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I need some advice

I had dated this guy for nearly 2 years, we broke up nearly a year ago. But we still have hung out nearly every weekend and during the week, we have spoken everyday on the phone. We both want to try and work it out but everything is bad. He treats me like its all my fault and he never did anything wrong, he wants me to change to become someone he can love and I want to I try but I feel like that means he doesn't love me? He calls me mean names and gets violent HE NEVER PHYSICALLY HAS HURT ME THOUGH. He has thrown stuff and hit me with pillows put of anger and a few times he has left bruises but never anything bad. I love him and want to be the person he can love. But its hard. He is a sweet sweet man he is a lovely person and he has his own issues but he wont admit and wont get help he has bad anger and it makes me mad that he thinks only i need I change. I am insecure and has low self worth and he says i have to be more confident but he is always putting me down stripping every ounce of confidence i ever had. I was always worried about him cheating but not through sex but as in falling for other girls, he always lied about talking to girls and that is what made me worry but he would always get made at me for asking. And if i ever found out the truth and would confront him i would be the one in the wrong and he would flip it back on me. I'm sorry this is all over the place i just need some advice on wether o should keep trying or if i should call it quits completely. I love him and i need advice on how to get over it and move on if that's the best thing to do, and if i should stay how should can i become someone he will love?

Re: I need some advice

Hey @belle2607


You have taken a huge step in reaching out to us and telling us what is going on for you. For that, we are thankful here at ReachOut.


I am sorry to hear that this is happening to you and can see how hard it must be for you to make a decision about what to do about your situation. Whilst your story is uniquely yours, there are some things that you have mentioned that I too identify with.


Whilst we cannot give you advice on what to do, we can offer you some information to help you make an informed decision.


So I guess I’ll start with the part of your story that I can relate to. When you mentioned that everything is your fault and no one else is to blame, but not only that, having every ounce of self-worth stripped off you to the point in which you are questioning who you really are. Yeah, those are not nice feelings to experience. But just know that like you said, it isn’t your fault and you are a strong person for sharing your story. In fact, this is actually a form of abuse and you can read all about it on one of our fact sheets.


I know that this is a lot to take in right now (I had to have it pointed out to me as well), but just know that you are perfect the way you are! Whilst we are not a counselling service, I would like to suggest that you do talk to a professional about what is going on for you. You can access such a service via 1800 RESPECT. Which can be done via phone (1800 737 732) or web chat.


You are an amazing, courageous person. Please let us know how you go



My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned and that's okay. ツ

Re: I need some advice

Hey @belle2607 - 


First of all, welcome to ReachOut! We're glad you're here, even if the circumstances which brought you to us are awful.


And they are awful. You do not deserve what you are living with right now. I can't tell you enough times how much you deserve respect and care in all your relationships, but especially in intimate and romantic ones. You do not deserve to be treated this way by someone you love or loved. 


I noticed you really wanted to stress that he's never physically hurt you. At times like these it is so natural for people living in abusive situations to want to kind of excuse the person abusing them. Part of the abuse pattern is for the abuser to tell us that we deserve the treatment or make us feel like it isn't really 'that bad' and we're overreacting. They might even tell us that no one will believe us if we tell them about the abuse.


I want you to know that isn't true. He doesn't have to have hit you for this to be unacceptable behaviour. He doesn't have to have caused you severe physical injury to be abusive. He has threatened you, manipulated you and scared you, and I promise I am not overreacting, or taking it out of context, or reading your words more severely than you intended them. Everything you've described, even at a very low level, would not be okay. It would still be hurtful and harmful, and you have clearly been harmed by it. It worries me a lot that you're describing bruises and other physical damage. I'm wondering whether you are safe right now? Are you safe at home from physical violence?


I'm also wondering what you mean when you say you want to 'become someone he can love'? How do you feel about yourself at the moment - do you feel worthy of love and care?


Please do follow @stonepixie's excellent advice and call 1800 RESPECT for some 1-on-1 counselling. They specialise in keeping people in your situation safe and they can be a really fantastic support for you right now. No matter what you decide, we are right here for you on RO.

Re: I need some advice

Hi @belle2607,


Ive told this story before. 

Once there was a little boy at the cinemas, he wanted some popcorn so he went to the popcorn machine and put some money in it. He pulled the trigger but no popcorn came out. He tried it again and again but nothing came out. Upset, his mother came over and told her son that. No matter how much you give the popcorn is not going to come out of this machine.


If you keep throwing love expecting the relationship to work. But it doesnt as you have tried before. Its better to accept it for what it is and move on. Dont try changing to be what he wants, you cant even put faith in him that he won't cheat on you. A relationship takes a lot more than love and speaking to you as a person that has never laid a hand at my girlfriend but have a few times screamed and threw things. It is not okay and I will try my very best to never do that again. Its wrong but its hard to understand from our perspective, because I now know that it scares the heck out of the person that I love.


Take care.

Re: I need some advice

Hey @belle2607! I am guessing the responses we've posted here are very different to the way you're thinking or seeing your relationship with this guy at the moment. How's that making you feel? I guess i think @Kaz-RO @witheverylight @stonepixie are most definitely on to something. But it can be hard to see it that way and you're also entitled to disagree, so tell me where you're at, we aren't going to judge and we'll help you where you're at, even if we're a little worried about it!