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I need some guidance, is it my fault? Am I not good enough?

I'm a university student, in first year. I don't understand why it is so difficult to make friends, I am nice and kind  to others, while achieving high grades. I've tried to talk to people but it seems that no body wants to hang out with me or even make a general conversation. I feel alone and empty, without having people around me, I really don't understand if this is god's punishment or or a sign that I'll always be forever alone.  I really don't understand and it upsets me that it's possibly my fault that I'm not good enough to other people's liking. Man Sad

Re: I need some guidance, is it my fault? Am I not good enough?

Uni is a great place to make friends, and maybe you are just looking in the wrong places..


As well, the end of the year, isn't the best time to make friends.. the Start of the year generally is the best time.


At my uni we have O'week. Which stands for Orientation week. Its when all the clubs at the uni advertise and try to get memberships for their clubs for that year. I would highly recommend joining one of these clubs, it is nearly impossible not to make friends doing it this way. We have lots of clubs at our uni, from games to politics or martial arts, the comp sci guys even have a club, god knows what they get up to!


The other way, is maybe the way you've tried already, and again, the beginning of the semester is always the best time to do this. Before class, just walk up to someone waiting for your class, and start up a conversation with them. @Lex gave some great tips for this the other day, one of them being ask questions specific to your age group, i.e. "I wonder what sh!tty lecturer we will have this semester?" or "Did you get up to anything during the weekend?" and ask them questions about themselves that are open ended, ones that they can't just answer YES or NO. If people warm to you, they will answer with witty answers with some substance to them, instead of just one or two words.


It really is easy to meet people at uni, just try to be better at it. Think about the signals you are giving off. What clothes you are wearing, and what clothes the people you are talking to are wearing. The body language and eye contact both of you are making. The courses they are taking too. If you are a nerd type person, there are plenty of other people probably way nerdier than you.


Bonus note! If you really like say the Marvel universe, and know a lot about it, try making a clever reference to a character or situation in one of the movies/comics that other people might get. Eventually someone will get it, and will think you are pretty special! (Works for whatever movie you like!)

Re: I need some guidance, is it my fault? Am I not good enough?

Hey @Katielouise 


It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment and you are so strong for coming on chat to talk about how you are feeling and what you are going through. The first year at uni is the hardest and sometimes people are just on the move and have their own issues to worry about that it can be difficult to have a social life. I think some people tend to hang around people that are similar to them and what they are interested in. 


Personally most of the people I have around me at uni are studying what I am studying and that way we have something to talk about and tips to share with each other. Have you thought about getting involved in some events that you are interested in, its a great way to meet people? Also I met a lot of people through volunteering, I found most people were there to make friends, have you thought about that?


I dont think its punishment or a sign I just think it takes time and once you settle in 2nd year you know some people and feel comfortable with each other. I think keep trying and being nice and kind and open to new experiences. 


I hope this helps and you are not alone in this 


Take care Smiley Happy 



**Believe in the power of you because you are your own hero**

Re: I need some guidance, is it my fault? Am I not good enough?

Hey @Katielouise 


I totally get where you're coming from. I was really shocked when I started uni and struggled to make friends, especially because I'd always had a really close group of friends throughout school. Those people were (and are) still my friends, but I found it really lonely at uni not having people to hang out with. During my undergraduate degree, I had absolutely no friends at uni - I would just go, go to class, then go home. It can be really hard when it feels like everyone is already in their groups or isn't interested in having friendships. I know for me, I was in a particularly large undergrad cohort (there were about 600 students in my degree each year), so I would never have the same people across classes and I didn't feel like sitting in a tutorial for two hours a week next to someone was conducive to making friends.


Since then, I've started a postgrad degree and it's been completely different. I've made much more of an effort to start conversations with people in my degree, as well as get involved in university life outside of my course (playing casual mixed netball, volunteering at uni, going to the arts students exhibitions, joining some of my uni's facebook pages, etc) and all of things have made it SO much easier to make friends. I've ended up with a great group of close friends this year, and I do think it's mostly because I've gone out of my way to do those things I didn't do during my undergrad.


I guess it's also important to recognise that uni isn't the only place to make friends. Do you have any hobbies or interests outside uni? Stuff like sport or community groups can be a great way to link in with people in your area that you could start friendships with. ReachOut also has a factsheet on making friends that you might find useful - it's got a few tips on stuff like where to meet people.


Hang in there! Just because you haven't made friends yet doesn't mean that they're not out there. There's definitely people out there who you can make friends with - it might just take some work on your part. 

Re: I need some guidance, is it my fault? Am I not good enough?

Hey @Katielouise 


I know how you feel. I think the worst thing is that when you are finishing high school older people start telling you how uni was the best time of their lives. And then you get there and it's kind of like, "Oh, is this it?". I struggled similarly to you at the start, because I think I was a bit disillusioned. Now, however, I have been able to make a good group of friends who aren't even in the same degree as me. The way I did this was by joining some societies at uni. That way you not only get to socialise with people, but they will be people who have similar interests to you! This should make it a lot easier to get the conversation going and start making friends. 


Let me know how you go Smiley Happy 



Re: I need some guidance, is it my fault? Am I not good enough?

I don't think you are odd, or not worth knowing. Sometimes it is hard to strike up new friendhsips when you only see people for a limited amount of time each week. It is not like school, where you are stuck together 6 hrs or more a day.

I suppose there are a couple of things I could suggest. Try talking to at least one new person at every lecture you attend. A smile says everything. Have you ever considered asking if anyone would like to go grab a coffee? people are often open for that, but assume that everyone else is busy.

It mgiht just take you longer to form friendships thatn others. The other suggestions about joining Uni groups is also a good one.

Good luck with it, and don't write yourself off just yet. Sometimes good friendships take time and effort.

Take Care