and it was just kind of accepted that being straight was normal and anything else wasn't.  

 

I think it's really great that you have managed to express yourself online and I hope you can continue to find other places that you feel comfortable being yourself in! I know that for me I never fully accepted myself until I was around 16-17, and even then I never openly expressed my attraction to other girls until I was 18 and living out of home. 

 

I really second @basketofmonkeys's insight that uni is MUCH different place from high school and in a ways it is a lot more accepting, plus because unis are so big it makes being discreet about your sexuality much easier. At my uni we have tons of people who regularly hang out and go to LGBT events but are not out to their families/other friends; uni can be a really great place to find your niche while also maintaining as much privacy as you need.

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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

i think its harder coming out as bi coz you have to expain it. black and white is easy to explain but being in a grey area is tricky. 

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Re: I'm A Closeted Bisexual

hey,
i'm in a really similar situation. it's great that you were finally able to accept your feelings and realise that they were natural instead of blaming yourself. i also think it's really cool that you felt comfortable enough to share your story online, even if you're not quite ready to share it otherwise (which is completely normal- i'm in the same boat).
as someone who is also in high school and can't get around without someone to take me, i think looking for support online (like this) is the best way to relieve some of suffocating feelings. i'm new here, but there are other great resources life qlife and twenty10 that have really good services if you ever need to talk to someone.
i also think it's really amazing that you can see and acknowledge your progress. there is definitely no pressure to come out or tell anyone how you're feeling, and it's important that you do everything in your own time. that being said, if you feel like your feelings really are suffocating you, it's important to reach out, not necessarily to someone you know, but maybe to someone online or even a professional if you feel you need to.
finally, i just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. i know it made me feel more like there are people out there going through the same thing as me, and that it is completely normal to feel this way, so thank you xx