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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

Hey @Bre-RO @Janine-RO @WheresMySquishy @MB95 @drpenguin 

This is both an update and a bit of a talking about how I'm feeling. 

First, an update on how I'm going with getting an appointment with headspace. To put things quickly, I ended up getting declined because they think the headspace service isn't the most appropriate for helping me. Even though at eheadspace, they recommended me to use the headspace service. It's disappointing but I'm starting to look again for options. 

To give more context into what I've been going through. As of the past few months, I've been going through some really negative thoughts that continuously tell me that I'm a horrible person. When looking for adult content, I found some. At first not really knowing that there could be unethical and exploitative material. But as I've done my research I found that what I saw wasn't really okay. And so I tried my hardest to report as much as I could find because this was content that I found for the past few years. 

But the thing is, is that I know for a fact that there is more out there. But I do know that I don't want to look for more but I know that the farther I fall down the rabbit hole the more stressed I'll be and that it'll be hard to get everything. And that I have been doing as much as I can do. And then my mind immediately goes you're a horrible person. You aren't doing enough. But I know through talking to someone from eheadspace that I have been doing as much as I can. That this is a huge expectation that my mind is expecting me to fulfil. It will be tough for just one person to just take down all the problematic content there is on the internet. 

These are some of the negative thoughts, that I can go through daily. Where they're telling me simply that I'm not doing enough, that I'm a horrible person for not looking for more on the internet. 

I get intrusive thoughts as well, but I think they're a bit too personal for me to talk about here. I've talked about them through eheadspace and they've helped me find ways to diffuse the thoughts but it doesn't help me understand where they've been coming from. That's mainly one of the main reasons I want to start talking to someone face-to-face but as of now. 

Thank y'all once again, I honestly couldn't've done this without your help. 

Also a question mainly for @WheresMySquishy @drpenguin or anyone else playing Pokémon. How do y'all feel about the latest Pokémon direct?

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

We really appreciate the updates @ApplesRoses and it's great to see you are comfortable being vulnerable with us as I know how difficult it can be. I'm really sorry to hear headspace was unable to assist you, did they say why? Like do they suggest speaking with someone more qualified or something? I hope they were able to give you some suggestions for where to go for support! In the meantime, like @Janine-RO said - please feel free to turn to us for support. Feeling alone in this only amplifies things, so don't forget you have us until you find someone to connect with, and even then we will still be here Smiley Happy Just don't give up. It's hard to find the right professional but once you do, it'll truly change your life so hang in there! 

 

As for your thoughts, I can totally relate to feeling like you're not doing enough but like you said yourself you're doing as much as you can and it's too much to take on as one person. So try to focus on what you are doing and not on what you're not doing, if that makes any sense? You're only human. So please don't beat yourself up over it. You sound like a very caring person so be kind to yourself too and try your best to focus on the positives ❤

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

Hey @MB95 

The main reason they most likely couldn't help me is the fact that I had previous connections with that headspace in particular. So it would be complicated for them to handle me which is unfortunate, but I'm trying to find a way through it.

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

@ApplesRoses  I'm sorry you didn't get an appointment with headspace. Smiley Sad That sounds incredibly frustrating.
Would it be possible to ask them to refer you to other services? Depending on where you live, there may be other services and clinics that specifically provide psychological services for young people. Here is a helpful tool which can help you find services in your local area. Alternatively, you can use this APS tool to find a psychologist with experience in treating a particular issue near you.
I really admire your desire to improve your wellbeing and make a difference. I think that you have shown incredible maturity, especially in reporting the exploitative material. Heart Unfortunately, sometimes we can be our own worst critic and it can be hard to be compassionate towards ourselves. Smiley Sad
Something that personally helps me when I have negative self-talk is to think about what I would say to a friend going through the same issues, because we tend to be more kinder towards our friends than ourselves.

To answer your question, I am happy that Nintendo are releasing new content for Sword and Shield. I had a feeling that they were going to do that due to the lack of legendary Pokemon and locations to explore post-game. Although I would obviously prefer it to be free or included with the base game, I think that releasing an expansion pack is overall better suited to me than purchasing an enhanced remake. The only problem is we are running out of space on our microSD and probably need to upgrade to one with more storage by the time it comes out, and we would have probably moved onto other games by then.
I was actually saying to my family a week ago before the Nintendo Direct announcement, 'Wouldn't it be cool if they remade the second generation Pokemon Mystery Dungeon games with HD graphics and cutscenes?' Having played the originals, I would prefer that they remade Explorers of Sky instead of Red and Blue rescue team (although I liked playing them too), because the second generation of games had a better story in my opinion. But the rest of my family is excited for the remake so we will probably get it. Smiley Happy

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

Hey @WheresMySquishy 

Thank you for messaging, and for providing the resources to help me find a professional. As of now, I've just been taking it easy while also looking for professional help. Smiley Happy

 

But I was also wondering if I could also talk about how I'm feeling as of now about my thoughts and feelings. As of now, I've just been going through some negative thoughts still. And I can't really find anyone to talk to apart from the forums. So I was just hoping to talk about it here. 

This thought is similar to the one that I posted a few days ago, but as of now. My mind is just giving me this huge 'what if' about the whole situation. Here it is, what if some hacker gets on to your personal device. Sees that you used to see shady content, tries to use it against you and really you're just a horrible person. And I try to combat that by saying. Well, if someone does find that you've looked at shady content and tries to use it against you. You can just remember that you have been trying to report the shady content, you have been making the effort to report this shady content that you saw and that you've just been doing the right thing by reporting it. 

But it just keeps hammering on and on about how I'm a horrible person for seeing that content, even though I know for a fact that when I was looking at that content. I wasn't really of the fact that there could even be exploitative content. And once again, my mind just likes to keep reminding me of how I'm not doing enough. Even though it's quite a hard job for anyone to do on their own. I'm just feeling a bit stressed but I do know that once I do get it out there, I'll feel a bit better having y'all talk to me about this.

I'm just really glad I don't have to go through this alone, and that y'all are so comfortable (hopefully) with me talking about what I'm going through. It means a lot to me ❤️

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

Hi @ApplesRoses,

 

You are always welcome to talk through your thoughts and feelings when you need to- we will be here to listen Smiley Happy It takes a lot of courage to share your thoughts and feelings, not an easy to do! We really value your trust in this community with every post you make Heart

 

It sounds like the impact of seeing the content on your computer has really had a big impact and brought on a lot of stress. The "What if?" cycle can be really tiring, and I'm hearing that your mind has been running over these thoughts quite a bit Heart How did it feel to put the words down in writing? 

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

Hey @Jess1-RO 

To be quite honest, I felt a bit better after writing it down. Cause at least people can now see what's been going on and try their best to help. But sometimes it can just feel horrible just ruminating across these thoughts despite already having them hopefully over and done with. I also felt a bit more relieved as I was writing this down, because (not really being aware of what I was doing) I was already writing down reasons as to why that would be a bit over the top and a bit irrational. 

I still get these thoughts amongst other and I do try to work them out but they're just sometimes a bit tough and scary to go through. I have strategies in place as mentioned before. And I've recently started getting into journaling. I'm currently working through a few days I've missed out on and today Smiley Happy

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

As of now, I'm just having a bit of flight anxiety. I'll be taking my first solo flight and I'm so worried that something's going to happen. And that I won't be able to deal with my problems if something does happens. I know it's a bit irrational but I'm just very worried.  

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

You have so much strength within you which continues to shine through in your messages which I think is amazing!!

It's incredible how you are able to recognise your thoughts and process what needs to be done. I know it's so much easier said than done, but the fact you're able to recognise and think of solutions is awesome! 

 

I'm so glad to hear you've started journaling - do you find it helps? I find it's something that helps me, especially if you just write and don't think about what you're writing. It can work wonders if you're willing to be open to it! 

 

There's nothing irrational about being afraid of taking your first solo flight, that's a huge step and I think you should be proud of yourself for taking it! If you don't mind me asking, what are you most worried about? Like what do you think is going to happen? 

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Re: I'm just feeling anxious and alone

Hey @MB95 

This'll be touching into a new thought that I've gone through. 

I'm just worried that the plane will crash and that I won't be able to talk to someone about my issues. But I've talked to an eheadspace clinician just then and they've helped me through one thought, and I might talk about the other here. 

While looking for adult content, I found one that I did it to. But then a few months later I found that I could've been looking at something questionable. And is related to a kink that doesn't have a good rep. It's none of the really bad ones. But I reported it and then I've been worried that I have that kink even though I know for a fact that I'm not into that. Though my mind is just repeating that you're a horrible person. It's one of the things that mainly made me want to go to a professional because I know that I do need help with my consumption of adult content.